Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Are You Challenging Yourself Enough?
If you are feeling a bit bored, or complacent, and you are tired of the same old, same old then it is obvious you need to challenge yourself a bit more. If you want to shake things up, here are 3 key areas to consider working on: 1. Professionally- what goals have you set recently? What steps are you taking to achieve those goals? Long after we have completed our studies and established our careers, we need to continue to find opportunities for learning and expanding our minds. Thankfully there are plenty of great webinars or continuing education programs out there, and if you feel you need some personal assistance find a mentor or career coach that can give you an extra push in the right direction. 2. Personally- are your personal relationships bringing you joy and/or helping you grow emotionally? If not, it's definitely time to try something different, and since you can't force others to change, focus on yourself. Are your expectations too high of others? Do you make a lot of assumptions? Both of these tendencies can cause you major disappointment. At the other end of the spectrum, maybe you are the one that is self-sabatoging? Do you have some self-destructive tendencies or bad habits that you need to break? Work on yourself-- only once you do that will you attract the right kind of people into your world. 3. Physically- when is the last time you felt sore after a good workout? If you are tired of your routine, maybe splurge on a few sessions with a personal trainer. If you think your diet needs some tweaking, go meet with a nutritionist. Our bodies change over time, and we need to pay attention to their different needs. The last 20 years as a retired athlete, I definitely continued to push myself professionally and personally, but I honestly failed to really test myself physically. Don't get me wrong, I have maintained a healthy diet and exercised regularly, but for the last few years I have been craving some a change, and finally this month I took the plunge and did 2 things: (1) returned to yoga to gain back more flexibility and (2) got a personal trainer that is kicking my butt. I will admit that I've been waking up sore just about every day, but you know what? It feels good. They say "no pain, no [...]
Are You Making Some Bad Decisions?
Realizing something is wrong is half the battle, so cut yourself some slack. If you don't feel like you are at your best, work through those feelings and identify the source of your stress so you can address it, otherwise things most likely are just going to get worse, and the more irritated you are the more likely you are to make some really bad decisions. Why? Well think of it this way- if a car's alignment is off, the more you keep driving it the worse it will handle. The same is true with humans. When you run a diagnostic on yourself (something that usually works better when you talk it through with another individual) there are 8 areas of life that you want to take into account: 1. Finances- is your budget balanced? Cash flow issues are a huge source of stress, and to resolve them you either need to (1) tap into savings; (2) increase your income or (3) decrease your spending. Easier said than done, I know, but this is where consulting an expert might be incredibly beneficial. 2. Work- are you satisfied with what you are doing? Given that most of us spend 40 hours a week or more at work, it is important that we feel valued, and I do not just mean well compensated. Are your efforts properly recognized? Is your work environment friendly and comfortable? If not, you have to speak up and advocate for some changes. 3. Partner- are you in sync with your life partner? If not, what can you do to improve this key relationship? If you don't have a life partner- are you okay with that or does it bother you? Finding and keeping a healthy partnership is a huge commitment-- of both your time and effort. 4. Family- are those in your family that you love doing okay? Those of us that are part of the sandwich generation are going to have a particularly hard time balancing different needs between our aging parents and our young children. Just remember, you cannot please everyone, so just do the best you can. 5. Health- are you taking good care of yourself? For those of us conditioned as athletes to eat right, exercise and rest to keep the machine functioning properly, this comes as second nature, but the majority of you need to work at this-- seriously, you will be [...]
What’s The Hardest Thing You Have Ever Done?
What is the hardest thing you have ever done? If you can't narrow it down, think of your top 5. Now, up to this point, here is what my list would look like: 1. Left home at age 14 for boarding school; 2. Gave up my beloved sport to focus on academics in college; 3. Married someone at 25 that my mom did not approve of; 4. Divorced that someone knowing I would have to hear "I told you so"; 5. Left my firm job to create my own flexible schedule; 6. Raised a son for 10 years as a single parent; 7. Canceled a wedding; 8. Had to do a short-sale on my condo during the Great Recession; and 9. Searched for and connected with my dad after 38 years. How do our lists compare? You know what- it actually doesn't matter because this is not a contest. The point I really want to emphasize is this-- there is not a single thing on that list that I regret doing. All were worthwhile learning experiences that made me who I am today, and if you look at your list ask yourself, isn't that true for you too? Just as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I firmly believe that we alone get to frame our reality. You can see something as nerve-racking or exciting. You can see it as difficult, or simply challenging. Do you see the glass as half full or half empty? It is your attitude that makes all the difference in the world. You alone can choose to rise to the occasion or sit back wallowing in self pity. Thankfully, very few of the people I work with opt for the latter approach, and as a result I am inspired on a daily basis by my divorce clients as they face some of the most trying times they have ever encountered. Challenges will always come up in life, and the one key thing that got me through all of mine is that I did not have to face any of them alone. The other saving grace for me is faith. If you don't have faith in a higher power, then at least have faith in the overall goodness of humanity. You cannot lose hope when faced with a major obstacle-- instead you need to find an ally, preferably one with some dynamite [...]
What Is Your Achilles Heel?
We all have a weak spot, that is what makes us human. Sometimes we see them clearly, but other times we may be blinded by our emotions, which is when we must accept help from others to face those fears we cannot face alone. Here are the 4 most common ones I see while helping people through a divorce: 1. Money- A lot of people worry about money, either they are not good money managers or maybe they are and yet they live in fear of not having enough. No matter what your issue is with money, the point is you have to face it head on, and if you need help balancing a budget or finding the right number that will help you feel safe, then get the advice of a financial planner. Don't just ignore the issue and hope it goes away, that simply doesn't work. 2. Time- Many people complain about not having enough time to do everything they need to do, but perhaps this is really an issue about not making the right choices. We each have to learn to balance various interests and not over-commit ourselves. It is all about identifying priorities and sticking to them. Talk to a life coach if time management is truly overwhelming for you, and try to embrace the word "no" a little more into your vocabulary. 3. Relationships- Establishing new ties and re-negotiating old ones is a work in progress for everyone. We all have to re-assess our commitments to family and friends whenever there is a change to the status quo. Births, marriages, deaths and divorce all disrupt our family structures, and navigating through the sea of emotions alone is simply not humanly possible-- this is when you need the support of a neutral friend or expert to let you vent, problem-solve and help you mourn the losses and appreciate the gains that always accompany a major change to the family unit. 4. Kids- This is definitely a tough one for any parent-- we all love our kids and want to keep them safe and happy, but at the same time we cannot allow ourselves to go into financial ruin to provide them with everything their hearts desire. If we are going raise responsible citizens, then we have to model for them the behaviors that will be expected of them as adults and encourage those traits in them [...]
See How Far We Have Come?
Twenty years ago, while I was in law school and no states in the country recognized gay marriages, we barely debated the issue of gay marriages, in fact it seemed the enactment of DOMA (The Defense Against Marriage Act) which defined a marriage for purposes of federal law as only the bond between a man and a woman, was a clear indication that unfortunately our nation was not at all ready to entertain the idea of gay unions. Somehow in the 21st century, in large part I think we must credit social media, the gay-rights movement gained national attention, and by 2013 over a dozen states recognized gay marriages, which then created some uncertainty as to what would happen with unequal treatment of these individuals for purposes of federal rights or the application of matrimonial laws in the event of death or divorce in different states. Lawyers cannot live with ambiguity, so it was not a surprise to hear that the Supreme Court finally struck down DOMA as unconstitutional on June 26, 2013, a day I will vividly remember because I learned of the decision just as I was exiting DC Superior Court, and therefore I was able to easily walk to the Supreme Court to see the rainbow flags and people celebrating the news. Two years ago, after DOMA was declared unconstitutional, President Obama stated, "the laws of our land are catching up to the fundamental truth that millions of Americans hold in our hearts: when all Americans are treated as equal, no matter who they are or whom they love, we are all more free." Fast forward just two years later (with only about 12 states not on board with recognizing gay marriages), and finally today, once and for all, the Supreme Court has stated that bans on gay marriages are unconstitutional. As Justice Kennedy so eloquently stated: No union is more profound than marriage for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family... [the petitioners] respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves.. they ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. Today is a momentous day demonstrating just how far we have come in the evolution of family law over the last 40 years, and it has been an honor over the past 17 years to be part of many of [...]
What No One Ever Tells You About Work-Life Balance by Natasha Burton in Daily Worth
We've all heard the phrases "work-life balance" and "having it all" ad nauseam, but what we don't hear are the unfiltered, unpretty truth from those in the trenches — what trying to create a balanced life actually looks and feels like. So we asked professional women — CEOs, lawyers, divorced women, single moms, those who are childfree by choice — to share what they were surprised to learn about the notorious pursuit of “having it all.” Here's what they said. Read the Full Article in Daily Worth
What Are You Worried About?
Unless you are a child, whose every possible needs and wants are taken care of, everyone worries about something. As young adults, most of us worry about our grades, whether we are choosing the right career, or if we will find a good partner to create a stable family with us. Then, starting in your mid-30's just when you think the big worries should be over after hitting all the right benchmarks, the really difficult questions start popping up: (1) Finances- Are you making enough money to live comfortably? Have you saved enough? Are you satisfied with your career, or is it not all you thought it would be? These are all good questions, and you need to find the answers to them now, not later. It is normal to worry about money if you are GenX or a Millennial because unlike our parents, we haven't grown up in an era that believes in guaranteed pensions, Medicare or Social Security, and we actually aren't even sure if our kids will have a better life than us. (2) Aging- Are you coming to terms with your fading youth? Let's face it, by mid-30's we all start to see our metabolisms slow down, as our hair starts to gray, and little lines slowly start to appear on our faces. Some of our peers and our elders for sure are developing health issues; meanwhile, for women, our child-bearing years are coming to an end, and for those who have not found the right person to have a child with, now is the time to look into other options including fertility treatments and adoption, if you can see yourself as a single parent. (3) Relationships- Are you satisfied with your personal relationships? If not, now is the time to implement some changes. Start by working on yourself-- what are your real needs and wants? Do you make those known clearly? Do you compromise too much, or not enough? Where is it that you can improve? As you start to change, just keep in mind that many will resist any alterations to the status quo. Don't run from the friction, face it-- and teach your kids to do the same. Lasting relationships are meant to evolve, those that do not become extinct. When tackling these difficult issues, it helps to know that you are not alone. Whether rich or poor, famous or not, all of [...]
5 Tips for Those About To Tie The Knot
During the height of wedding season, I spend a lot of time each week talking to couples not just about matrimonial law and the benefits of having a prenuptial agreement, but also about more practical issues, like the need to set a realistic household budget together and to be open to working with experts going forward to help with either financial questions or communication issues that are likely to arise throughout the course of any long-term relationship. For those that want to make it last, here are 5 key tips: 1. Talk about finances- Planning for a wedding and honeymoon is the first big test dealing with money talks for a couple, but certainly not the last. Even if the couple opts against a prenup, they should at least have the discussion about (a) what should be kept separate, (b) what will be joint, and (c) how will they handle the household budget? If you are willing to memorialize this in a prenuptial agreement, even better-- especially if you want to protect yourself against an alimony claim in the future. Prenuptial agreements do not cost a lot of money and buy you (and your family) a tremendous peace of mind. In the meantime, if you feel overwhelmed by money talks or find that the two parties have vastly different views on spending vs. saving, go meet with a financial planner. . 2. Premarital counseling- This is totally different from couples counseling that you seek when things are already breaking down-- if you are there, that is NOT a good sign. What I am talking about is a pro-active effort to get some professional advice on strategies that will enhance your relationship. Many religious institutions offer courses, and there are some great on-line resources or workshops for couples, just one weekend if you like, where you can have a facilitated dialogue about how you envision your partnership working. What is important to you in a spouse? What are that person's needs and desires? Do you share the same core values and vision for the future? How can you ensure that you continue to communicate well? Can you establish some rules for resolving conflict? I highly recommend Dr. Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 3. Learn Your Love Languages- Dr. Chapman wrote an entire book about this, but you also go to his website www.5lovelanguages.com and take a 4 minute quiz to determine your love languages. Rarely do we pick a partner [...]
Do All Your Disagreements Turn Into Arguments?
It's normal to disagree--we simply don't all see things the same way, both figuratively and literally. A great recent example is the whole debate on Youtube about whether a dress is white and gold, or blue and black. Not everyone in my household saw the same colors, and in the end we all just agreed to disagree. Same thing happened again this week with a vase that I think is yellow but others see as lime. Maybe it depends on the lighting? Who knows, but more importantly, who cares? After 20 years in the legal industry if there is one great take-away I can impart on all others it would be this: pick your battles. Not all disputes are worth a fight, which always have a cost. In fact, if you find that all or the majority of your disagreements with others turn into arguments, then you really need to stop and consider this: how you are going to address this very serious problem? The regrettable reality is that this issue is an internal one, and not external. The truth is that until you are at peace with yourself, you will not be at peace with others. If you feel the need to win every debate, honestly ask yourself why is that? It is a need to feel superior or dominate? Does this stem from feelings of insecurity? Whatever it is that is driving you to always want to crush the opposition, find a way to rein it in because first of all not everyone is an opponent, and secondly no one wins all the time. If you find that your work or home environment is what is upsetting you, then you need to find a way to change that environment-- either try to change the dynamics within or literally extricate yourself from the situation and find a more suitable atmosphere that pleases you. Realize that not every person or environment that you encounter is going to be open to change. In these cases you have to accept that it's not that they are wrong, it's that you are wrong for that particular relationship or setting. If others won't change, you have to let them be and just focus on you. They say understanding is the enemy of conflict, and I also believe acceptance is the key towards living in harmony with others. Is it easy? Of course not, especially [...]
Matrimony and Moving: How to Live Happily Ever After by Anne Wynter in Sparefoot
Committing to another person and planning a wedding are hard enough on their own. Add in the challenge of moving and combining households and you may start to question your love for your significant other. To make it through the moving process and get on the road to happily ever after, keep these five strategies in mind. In conjunction with National Moving Day, which in 2015 falls on May 26, SpareFoot is sharing stories about people who’ve moved amid life-changing events. This story focuses on relocating after getting married. Read the Full Article in SpareFoot