Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Why Are Prenups a Growing Trend?
As holiday season nears, many couples will get engaged, and then embark in the typical 6-9 month planning process that will result in a wedding, which on average costs $25,000 in the United States (not including the cost of the engagement ring). During this process, money talks are an inevitable– not just with respect to the short-term decisions such as the cost of a venue, caterer, invitations, florist, photographer, entertainment, or honeymoon, but also long-term decisions that will impact the household, such as plans for housing and managing combined expenses/savings. In recent years, trends show that these money talks often include one addition topic: the possibility of formalizing the couple’s financial agreements with a prenuptial contract. Young professionals, who are already painfully aware of the rate of divorce, seem to be increasingly aware of the option to redefine joint property, protect separate assets and/or set limits on future alimony claims by entering into a prenuptial agreement with their betrothed. While previously, these agreements were mainly used by individuals with significant personal or family wealth, and/or those entering into second marriages, there are now a growing number of young professional couples without significant resources requesting a prenuptial or post-nupital agreement in order to minimize the financial damage that can be caused in the event of a litigated divorce. These days, pre-nuptials are considered standard legal contracts that are generally upheld as long as they are (1) not signed under duress, (2) there has been full financial disclosure, and (3) each party had the opportunity to consult independent legal counsel. Unfortunately, some couples wait until the last minute to arrange for a prenuptial agreement, and in the event it cannot be finalized before the wedding, many will opt to convert the contract into a post-nuptial agreement. While these agreements may not be very romantic, they certainly are a useful tool to promote money talks upfront, alleviate important financial fears, and promote a clear understanding of what will be part of the couple’s “marital pie,” including what should happen with each person’s assets in the unfortunate event of either party’s death or a divorce. Various corporations are now requesting that their partners/shareholders enter into prenuptial or postnuptial agreements to protect the company from being involved in any litigation between spouses. In addition, many individuals are now using these agreements to protect intellectual property rights or business interests that are not yet developed. [...]
How Do You Deal With Misdirected Anger?
As a divorce lawyer, I'm used to seeing people at their worst. Often as the bearer of bad news, I am the one who gets blamed or yelled at, even though I know this situation has nothing to do with me. Luckily, once I'm off the clock, I don't have to keep dealing with psychological warfare, but many others do, so here are 3 tips for dealing with misdirected anger: 1. Ask Why- If you can understand the source of someone's anger, maybe you can help them problem-solve or at least sympathize with their situation. 2. Identify Patterns- Is there a specific behavior that triggers a visceral reaction? If so, maybe you can avoid the behavior, that is if you really care to change. 3. Learn to Disengage- Rather than argue, what if you don't react? If you don't fuel someone's fire, it will burn out that much faster. With rational people, talking through issues, learning to avoid triggers, and not rewarding bad behavior should work, but with irrational people you may find that nothing works. It helps to understand that many people suffer from mental health illnesses, and not all of them can be treated with medication. Now, while you can certainly have compassion for someone that is not well, you are not doing anyone any good (especially yourself or the kids) by just being that person's punching bag. Unfortunately, toxic people will keep creating toxic situations, which are incredibly unhealthy for everyone involved. Those that lack the ability or desire to change, won't. If someone cannot see how their words or behaviors negatively impact those around them, you may be left with no choice but to get out-- and be very careful when planning your escape because it is not likely to go over well. Remember, those that are angry are actually wounded. Sometimes, we can talk through our disappointment, fears, concerns, and working together with our partners to address these issues, we can actually form a deeper bond. Sometimes, things are just beyond repair, and that is when you know it's time to move on. Calling it quits is not anyone's first choice, and it is going to hurt-- but you have to see it as short-term pain for long-term gain. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
What Are The Odds You’ll Find Your Match?
We've all heard that dating is a numbers game, but what does that really mean? It means that to find that perfect someone, you are going to have to cull through a lot of crap. Why? Well, just do the math... The more you care about looks, smarts, and/or someone's character, the harder it will be to find a person that meets your criteria. For example, if only 15% of the US population has a graduate degree and that is important to you, that is fine, but you have to realize that you are eliminating 85% of the population in your search. The same logic applies if you are looking for someone that earns over six figures-- they are out there, but you are now working with a much smaller percentage of the overall population and so to overcome the odds, you will need to put yourself out there more. Even once you click with a candidate that happens to be smart, cute and nice enough, there remain many hurdles to face-- and you can only figure it out over time. Some key considerations are: - Is it easy to spend time together? - Do you trust each other? - Do you respect this person and the life choices s/he has made? - Do you enjoy each other's friends and families? - Are you sexually compatible? - Do you resolve conflict well? - Do you share the same dreams and aspirations? It is not easy to find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but I think it has to be that way so that when you do find that person you will appreciate him/her that much more-- for you know deep within your heart that the odds were highly stacked against you, and yet despite all the odds you found one another. Don't let the odds get you down, and don't give up on finding love. You just need to get out there and be prepared to sort through a lot of hay until you find that needle in a haystack. Once you do, you will feel like the luckiest person in the world, as well you should because it is like winning the lotto-- but you have to be willing to play in order to win. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Why Are Transitions So Scary?
Change is scary for a lot of people, especially sudden, unexpected or unwanted changes that impact our core needs. Unfortunately, those going through a divorce will experience great uncertainty in various aspects of their lives all at once, which explains the dramatic rise in situational depression or anxiety among those dealing with a separation. Here are 5 key areas of concern that need to be addressed as soon as possible to reduce the stress caused by this major life transition: 1. Financial Security- For anyone to feel safe, s/he must be sure that his/her basic financial obligations such as shelter, food, clothing, and transportation will be met. Being financially dependent on the other spouse is a terrible position to be in, and becoming financially literate and independent is an important part to a successful future post-divorce. 2. Identity- Everyone needs to feel secure in who they are as a person. Unfortunately, many during a marriage tie their identity to being a good spouse and/or involved parent, and these roles will change upon divorce. Returning to single life and not seeing the kids each day are huge adjustments that people have to make during the separation process, and it will take time to develop a new identity outside the former nuclear family unit. 3. Socialization- Many people have their entire social life revolve around family. Without a spouse or kids to come home to each night, divorced individuals need to develop a whole new social network. For many, it will require some effort to form new connections and rebuild a close circle of friends. 4. Purpose- We all need something to make us feel like life is worth living, and that we have a reason for being here. Often during a divorce, people will question their past choices, the path taken thus far, and what their real purpose should be going forward. The questions are all great, but not having all the answers readily available can be a little unsettling at first. 5. Structure & Time Management- To some extent, we are all creatures of habit, who derive some comfort in knowing how our days or weeks will be structured. However, in the divorce process, schedules often get altered and new demands are made on parents’ time with their children. Until some new norms and a regular schedule can be established, many will feel very unsettled. It is critical to understand all the upheaval created during [...]
Beauty Is In The Eye of The Beholder
Have you ever found yourself wondering what you could do differently to make someone like you more? Or have you thought to yourself how great someone would be if you could just help them change a few things? Hmm, we've all stupidly thought these things at some point or another, but when it comes to finding a life partner, we cannot allow ourselves to think this way. Instead, we need to focus on finding someone that appreciates us just the way we are. Now, everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion, just don't let that phase you too much. Here is why: according to my son, I am (1) too neat; (2) care too much about what other's think; (3) study too much and (4) don't know how to chill. While all of these may be true from his perspective, there are plenty of others who appreciate these very same qualities that drive him (and his dad) nuts. So who is right? They all are-- because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and this is exactly why one man's trash is another man's treasure. I'm not saying any of us are trash, but I am saying we've all been rejected by someone for certain attributes only to later find another that finds those very same qualities absolutely endearing. The key then is to find those that love you and all your quirks, not despite those quirks. If you try to change for someone, then you are not being your true self, and you are bound to grow resentful. Meanwhile if you try to change someone else, you are probably going to wind up grossly disappointed because that never works not in the long run. Just remember the lyrics from Billy Joel's song "Just the Way You Are." The very first lines say "don't go changing to try and please me." Wise advice, just easier said then done. It is hard to not try and change others, and others will always try to change us to fit their needs. Now maybe for my son's sake, I'll tone down my neatness standards, or how much I care about what other's think, maybe I'll even be more goofy and try to chill more-- but that is because he is a child who had no choice in getting paired up with me, and it is my job as a parent to [...]
Is Your Volcano Ready to Blow?
These days we have been hearing a lot about volcanos-- in far away places like Italy, Iceland and Hawaii scientists are carefully monitoring lava flows, but what about doing the same a little bit closer to home? All of us have the ability to blow-- whether at work or home, and I believe there really is only one reason, which is quite simple: someone has violated our sense of fairness. Usually it is those closest to us that really push our buttons, and that is because we expect much more of our loved ones than we do from complete strangers or casual acquaintances. When it seems that those we care about are not being considerate of us, we often feel betrayed, and that betrayal often leads to outrage. So how do you stop yourself from blowing up? Well, try to remember this fact: if a volcano blows, everyone winds up covered in ash. Whenever we feel our sense of fairness is being violated, we need to speak up and not just suffer in silence. We need to air our grievances, explain our feelings, and then we have to wait and see-- how does that other person react? Do they get defensive or aggressive? Do they shut down or shut you out? Are they dismissive of your concerns? If so, just recognize that NONE of that is constructive, but do not continue to engage, instead just gracefully walk away. Those with healthy relationship skills will listen to their partners' concerns-- they are open to having difficult conversations and coming up with some possible solutions. Conflict is inevitable in life, but for a relationship to survive (and hopefully thrive), you have to feel like you are working together to resolve these issues. If you feel like a volcano that is getting ready to blow, don't dismiss your feelings. Instead, spend some time asking yourself why you feel this way. Figuring out the why is the key. Then you can start to explore options for an appropriate solution-- and here is where you need to be open to all possibilities because the less tied you are to a particular outcome, the more likely you are to find the right solution. So, let's leave real explosions to real volcanoes, and admire them from a far. I think we can all agree that the last thing any of us want is to have all our [...]
Are You Experiencing a Mid-Life Crisis?
It is not a "crisis" if you find yourself in your 40's or 50's reevaluating your career or life choices-- this is normal, and should be seen as an opportunity to make some improvements. Here is a recent article that explains this phenomenon: http://www.wealthstrategiesjournal.com/regina-a-demeo-is-there-really-a-mid-life-crisis/ Here is the link to an interview with a life coach that explains the importance of working with a guide through this process: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0eATPJnQYo There are many great books out there that are also helpful, including The Road Less Traveled by Dr. Peck, and Butterflies are Free to Fly by Stephen Davis. It is good to question. Enjoy the journey. Just know that all the answers you need are already within you.
The Gottman Relationship Blog: Relationship Alphabet: V is for Violence
The Gottman Relationship Blog: Relationship Alphabet: V is for Violence: V is for Violence By Zach Brittle, LMHC In case you missed it, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I’m not really sure ho...
Should You Postpone Having a Family?
Many stories have been written about the challenges of parenting in the 21st century, and how expensive kids are to raise, but what people really need to hear is how much we can learn from our children, how much they help us grow, and how much they provide to us. In teaching them, we learn a lot about ourselves, our values and what really matters in life. In raising them, we too expand our understanding of the world and what it takes to build healthy, enduring relationships. And in loving them, they expand our ability to love more than we ever thought humanly possible. The choice of whether to delay parenthood is a very personal one, and I commend companies like Facebook and Apple willing to financially support this option, and we should all respect each person's right to make the decision best suited to his/her situation, but I will say this: (1) You will always worry about money (no matter how much you think you have or don't have) so don't get too hung up on this fact and (2) Parenting is hard work, and I mean literally-- it takes a physical toll on you that is just easier to bear in your late 20's or 30's than in your 40's. Your energy level is not likely to increase with age, meanwhile there are greater health risks the longer you delay having a child. Personally, 31 was the perfect age for me to become a mother. Physically, I was able to recover quickly, and professionally I was able to work out a flexible schedule that met my needs for work/life balance. Now, I may not have hit it big financially over the past decade, but I was able to provide a decent life for us, and in the process I got to enjoy a whole second childhood full of rewards that far exceeded all my dreams. Life is full of choices, and I love that-- just make sure you make an informed decision and don't delay too long one of the greatest joys that life has to offer. If you still need a little more convincing, here's a list of my top 5 reasons kids make us better people, which was published today in KidzEdge: http://kidzedge.com/recent-issues/5-reasons-kids-make-us-better-people/
Top 4 Reasons Second Marriages Fail
After working with families in the DC Area for over 16 years and observing their dynamics, here are the 4 key reasons that explain why over 70% of second marriages don't last: 1. Not Enough Time to Reflect; 2. Rushing Into Things; 3. Money; and 4. Kids. Here is a recent article explaining this further: http://www.wealthstrategiesjournal.com/regina-a-demeo-why-do-second-marriages-fail-so-often/ Here is a video that discusses the challenges parents face post-divorce: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-wukchJEv8 For those contemplating a second marriage, I highly recommend you talk about your estate planning before the nuptials, and consider having a prenuptial agreement drafted by an attorney. Also, look into attending a couple's counseling seminar, or you can order the workbook "Focus of Forever" by AAML at www.aaml.org By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq. www.reginademeo.com