Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
5 Single Parents Give Real Tips on Running a Business While Keeping Your Sanity by Julie Trade in Kabbage
Launching and growing a small business is a tremendous amount of work under any circumstance. When you combine the challenges of entrepreneurship with the daily struggles of being a single parent, it requires near super hero abilities to seamlessly orchestrate tasks, schedules, responsibilities, and finances. Single parent business owners are a unique segment of entrepreneurs who are typically motivated by far more than just money. Often, they choose to go into business for themselves so that they can have more flexibility in their schedule for parenting. For many, starting a business also means the chance to regain control and make a better life for themselves and their children. What these hard-working business owners have in common is that they are inspired and motivated each and every day by their children. With a family to support and only 24 hours in a day, it’s amazing what single parent business owners are able to achieve. We were able to catch up with a few busy single parents and wanted to share their tips for achieving success when you’re doing double duty as parent and entrepreneur. Read the Full Article in Kabbage
How Needy Are You?
Forget material needs for a just second, and let's talk about emotional needs. We all have vastly different emotional needs, and part is based on how we were nurtured, the other part is nature. Another factor that plays a part is a person's situation at a particular time-- so for example, when someone is outside his/her comfort zone (such as in the beginning stages of dating) or when s/he is trying to recover from a traumatic event (such as a divorce), that person may be more needy at that particular time than s/he normally would be in life. So, what's my point? Let's cut others some slack, and instead of making assumptions and/or passing judgment on others, just focus on yourself. So, how emotionally needy are you? There is no denying the fact that gender plays a part in this, and generally speaking, women are more emotional than men (which is why more divorces are initiated by women instead of men.) Keeping this in mind, then think back to your childhood. What were your role models like? How were you raised? Were you an only child who got lots of attention or the middle child that was neither the first born nor the baby of the family? Believe it or not, these things continue to matter long after we enter adulthood. Now as an adult, be honest with yourself about the kind of personality you have developed. Are you a true extrovert, or a closet introvert? Do you like a lot of time alone, or do you need to be surrounded constantly by others-- and why is that? Are you secure in your attachments or do you tend to have an anxious or detached attachment style? How important is it to you to connect on a regular basis with those you love? After my divorce, I had ten years to work through all of these questions-- unfortunately, in retrospect I should have worked through all of them before I got married. While I definitely knew who and what I wanted to be when I grew up even as a teenager, and there was no doubt that I was book smart, there was a lot I had not figured out emotionally, particularly about myself. Rather than deal with my past, I tried to bury it. That pretty much blew up in my face, forcing me to confront my demons after my [...]
Do You Feel Like The Sky Is Falling?
When you are free falling into an emotional abyss, it may very well feel like the sky is falling. This is normal when you suffer a sudden trauma because everything feels so out of control-- and it is true, a lot may not be within your control, but there is always one key thing that is: your actions. How you respond to external stimulants is totally within your own control. Many of my clients, especially those that did not initiate a separation, may think at the beginning that everything is falling apart. Indeed, life as they know it is coming to an end, but life itself is not over. It is simply changing, and a new chapter is about to start. Sometimes, people cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, and then it is my job to basically say, "okay Chicken Little, get a grip." I admit, my delivery is usually a lot more tactful, but the message is clear-- you need to calm down and work through this problem. Eventually, you will get to a better place. Whether you suffer the loss of a job, a sudden death in your family, a health crisis or an unexpected separation/divorce (maybe even all of the above), please remember this: there is no need to suffer in silence. Others will help you, but you may need to swallow your pride and ask for help. It's not that others don't care, but rather that many will assume you've got it covered-- unless you reach out and admit that you cannot face this challenge alone. And I know this may be difficult for many, but I promise you that this humbling experience is good for you in the long run, for it will help you appreciate the grace that exists in each minor act of goodwill that others voluntarily extend in order to allow us to remain sane, and human. As you cycle through the grief process you will experience moments of anger, followed by moments of sadness, and then you will find yourself remembering the love. Of course those loving times will remind you of what you have lost, thus triggering feelings of anger again, followed by sadness as you realize that anger is just a more aggressive way to express disappointment. Then once again those memories of the good times will seep in, until you get mad, then sad-- and [...]
Are You Stressed About Moving?
If you are in the process of moving, regardless of whether it is for a good reason or a rather sad one, try to cut yourself some slack because you are going to be stressed until it is done. For almost two decades now, I have had to coach people through a move-- sometimes it is my prenup clients about to get married, sometimes it is my clients about to divorce. Either way, here are things you need to consider carefully: (1) What is important to you? Make a list of what is important to you in terms of where you live, and write down why those things are important. You may even rank each item from 1-10 in terms of how important it is-- for example, being near my son's school is #1 on my list and it was a 10. In other words, this was a non-negotiable for me. Some of the most common considerations include price and location, as well as amenities such as a gym, pool, or garage. Do you need to be close to a metro or near your work? Do you like being near the city or further out? (2) What's your budget? You have to create a realistic budget. Before you start looking at places, you need to know what you can afford. You need to list all your regular monthly expenses and calculate your net take-home pay to cover those expenses. As part of this exercise, if you are merging with someone you have to talk about whether you will share expenses 50/50 or pro rata-- and are you going to keep separate accounts or create one joint account? Who will manage the accounts and bills? Now if you are joining with someone, you need to keep the lines of communication open. Moves and family transitions are very stressful, even under the best scenarios, so there may be some tense/upsetting moments. You have to be able to talk candidly about issues as they arise, and if you are having problems communicating, be open to getting help. If the issues are financial, go get advice from a neutral financial adviser. If the issues are more about how you address problems as a couple, sign up for a premarital couple's class or see a couple's counselor for a few sessions. If you are divorcing, my experience is how you handle [...]
3 Things You Must Do To Achieve Work-life Balance
If you are among the millions claiming to want work-life balance, here are three essential steps you have to take to really make progress towards that goal: 1. Find a Guide- Rather than just complain to friends or co-workers about the lack of balance in your life, go find someone who has achieved it and pick his/her brain for advice. My very first boss out of law school, who has been my mentor throughout my career, is a shining example of someone who always made time for his family and kept his priorities straight. His partners shared the same philosophy, and along the way I came to know a few others that shared this view (mainly those that left big firms and opened their own shops), and it is through these contacts that I found it possible to create a life that works for me. 2. Learn to Say No- If you want to enjoy life, you need to stop being a people pleaser. There are way too many takers in this world wanting to claim your time and/or energy, so you have to learn to set your own boundaries and be able to say "no I can't stay late for this client," or "no I can't take on another volunteer/committee project." Even your family needs to hear you say "no, I just can't make every event, but I'll try my best to be there for the important ones." 3. Define Your Own Success- You cannot compare yourself to others. Over the years, I've come to accept that by not working at a big firm, I will make half what my colleagues there earn, and yet by not being a full time, stay at home mom, I am not able to do everything that those other moms can do for their kids. So guess what? It doesn't matter at all as long as you can live with the choices you have made for yourself. The past 10 years, it has not been easy to juggle being a single mom while running my own law firm in DC, but the point is it can be done, and I have no regrets because the funny thing that many don't realize is that those first 10 years with your children are precious. As they become pre-teens and teenagers, their peers become more important, and they just spend less time with their parents. If [...]
When Is It Okay to Lie On Your Dating Profile?
Over the past decade in the single world, as online dating really took off, there were many debates among my peers as to when it is acceptable to fudge the truth a bit on your dating profile. Here are the 4 big things everyone agreed you should not lie about: 1. Height, weight or age-- seriously, it is so easy to get busted on those lies in the first date, and we can all agree that it is not nice to waste someone's time. What may seem superficial to one, may not be to another, who maybe only want to date a person that is over 6 feet, or a certain physique or age. We all have our reasons for liking certain attributes. 2. Geographic location. Sadly, a lot of us do think about commute time and how hard it will be to date someone outside a 20 mile radius. 3. Family situation. Accept where you are in life, and that some people may not want to get involved with a pending divorce or complicated custody schedule. No one should misrepresent his/her marital status or obligations towards their children. 4. Future vision- If you want to marry and/or have kids (which is normal for about 80% of the population) just be aware of the fact that not everyone shares this as a mission. And if you never want to marry or have kids, just own that these are your choices and realize that you should not provide another with false hope. It is simply not fair to let someone develop a connection with you when you are not on the same page about future goals. So, what are the two areas where most people agree it is okay to say a white lie? #1- No one needs to know early on the full reasons for your last break up; and #2- Your profession-- many believe it is quite appropriate to dumb it down a bit either to screen out gold diggers or not intimidate potential suitors. If you are not sure what to say about your last break up or your profession, run it by some friends. Mine will never let me live down the fact that at times over the last few years I told people I was simply a writer or data analyst, which is true-- I do write every day, and I do analyze data, but [...]
Are You Changing Your Name?
I ask this question every day-- of women getting divorced, not those about to get married. Why? Well, because for brides I think this is a very personal choice, and not one that I really can weigh in on. Meanwhile for those getting divorced, although it is a very simple procedure legally to be restored to your maiden name as part of a divorce proceeding, this decision involves complicated logistics and emotions for my female clients, especially when they share the same last name as their children. Whether you are a bride to be, or a soon to be divorcee, the procedure for changing your name is generally the same-- and I suggest your share this with any bride and/or groom you may know so that s/he can fully appreciate what is involved here: 1 You will need to obtain from the court a certified copy of either the marriage certificate or divorce decree. Get multiple copies just to be safe-- this will probably cost about $6 each. 2. Submit the court document to Social Security to obtain a new card. 3. Go to DMV with that court document and your Social Security card to get a new license. 4. Contact all your banking institutions (including credit cards) and submit your new identification cards so they can update your records. 5. Get a new passport with your new name. 6. Contact all your organizations/licensing institutions to update your name change. 7. Let friends and family know, and update your social media profiles accordingly. These are the main steps, and as you can see it is not easy, quick or cheap. And then there are other factors to consider, such as how will this impact your business? How will your children feel if you don't share the same last name? How important is it to your new spouse that you share the same name? How attached are you to the name you have? All tough questions that need to be asked by each individual woman in order for her to make the best decision for herself. At 25, when I first married and had not yet established my career, there was zero hesitation in changing my name, and when I divorced in my 30's I kept my name both for business reasons and because I wanted to share the same last name as my son. Now that I'm in my 40's, [...]
How Big Is Your Ask?
We all need something from others-- truly, not a single person I have encountered over the last four decades operates as an island. But the key question to keep in mind when asking for something is this: how big is your ask? The bigger the favor, the more prepared you need to be to get a "no." As a divorce lawyer, here are 3 big asks I often have to deal with: 1. Alimony- asking someone to help their ex meet his/her expenses is a big ask, especially if you are seeking indefinite (aka "lifetime") alimony. 2. Custody- when someone says they want "sole" or "primary" custody, that person has to be prepared to answer the inevitable question of why is that appropriate? 3. Property- often one spouse just wants to keep the house or his/her retirement. I get that there are emotional reasons for these positions, but we need to present logical reasons in court to justify each and every request. Outside of divorce court, the reason settlement talks break down is really because the asks are too high. When it's too difficult to bridge the gap, negotiations break down, leaving everyone in limbo until a higher power can intervene. Even in non-legal disputes, it seems aside from power/control issues, every day people keep arguing about these same two things: time and money. Both are limited resources, and we don't all share the same priorities. Especially as families get re-configured (either through births, deaths, divorce or marriages), you have to understand and accept that new obligations may be created that will impact someone's ability to contribute time or money to your cause, whatever that may be. But if you really want to boost your chances of success, my advice is fairly simple here: remember your please and thank yous. Word choice matters a lot, and people are far more receptive to requests versus demands. Unfortunately, no matter how nice or accommodating you may be, not everyone is capable of putting themselves in another person's shoes, and they can only see things from their own perspective. It is almost impossible to work/try to reason with someone that lacks the capacity to have empathy for others. In these scenarios you just have to remind yourself that it's about them, not you so you just need to pick your battles and know when to walk away. Before your next big ask, take a [...]
Can You Meet Me Halfway?
When you find yourself at odds with someone, what do you do? Do you get mad or sad? Do you fight or flee? These are all normal emotional responses, but what you really need to do in the face of conflict is calm down and let the rational part of your brain kick in. This is very hard to do when you are in the middle of an unpleasant situation, but try to think of it this way: when the milk gets spilled are you just going to sit there and cry, or go get a mop? Hopefully, you will opt for the mop, and as you walk over to grab it, here are some points to consider: 1. What is my best case scenario? And what steps do I need to take to get that outcome? 2. What is my worst case scenario? And how sure am I that this won't happen? 3. What are the transaction costs involved? Make sure to take into account how much it will cost in terms of time and money to pursue a battle to the bitter end. 4. What are all the possible solutions that can mitigate everyone's damages? It is important to take into account here others that may not be part of the direct conflict but that could be impacted by the on-going tension/failure to reach a solution. Over the last 20 years in the legal field, these are the 4 steps I have used to guide people through settlement discussions in an attempt to avoid a trial, because the sad truth is that court is very expensive, not at all a speedy process, and it can often be unpredictable. It's taken me a long time to accept that conflict is a normal part of life, and that we don't always get it right inside a courtroom. But thankfully it rarely gets to that point-- 9 out of 10 times we are able to talk through concerns, listen carefully to what others have to say, and find a way to meet each other halfway and thus avoid a bloodbath. This is not just a way to resolve cases, it's actually a great way to navigate life. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq. .
Destination divorces are turning heartbreaks into holidays by Wendy Paris in Quartz
I was sipping wine on the balcony of my apartment in Santa Monica with my soon-to-be ex-husband, our son fast asleep in the next room. “It feels like the Caribbean out here,” my almost-ex said. “I figured out why. That huge palm tree is making rustling sounds like in the Caribbean.” “You’re right,” I said looking up at the fat palm across the street, rising over the buildings, taller than our townhouse back in Hoboken, New Jersey. We’d recently moved to California together, apart—after splitting up—and both still found ourselves dazzled by the splendor of our new environment. We’d been separated for two years by that point, but hadn’t yet made it legal. “I think we should get divorced in the Dominican Republic,” my almost-ex continued perhaps recalling our past tropical idylls.“It has such a great history.” Read the Full Article in Quartz