Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
The Real Thing by Ellen McCarthy
From a Washington Post weddings reporter who’s covered more than two hundred walks down the aisle comes a warm, witty, and wise book about relationships—the mystery, the science, and the secrets of how we find love and make it last. Ellen McCarthy has explored the complete journey of our timeless quest for “The One,” the Soul Mate, the Real Thing. This indispensable collection of insights—on dating, commitment, breakups, weddings, and marriage—gives us a window into enduring romance: Available for Purchase at Amazon.com
Are You An Extrovert Paired With An Introvert?
Being an extrovert by nature definitely comes in handy in America, where we tend to place a huge emphasis on being energetic, out-going, gregarious, and social. But that doesn't come easily to at least 1/3 of our population, which is comprised of individuals born as introverts. These do not gather energy from being super social, but rather it costs them tremendous energy to put themselves out there, and when they do what they really want is a deep connection, not some superficial exchange to pass the time. Why is it important to understand these differences? Because we rarely partner with our own kind, and instead almost by instinct we tend to gravitate to our opposite in order to find balance in our lives. Over that last 20 years, I have truly come to appreciate a life with introverts. Even though I continue to be surrounded by extroverts in my professional life, at home my partner, son, brother, and several close friends are all introverts, and being with them has definitely taught me to appreciate quiet time. They understand that I may not need as much of it as they do, but I respect that it is important for us to unplug, and I have rediscovered great joy just relaxing with a good book or taking pen to paper to share the conversations that play out inside my own head. Thanks to the internet and social media, the opportunity for introverts to connect more with others from the safety and comfort of their own homes has expanded tremendously, and it is critical that we appreciate what they have to offer-- both in the corporate world, and at home. Their creativity and soft power is truly beautiful, and it is their presence in my life that has taught me the true wisdom of this proverb: God gave us 2 ears and only 1 mouth, so perhaps you should listen twice as much as you speak. If you are in love with an introvert, I urge you to embrace each other's differences, pull from each other's strengths and help shore up each other's weaknesses. You may also want to check out "Quiet" by Susan Cain. It is a wonderful book about the power of introverts. See also www.thepowerofintroverts.com By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Are You Ready For Parenthood?
They say no one is ever really ready to become a parent, yet 80% of women will become mothers by the time they reach the age of 44, and as people are becoming more open and honest about the challenges of parenthood, I do think we can (and should) help future parents prepare for the road that lies ahead. First, the stats speak volumes: 60% of couples with newborns will experience a dramatic drop in satisfaction with their partners. This is not surprising when you take into account the raging hormones involved for a woman, coupled with sleep deprivation for both, a complete upheaval to your family's schedule and finances, as well as major changes to each person's identity, the mom's body, and the desire to be intimate. Simply stated, that first year can be overwhelming, and if you allow yourselves to become two ships passing in the night, don't be surprised when someone ultimately decides to ship out. Second, again relying on stats we see that 60% of children in the U.S. are now being born out of wedlock. What does that mean? Well, it doesn't necessarily mean that the parents are not together, but they are certainly not bound by marital vows that provide married parents with certain legal protections and a little extra incentive to prevent things from unraveling when the going gets tough. Parents that ultimately wind up in separate homes are going to have to make a concerted effort to share time and shield their children from conflict. They will also have to bear the brunt of extra commuting and financial challenges that ultimately should be spelled out in a legal document to ensure the child's welfare is protected. Third, the average cost of raising a child through age 18 for a medium income house is now $245,000 in the U.S. That is pretty close to the average price of a house, and we are not even taking into account college costs here. There really is no sugar-coating this fact- kids are expensive, and as a result responsible parents need to be able to manage their finances carefully. You can't provide a stable home without a stable financial picture, and if you want to teach kids about financial responsibility, you need to be able to practice what you preach. Fourth, these are challenging times with very little guarantees in life. You have to be able [...]
Can You Climb Out of the Divorce Abyss?
On average, 1 Million Americans each year manage to survive the divorce process, and yet these numbers are somehow not particularly reassuring to those going through the process, who feel like they are free falling into the bottomless pit of hell. Am I being overly melodramatic? Not even close-- for those of us that have survived the free fall where you see the security of a life partner, your finances, your identity, your social life, and even your health all slip away. When you are going through a divorce, you will undoubtedly feel out of control at times, perhaps even helpless at moments, and with each new insult that hits you it will become abundantly clear why so many experience a period of anxiety or depression while going through this miserable situation. In your darkest moments in fact, you may even ask yourself whether it would be better to drink poison or administer it. And hopefully that is when you wake up, and realize it is time to take back control of your life and climb out of the abyss. Here are some tips on how you do that: 1. Get Control of Your Finances- make sure you have a sufficient income to meet your own expenses without relying on someone else. Balance your own budget so you don't have to borrow from others or beg your ex for money. 2. Create a Stable Home- Set up your own daily routine that brings you comfort and joy. Get rid of clutter, decorate your own way, and establish a place you are proud to call your own. 3. Rebuild Your Own Life- Connect with your co-workers and neighbors, and try to make new single friends. Set new goals for yourself-- take a class, travel, join a gym and rediscover parts of yourself that fell by the wayside during your marriage. 4. Forgive Yourself- Hindsight is 20/20, but sadly none of us have figured out a way to go back in time. If you ignored red flags, let things go too far, said or did things you shouldn't have, compromised too much or not enough, okay let it go. Hopefully, you learned some valuable life lessons that you can not only apply in future relationships but that may help you help others you meet going through a similar experience. This all takes time, so be patient. It took me almost a decade [...]
Are You Stuck in a Black Hole?
During a divorce, people tend to go to a very dark place. Many feel like they are trapped in a horrible nightmare with no end in sight, especially when the person on the other side is constantly launching threats, using the kids as pawns and/or has an attorney that enjoys acting like a bully. But this is really all par for the course, and it is my job to reassure people that there is a light at the end of the tunnel-- within 12 to 18 months this is usually over for most, and the key to exiting gracefully is to never let yourself think you are stuck in a black hole. If you are feeling trapped in a bad situation, try these 3 simple steps: 1. Find a guide- seek out someone that can give you guidance on how to make a change. For example, if you don't like your job, get insight from others as to what else is out there and what you need to do to make a move. If your finances are out of control, go talk to a money manager and get advice on how to curb spending, establish a budget and maximize your savings. If you are having problems with your personal relationships, go talk to a counselor that can help you gain gain some insight. 2. Make a plan- plot out the steps you need to take to implement the changes you need to be happy. Try to be realistic with your timeframe, and don't expect overnight success. It may require a lot of perseverance before you can actually see that you are making progress, but no matter what don't give up hope. 3. Visualize success- if you don't believe in yourself, you are screwed, end of story. Rid your mind of self-defeating thoughts, that's the surest path to self-destruction. You have to think positively and have faith that the efforts you are making are not in vain. Getting out of a black hole will only happen if you trust that it is not just possible, but actually probable. Until you experience a black hole moment, you really haven't lived and the only way out is to work through it. It's not an easy journey to go through one, but unfortunately it is the best way to develop depth and gain perspective. It is part of our human experience, and it [...]
Can You Keep Your Agreements?
As adults, whether we realize it or not, our lives are governed by the agreements we make-- and while not all of them are necessarily legally binding, that doesn't make them any less important. Unfortunately, some people have a tendency to over-extend themselves; very few I believe are outright trying to be deceitful. I think what happens, especially with people-pleasers is that they want so much to make their loved ones happy that they just make promises that later on they come to realize they just cannot keep. In the legal world, if you don't pay per your contracts, the remedy is pretty simple: we seize your assets. So for example the mortgage company will take your house, the car company will repose the car, credit card companies close your account and go after your bank accounts, etc. And if you don't pay your child support, Child Support Enforcement has the ability to garnish wages, intercept tax refunds, and revoke your driving privileges, among other things. As you can see, we don't kid around when it comes to fulfilling legal obligations. But what about breaches that happen outside the courtroom? More and more I find that people seem to have lost the concept of a social contract- the one we make with each other as part of a society. Despite what some may think, our community is not here to serve us, but rather I believe we are here together to share our gifts and help each other. And if you share this view, then our personal commitments are just as important (if not more so) as the legal contracts we sign. Perhaps with this in mind going forward we can all be more mindful before making promises to those we love. It is inevitable that we will find ourselves at times with conflicting obligations. For example, we all have a commitment to work and to be with our family. Precisely because these two interests often compete with each other, work/life balance is such a big issue. We also have a lot of blended family situations these days, and that means many of us have pre-existing obligations to children from prior relationships, and these have to be balanced with our new family commitments. The key is to know your own limits and not over-extend yourself. Now, with our significant others it is important to recognize that we have made a [...]
What Are You Doing This Valentine’s Day?
Valentine's Day is just a few days away-- and don't despair, there is still time to make a plan. If you don't have a significant other to celebrate the day with you, then ask some friends if they want to get together for drinks or a movie, or offer to host a dinner, and in the meantime, treat yourself to something nice like a new outfit, a massage, mani/pedi, flowers, chocolates or special cupcakes. It does not have to be anything major as long as you recognize Valentine's Day for yourself. Why? Because the saying is true- you are not going to find the right love until you learn to love yourself. They say that good things do come to those that wait. I hope that is true, but in the meantime don't write off V-Day just because you are not in a relationship. I think it's the perfect day to acknowledge what you have-- friends, family and yourself. Now next year, if you want to add to that do something different to open up the possibility for more love to find its way into your heart.
Can You See What The End-Game Looks Like?
Those of us that like to plan ahead visualize our goals and then work backwards from that point to figure out all the steps that need to be completed to achieve the desired outcome. No where is this skill more useful than in dealing with legal disputes. Unfortunately many seem to be unaware of the fact that litigation is a drawn out process. We all need to do our due diligence first, gather all the relevant information, review all the settlement options, try to promote a compromise between the parties, and then as a last resort prepare for trial if the parties cannot reach a resolution. All of this takes time and money. Understandably a lot of people put off filing a legal action, but the sad reality is that the longer you put off filing an action, the more time you will have to wait to get your matter scheduled before a judge. Waiting until the situation is urgent will not necessarily make the case an emergency for court personnel. So for example if someone stops paying you alimony or child support, after 6 months without payments have gone by, you may want to ask the court to intervene sooner rather than later. Similarly, if you have kids and are already starting to realize that you and your former partner do not agree on issues such as (i) summer camps, (ii) travel arrangements or (iii) the choice in schools for next year, NOW is the time to start raising those issues with the court, which may well have a 6 month waiting period for you to get on the docket. As much as I like to promote settlements out of court, sadly I do admit that when time is of the essence on getting a resolution, sometimes the only option you have with a non-responsive or difficult opponent is to file first, negotiate later. Odds are in your favor that you will work something out, either because calmer heads tend to prevail once professionals get involved, or maybe because the stark reality of what it costs to go to trial acts a great incentive for getting people to settle. To be honest, I think it's a bit of both. Now outside of court, there is another end-game that you need to consider-- what is the long term goal with your personal relationships? When kids are involved, you have to [...]
Why Dating Is A Lot Like Shoe Shopping
Why do I think dating is a lot like shoe shopping? Well, because first of all one size does not fit all, and more importantly because we all buy different shoes for different reasons, depending on what we need at the time. The same is true in the dating world. Now, when I got divorced 10 years ago, lots of people told me "you are young and pretty, don't worry you will be remarried in no time." Well, for a variety of different reasons, let's just say that did not happen, and honestly I'm glad it didn't. I needed to enjoy my 30's as an independent woman. Not only did I need the time to truly find myself, but more importantly I needed to appreciate my own strength and learn the beauty of what it takes to make a loving partnership work. So, over the past decade, let's just say I tried on a lot of "shoes." Some were very flashy, but not very practical. Others were perfectly fine everyday wear, but lacked a special style. Sometimes, I tried to settle for a shoe that just wasn't the right size, and that never worked out well. Ultimately, I imagine that when you find the right "shoe" you will know because it fits perfectly-- no need to break it in or suffer with any blisters. It will feel like that shoe was made just for you. Hold out for that one, and in the meantime, have fun shoe shopping! By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
What’s The #1 Reason Couples Split Up?
I get this question a lot- people always want to know what I think is the number one reason couples split up: is it adultery, money, addiction issues or abuse? Actually, the answer is quite simple: Narcissism. While it is important to know what you want and to advocate for yourself in love and life, it is equally necessary to learn to balance this out with your partner's wants and needs if you want a lasting, healthy relationship. If you take a good look around you, you will see that those that are able to take into account other people's points of view and empathize with their partners have the best partnerships. Those that can only focus on their own self-interest may be very successful at work, but I promise you they will struggle immensely in their personal lives. Those that fail to learn to curb their narcissistic tendencies will always put their desires first at whatever cost to those around them-- and so they will focus on work to an extreme, have affairs and/or use money, drugs and alcohol as they please, all while verbally castrating anyone that dares to question their choices. We all have narcissistic tendencies, but hopefully as we mature in life we learn to curb these tendencies, and as parents we have to do our best to teach our children to do this-- especially if we want them to have happy and healthy relationships that last when they grow up. Love is about give and take. Those that just want to take are actually going to miss out on a lot, especially when it comes to love. Of that, I have no doubt. Here's a link to great tv interview on this topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c539yawl86g By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.