Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
What Every 20-Something Woman Should Know About Prenups by Paige Brettingen in Refinery29
There’s nothing like the mention of a prenuptial agreement to swiftly rob newly engaged couples of their “happily ever after” high. Granted, it may not be the most romantic way to kick off wedding planning, but according to Regina DeMeo — a divorce attorney based in Washington, D.C. — prenups are seeing a surge in popularity, particularly among millennials. Read the Full Article in Refinery29
What Changes Do You Most Want To See?
Usually, those people that are motivated to re-marry do so within 2-5 years of their divorce, but alas not all of us feel the need to tie the knot so quickly after being burned-- especially, when your vision of a life happily ever after goes up in flames. It's okay to take your time and mend your broken heart before you go in search of love again. And while you are at it, here are some changes you may want to consider: 1. Physical Health- How comfortable are you with your own body? If you want to lose weight or tone your muscles, change your workout or maybe even get some medical intervention to fix things you don't like about yourself, go do it! Focus on yourself for a bit, and don't feel guilty about it. The great thing about setting physical goals is that within a short period of time you can really start to see results, and this will boost your spirits greatly. The undisputed fact is the more positive your energy is, the faster you will recover from whatever heart break or disappointment comes your way. 2. Intellectual Stimulation- Are you bored at work or at home? Having a great mind is a gift you should not squander. We all suffer lulls either at home or at our jobs, but rather than allow your brain to just atrophy find something new to learn and challenge yourself. Learn a new language online or in a classroom, sign up for continuing education courses that will either help you advance in your career or maybe assist you with changing jobs. Or maybe it would be fun to teach? Volunteering to teach kids is a great way to give back and connect with your community, and the questions they ask are so insightful. 3.Emotional Intelligence- I've met a lot of brilliant people with the emotional IQ of a pea. Seriously, there is not a single person I know that can claim to have mastered emotional intelligence, and that is because it is a work in progress, and we are all constantly learning as we react to different environments, experiences and life challenges. There are tons of great life coaches for one-on one sessions, seminars for those seeking a group setting, or there is always the library (or internet) full of books on psychology and spirituality. Awareness of your mind, body and [...]
What Do You Like Most About Being Single?
After a decade of being single, I've been reflecting a lot on what I have enjoyed most about being on my own the last 10 years, and here is what I have so far: 1. You wake up and go to sleep when you want to, without anyone else disturbing you; 2. You eat what you want, when you want; 3. You spend what you want on whatever you want; 4. You make your own plans on your free-time; 5. You can be as neat or as messy as you want to be at home; 6. You never wake up surprised that your favorite snack/drink is gone from the fridge; 7. You can plan whatever trips you like without the need to compromise; and 8. There are no arguments at the end of the day-- just peace and quiet. Now while all of this may resonate with many and sound great, let's be realistic-- there is a reason why about 80% of Americans get married, and I highly doubt the motivating factor for most is to have kids or gain financial security. The truth is that life can be much sweeter when you have someone special by your side. If I am completely honest with myself and all of you, for the past decade, that special person has been my son. He filled a void for me that would otherwise have been unbearable. I realize that many in the single scene either fall into the category of "empty nesters" or have not yet started a family, and so they will not be able to cope with the Dating Game the way I did the past 10 years, and for those my advice would be to find some other way to fill your emotional tank with love and joy. The game itself does suck, that is just a fact-- it is full of people with different (sometimes quite dishonorable) agendas, and there is a lot of rejection and disappointment that you will have to endure until you find that right fit. But quitting is not an option unless you are prepared to live a life in isolation. So, you must persevere creating almost a Teflon coating over your heart so that all the outrageous insults and injuries you may endure do not stick to you as you continue moving forward playing 20 questions with as much dignity, integrity and grace you [...]
What Skeletons Are In Your Closet?
In light of the whole Ashley Madison scandal, I am sure millions out there are now counting the days until their secret is revealed, especially those that used their government or military emails that now risk severe consequences not just personally, but professionally. And then at the other extreme we can all picture a whole other camp of individuals relishing in the fact that these people that broke their sacred marital vows are now being exposed, in fact almost branded with a virtual scarlet letter. Where you fall on this hotly debated topic depends a lot on how honest you are with yourself about the skeletons you have in your own closet. No one is perfect, and since none of us are currently sitting in the position of ultimate judge or jury on any of the cases that may result from this unfortunate breach of online information, let's just take a moment to think about the current turn of events. Over the last 10 years, modern technology has completely changed our lives. The search for anything, including a sexual partner, is now possible with just a few swipes or keystrokes from the comfort and privacy of your own home. And yet, everything is now captured digitally, and just about everyone around you now has a camera and immediate access to the internet, allowing anything to go viral instantaneously. So, it is super easy to obtain just about whatever you want-- but it is also ridiculously easy to get busted. This is the simple truth of our times. Now, in the case of Ashley Madison users, at least they were being honest about their marital status. In so many other websites, apps, or even just your local bar down the street, you will find complete liars that profess to be single, separated, or together but living apart-- ready to leave their spouses once the kids go off to college. These unhappily married folks have been around for centuries, and will continue to exist long after this current scandal is forgotten for one simple reason: keeping a marriage together is hard work, and not everyone is up for the challenge of working through issues both in good and bad times, through sickness and in health until death brings an end to their holy union. A lot of people delay the decision to divorce simply because of finances. The reality is it is [...]
5 Signs Your Relationship Is Dysfunctional
Are you wondering if your situation normal? Lots of people ask me this question, and honestly I no longer know what is "normal" but to me the more appropriate question is this: does your relationship work for you? If you are having your doubts, then obviously something is wrong. Here are 5 common areas of concern: 1. Lack of Trust- This should be self-explanatory. You simply cannot have a healthy relationship without trust and respect. 2. Lack of Commitment- Are you both committed to staying together and working through life's challenges? We all suffer setbacks, illnesses, financial loss, and family drama. The key question is will your partner be with you through the good times and the bad? 3. Conflict Avoidance- Let's be honest, very few enjoy conflict, but it is a part of life. We all have different points of view and will not always see eye to eye with our partners, and yet you have to be able to talk candidly about your concerns and work through issues together. Avoiding conflict and faking happiness will not work out in the long run, it never does. 4. No Accountability- Do you check in with one another on major decisions, or do you each just do your own thing? If you are truly part of team, then you cannot continue to operate as two separate entities. You need to keep your promises to each other, and hold everyone in your household accountable for staying on task with the mission/vision/values you have established for your family. 5. No Results- We all have goals, and hopefully the goals you have established together with your partner are being met-- for example the goal to get married, buy a house, have a child, save for retirement, have "date night" at least once a week, travel twice a year, etc. If those goals are not being met, you will find frustration, anger, disappointment and resentment are all going to build and the result of that will not be pretty. Hopefully once you identify the problem, you can then look into ways to remedy it. While each person's situation is unique to them, the fact is these 5 common issues arise either at home or work for most people. Indeed, Patrick Lencioni wrote a book "5 Dysfunctions of a Team" dealing with the corporate world, and as I listened to an interview with him going through these points I could see [...]
Is Your Wedding Budget Realistic?
If you have been through this drill once before, then these numbers won't surprise you, but if you are getting married for the first time, prepare yourself for a little sticker shock. The average cost of a wedding in the U.S. is about $25,000. You may wonder, how can this be? Well, let's think about what costs are involved here: 1. Church/Synagogue- The fees for using a church or synagogue vary, depending also on whether you are a member or not, but for budgeting purposes let's just assume $850 including the officiant's fee. 2. Flowers- Depending on what you want this can get very expensive, but again for sake of simplicity let's use $600 as a place-holder. 3. Dress- Stupidly, I spent $1,000 on my first dress, which was a beautiful silk gown that was never worn again. I'm not doing that this time around, but even so good luck finding a nice man's suit for the groom and a nice dress and shoes for the bride for under $1000, so let's go with that. 4. Grooming- Every bride I know wants her hair done a special way for the big day, plus makeup and of course you need a mani/pedi the day before, with tips this will run at least $150. 5. Rings- In addition to an engagement ring, you will need wedding bands. I realize sky is the limit for some, but I'll just use $10,000 for the sake of this argument. 6. Music- Whether you get a DJ or band, I doubt you can get away with less than $400 unless your friend is giving you some steep discount. 7. Pictures- Unless all you want is a selfie to show at the end of the day, you need to hire someone to capture the special day, but do you really need the whole day? And how many people do you want on staff? What is the final product you want-- a complete album or just digitals? Do you want one of the best photographers in the industry or are you willing to give someone relatively new to the scene a shot? I've heard of people paying as much as $4,500, which I personally think is insane. I'm going with $800 as a more realistic average number. 8. Rehearsal Dinner- Even if you do a low key BBQ in your backyard, with food and beverages you can easily [...]
Do You Feel Like It Is Groundhog Day?
Remember that 1993 movie with Bill Murray, where he keeps waking up and the day keeps repeating itself? If you are stuck in a vicious cycle, it is normal to feel like you are starring in Groundhog Day. While the topic you may be arguing about is different, the same fight is going replay itself because the core issue remains unresolved. Here is an example: Day 1- you fight about the dishes in the sink. Day 2- you argue about the clothes not in the hamper. Day 3- you have a fit about the trash not being taken out. Day 4- you get upset because there is not a single sweet text message sent. Day 5- you get fired up when you find someone forgot to pay a bill, or pick up the dry-cleaning, etc. By Day 6 you are in big trouble for one very simple reason-- for a relationship to be happy and healthy you need 5 positive interactions to one negative, yet in this scenario you have had 5 straight days of blow ups. You don't have to be math genius to figure out the odds are now stacked against you, unless you can find a way to reboot. To break away from a series of bad-spells, you may actually need to get away, maybe spend a day apart and do something you enjoy on your own. You can vent to someone you trust if you need to, with the goal being to purge the negative energy. Then, maybe try to get away together-- even if it is just a romantic dinner, a concert, movie, day hike-- whatever helps remind you of the love you share and the bond you have created over time. Building on the positive energy, when you return to your normal routine, it is important to gently start to tackle the real issue that is haunting your relationship. Brace yourself, because repair work is not easy. You will need good communication skills and insight in order to work through rough patches in a relationship. We all have them, but at the end of the day if you are committed to understanding one another and finding solutions together, you should be able to get past the bumps in the road. At the end of the day, the issues that upset us the most are pretty easy to identify-- we all want our partner's empathy, [...]
Are You Looking for A Roadmap?
Once upon a time, most of us knew exactly what was expected of us and we yearned to meet those expectations: get an education, find a good job, have some fun until you find a nice partner, and eventually start a family. About 80% of women will accomplish this by the time we are 40, but then a funny thing happens, as we realize we are at the half-way point in our life expectancy-- we find ourselves asking some difficult questions: can I keep working the same job and/or living with the same partner for another 20 years? Are there things I have left undone and still want to accomplish before it is too late? And beneath it all is the ultimate question: what do I need to be truly happy? Those that find themselves contemplating the road that lies ahead are not having a mid-life crisis, but rather are reassessing where they are versus where they want to be. At this critical juncture, many often first default to looking for a new roadmap. Indeed it is wise to read and learn about the journeys of others, mainly to gain courage and inspiration. Ultimately, however, you need to do some soul-searching on your own-- dig into your past and make peace with it. You need to understand and appreciate the bizarre series of events that transpired to get you to where you are today. Then, you need to let go-- forgive the past and surrender to the unpredictable nature of what the future holds in store for all of us. After my divorce, I delved deep into my past and went in search of answers about my family's complex history. Once I pieced that puzzle together, I stupidly tried to zoom ahead, which is how I wound up calling off an engagement that never should have happened. In the year that followed, I meditated every day and spent a great deal of time reading spiritual books, with my favorite being "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior." Only after I truly accepted that there really is not much I can control in this world did the full picture come together in all its splendor. So, don't waste your time looking for a roadmap that does not exist. Instead, embrace the notion of navigating your own vessel through unchartered waters. There will be storms, no doubt. But there is a reason [...]
Are You Trying To Negotiate With The Devil?
Some people just cannot be reasoned with, they simply will not budge. The art of compromise is not part of their emotional tool box- so it's either their way or the highway. When you hit this wall (and we all do at some point with toxic people) the question actually becomes quite simple: is it worth the fight or should you just give in and walk away? Answering this question, however, is not so simple-- but here is some food for thought: 1. How well do you know your enemy? If you are going to fight, you better know your opponent's weak points and strengths. And you need to consider what do they have on you and what are they capable of doing? Are they willing to borrow, beg and steal to fight to the bitter end? If so, can you (and those around you) stomach that? 2. What resources are at your disposal? Is there even a higher power you can appeal to if the other person won't budge, and what are the transaction costs involved with that process? A common phrase we use with clients contemplating litigation is that we all have principles worth fighting for-- but can you afford the fight? Literally, before you go to war you have to have a war chest. 3. Is there nobility in quitting? There is a value to ending a battle, especially for the sake of restoring peace and sanity into your life, particularly when kids are involved. Battles take a toll on you physically and emotionally, not to mention financially. So do you really need to prove a point, or can you cut your losses with this toxic person and move on with your dignity intact? There is a great book by Professor Mnookin "Bargaining with the Devil" that discusses the various factors one should consider in a cost-benefit analysis before launching WWIII, and Bill Eddy's books including "It's All Your Fault" has wonderful tips for dealing with high conflict personalities, but at the end of the day, no one but you will be able to look deep inside your heart to determine whether you can live with yourself if you put down your sword and forfeit the fight. Only with age and maturity have I learned the beauty in this simple truth: you are the one being irrational if you expect an irrational person to be reasonable. Stop [...]
What Is “Ours” Versus “Yours” or “Mine”?
This is a question that plagues me every day-- either in my prenup consults or with those about to embark in the divorce process. Explaining the law is easy, but getting couples to agree on what should be part of the marital pie is often not easy at all. With a prenuptial agreement, couples can redefine upfront what will be considered separate versus marital during their marriage. Some choose to waive a right to making any claims for alimony in the event of divorce, others prefer to set caps on the duration and/or amount. To a detached person acting like a scribe, these may seem like straight-forward issues, but as I sit there talking it through with my clients the reality is there are a lot of complicated emotions that need to be flushed out well before each couple says "I do." Throughout the years, I have come to understand that there is a wide range of attitudes out there about what people feel entitled to in a marriage. Not everyone agrees that everything accumulated during a marriage through employment efforts and savvy investments should be "ours." Particularly, those that are over 40 and/or entering a second marriage with assets are much more prone to want to protect their own nest eggs and minimize the risk of having someone else on their payroll. I know it sounds harsh, but it is true. Those willing to remarry later in life mainly seek a life companion, which is so amazingly uplifting and yet it begs the question: what are you going to build together? On the flip side, for those that unfortunately face a divorce without a prenuptial agreement, there are a lot of unknowns that will need to be addressed and the reason for all the uncertainly is that fundamentally there are severe differences of opinion between estranged spouses as to what is fair and reasonable with respect to either a support award or division of assets. It's just not easy for two opposing sides to agree on what is "ours" and how should we split it all? Given everything that is at stake, before you get too ahead of yourself in planning a future together with someone, sit down with your significant other and ask yourselves some difficult questions, including what is going to be yours versus mine? What do we want to build together? And, do we want [...]