Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Are You Tired Of Bending Over Backwards?
All relationships require effort, but in healthy ones the give and take should feel about equal. If you feel like you are putting in more of an effort than the other, or you don't feel satisfied with the return on your investment of time and/or money on someone, eventually you are bound to hit a wall. This is normal, and when this happens, you will find yourself lacking the same motivation you once had to do or say nice things, plan anything fun, buy thoughtful gifts or even hug. Then what do you do? Hopefully, when you catch yourself losing enthusiasm in a relationship you once held dear, you can have an honest conversation with the other person to try and repair your bond. Together, if you are both committed to working things out, you should be able to come up with strategies to improve your relationship. Unfortunately, however, some people are incapable of receiving critical feedback. Truly, these people are not going to be able to hear you say that they did or said anything wrong. So if you are dealing with one of these people, repair efforts may not be very fruitful, and sooner or later you will realize that instead of being able to connect more with this person, you need to switch gears and start building a wall. Why a wall? Because you need to protect yourself from further injury by creating boundaries. Boundaries are the limits we set for others not to punish them, but rather to prevent us from getting hurt. So for example, if I feel like I am always the one making an effort to reach out, do nice things, etc. and I find myself constantly disappointed by the other person's lack of response, then I will stop going out of my way for this person not as punishment but rather to spare myself any further disappointment. Now is it possible, and in fact probable, that the other person will think I'm being mean? Of course, but remember we each are entitled to have our own perception of reality. How do you know when you need to set up boundaries? Easy-- when you sense that what someone expects or asks of you is going to seriously hurt you or it goes completely against who you are, then you need to listen to how you feel-- pay attention to how your gut [...]
5 Conversations You Need to Have Before You Get Married in Washingtonian
You might be surprised by how much changes between you and your significant other once you take the plunge and tie the knot. But it’s the goal of Regina DeMeo that couples have as few surprises as possible after they’ve said “I do.” As a Washington attorney, DeMeo has spent over 17 years assisting engaged couples in Maryland and DC to develop strategies to enhance their partnerships using legal tools, such as prenuptial agreements, as well as key referrals and reference materials to help establish the proper foundation before they begin “happily ever after.” Read the Full Article in Washingtonian
Prevent a Bad Divorce: Part II by Wendy Paris in Splitopia
Last week, I wrote about the benefits of making a personal commitment to treating your spouse well, even if your marriage ends. Many of the people I’ve interviewed who have decent divorces described their spouses as friends first. They entered the marriage with a genuine regard for the other, and this sense of fellowship made it easier for them to focus on creating better lives for both, unwed—rather than spinning out into anger and law suits. For some, raising children is an intensely important shared interest that spurs cooperation, much like a pre-existing friendship. Prioritizing their mutual interest in raising happy, healthy children helps many couples transition into a friendly co-parenting relationship. Read the Full Article in Splitopia
Is Your Step Family Refusing to Blend?
I have really come to despise the term "blended family," and it turns out I'm in very good company. In fact the National Stepfamily Resource Center discourages the use of that word because the very term sets up an unrealistic expectation, which just further complicates an already difficult situation that at least 42% of Americans can relate to by having at least one step relative. Sadly, couples that remarry with children have almost a 70% chance of divorcing, and the number one reason is this: fights over their children-- not just because of the time and/or money they require from a parent, but often it is the whole attitude adjustment (or lack thereof) to the new family dynamics. Venting to your partner isn't really going to be helpful, but venting to friends actually might. If you have friends that have already been through a step-family experience, gaining their insight might ease some of the pain by normalizing the process you are going through. If you don't want to talk about the issues in public, then there are plenty of great books on the subject, including "Stepcoupling" by Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green, and one of my all time favorites: "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin, who points out that only about 20% of adult children actually feel close to their stepmother. There are a variety of reasons why step families fail to blend, but that does not actually mean that they cannot learn to function effectively. The hardest part is just accepting that your bunch will not be anything like the Brady Bunch. But if you think about it, how can it be? If we are truly honest with ourselves, we can all agree on this very harsh reality: just as no one ever aspires to be a step mother, no child ever dreams of having a step mom. Blood is definitely the tie that bonds, and when you don't have, well.. what do you have? It makes sense that the parents in a step family have to make their marriage a priority. Their relationship has to be rock solid to prevent the whole house of cards from crashing down. And if there is one thing all divorced parents want to avoid more than anything else is putting their kids through yet another round of marital turmoil. So, before things get too ugly, it is imperative that stepfamilies with issues get [...]
Is A Good Man Hard To Find?
Perhaps in Flannery O'Connor's time, a good man was hard to find-- because let's face it in all generations prior to mine, men were mainly primed to be good providers. But in the 21st century, where women can provide for themselves, find a sperm donor, and live a single life without any of the shame or hardship once associated with those that remained unmarried, men have really had to step it up. So, with the pressure now on for GenX guys and all those that follow to be much more than just good providers like their fathers, or their fathers' fathers, here are 3 ways I see plenty of men rising to the occasion: 1. Caring Fathers- Unlike the men of their father's generation or anyone before then, today's men are expected to be involved fathers, sharing in all of the child-rearing responsibilities. Indeed, today's dads can be seen everywhere changing diapers, pushing strollers, taking their daughters to ballet class, making time to chaperone field trips, attend parent-teacher conferences and school functions, etc. And, even when the marriage fails, I see my male clients step up to the plate, trying their best to maximize their time with their children and support them financially to the best of their ability. Does that mean I never encounter dead-beat dads? Of course not, but my point is that after 17 years in the business of helping families through a divorce, I have found dead-beat/absent fathers to be an incredibly rare minority. 2. Supportive Husbands- Contrary to what was expected of men of prior times, today's man is not just expected to provide financially for the family and keep it in his pants, but he's expected to also know how to be an emotional support to his life partner. Despite everything they have learned as boys to not show too much emotion, we expect them to come home and open up their hearts and minds to further develop a deep emotional bond that we so long for with our partners, and guess what? Most of them actually try-- they really do try, at least to the best of their ability, and this is where it is important to remember that saying you cannot expect a fish to climb a tree. 3. Good Role Models- Throughout my entire life, I have been blessed with incredible male role models/mentors, and I know from my other female [...]
Are You Having a Rough Year?
If you feel like 2015 hasn't been your year, especially if you have gone some through difficult transitions either at work or with your family, there is some good news for you: the year is almost over! Seriously, there are less than 8 weeks left to go here, and while none of us can go back and un-do what has been done, we can all think positively and start making plans for a brighter year ahead. Here are 3 key areas to think about: Health- if you are not happy with your work out or eating habits, the holidays is probably the worst time to try and implement some changes, but there is nothing like the start of a new year to set a new routine in motion! At least explore options for a gym, personal trainer, or maybe meeting with a dietician to set you on the right path for 2016. Finances- if you want to earn more or spend less next year, now is the time to plot out what changes you can make to have a more balanced budget. Many of us need help figuring out the best strategies to pay down debt and save for retirement while also putting money aside for our children's education, and these questions are best discussed with a CPA or financial planner to make sure you are not making decisions based on just your emotions. Relationships- if you realize that some of your personal relationships could stand some improvement, you are definitely not alone! Maintaining relationships is hard work-- especially with those you love. Your spouses, children and other close relatives often do not share the same personality as you, and sometimes things get lost in translation. Luckily, there are many great books or coaches trained to guide you through the process of learning to communicate better and manage your expectations. When my divorce clients first come to me, I warn them that they are in for a rough year. There is a lot of upheaval in that first year as you create a new identity for yourself, learn to manage your own finances, and have to build all new routines. If you think about it the same is true for those who just got married. Lots of change all at once is very stressful, even under the best of circumstances. So you know what my best advice is to all [...]
Are You Thinking of Getting Engaged?
The holiday season is a popular time for people to pop the question. And soon thereafter, engaged couples will begin to plan for the big day-- finding the right venue, deciding on the perfect menu, developing the guest list, and selecting all the necessary vendors for the special day, all of which will cost an average of $25,000 per wedding, and in the DC Area yields about $1.1 Billion a year in business. Needless to say, this is an intense endeavor with significant demands on your time and finances, so before you take that big step try to take a step back, and just ask yourself these 4 key questions: 1. What are the reasons you want to get married? The motivating factor should not be because you are tired of the dating scene or feel external pressure either as a result of a biological clock ticking, finances, or having a visa that is about to expire. It is also not healthy to want to play the role of a savior-- although we all want to help those we love, it grows old when one person constantly needs to be rescued by the other. Furthermore, applying the sunken cost logic, i.e. we have invested too much time or money into this relationship to call it quits is very faulty logic. If things are not good now, it is not likely to miraculously get better by committing yourself financially and legally to one another. Indeed, the only real reason you should want to tie the knot these days is because you genuinely love that other person (accepting them the way they are and not the way you wish they would be), and you cannot picture life without him/her being a part of the many adventures that lie ahead. 2. Are you in sync about finances? First there is the issue of paying for all the costs associated with a wedding, which is no small undertaking. But beyond that are much deeper questions: How important is it for both of you to save vs. spend? How will you manage a household budget? Will you want to keep separate accounts or create a joint account, and who will manage them? Do you want a prenup to define what will remain separate versus joint? Are you both self-supporting? If not, are you worried about alimony? If so, do you want to ask for a [...]
Is Heartbreak In the Air?
Have you noticed a surge in break-ups recently? Well, you are definitely not alone. As we adjust to the cold weather season, knowing that the holidays are around the corner, many men see this as time to "hibernate and cuddle," but unfortunately what many don't realize is that for women (who tend to plan much further ahead) this is the time to end something that isn't going anywhere. Why? Easy-- because 1) there is no point in trying to get through the holidays with someone you are no longer in love with, and 2) the sooner you stop going down a dead-end street, the sooner you can go find a more promising path-- maybe even before New Year's Eve if the stars align just right. This my friends is one of the best examples of how women and men think differently. Year after year, I have heard so many of my male clients say they would have just continued with the status quo. As long as work is good and home life is comfy, 9 out of 10 guys will just let things lie. But women, hmm ...we really are an entirely different breed. We let our minds (and often our emotions) race ahead, and as we check in with our girlfriends we wonder out loud, "what's the plan for the holidays? are we getting engaged? are we moving in together? are we going to talk about having kids in the new year?" Or if we are already married with kids, we may be thinking, "how are we going to spice things up? does he realize I'm not feeling emotionally connected? what efforts is he going to make to focus on us?" Now, if you don't think you are on the same page with your partner, before jumping to any conclusions, try to ask yourself these 3 basic questions: 1. Do you think your partner cares about you? 2. Is your partner willing/able to hear you? 3. Do you think your partner can change? If the answer to all three questions is "no" then there really isn't any point in trying to work anything out. But if there is still love and hopes of a brighter future together, then an open and honest conversation about what can be done to fix things is in order-- preferably at a mutually convenient time when neither one of you is too emotional. When [...]
How Flexible Is Your Thinking?
This week, I am looking forward to presenting at the annual conference for the Academy of Professional Family Mediators on the topic of Flexible Thinking. Obviously the majority of those in the audience, given their chosen profession, probably already have a proven ability to think flexibly, but the challenge for us is still this: how do you teach others to be flexible thinkers? Flexible thinkers have a demonstrated ability to see problems from various points of view, and they don't see conflict as a failure, but rather a challenge that requires some creativity in order to find a solution. If you are a flexible thinker, you don't see things as black or white. It's not your way or the highway. You are open to possibilities. You listen with genuine interest. You collaborate well with others and enjoy brainstorming. You share ideas readily, and appreciate feedback. You draw others into your world with diverse backgrounds and expertise. And as you pull all of these things together, you see magic happen. Truly, if you have experienced this you know what I mean. Now, if none of what I just said resonates with you does that mean it is game over? No, not at all. It does mean you will need a guide, and there's a lot of work ahead for you. But the payoff is immense, both professionally and personally, for the less rigid you are in life, the easier it will be to ride the waves as they come--and to pick up the pieces if/when it all comes crashing down on you like a Tsunami that appeared without warning. When I first began mediation almost a decade ago, I was still stinging from the raw feelings of immense failure and defeat following my own divorce. I naively thought that my mediation cases would be easy, because I stupidly assumed that those choosing mediation instead of litigation must value the preservation of goodwill. In fact, that is not always the case, and often the motivating factors may well just be to 1) spend less in legal fees or 2) avoid disclosing embarrassing details in an open courtroom. It turns out, the reasons a couple chooses mediation does not matter at all, but to get them to the finish line, it is critical that they get past their positions and learn to articulate their needs, wants and concerns in an honest and respectful [...]
What Is Your Window of Opportunity?
In the medical world, they say every minute counts when it comes to restoring blood flow to stroke patients. It is believed that the maximum amount of time to start administering blood clot dissolving treatment once symptoms of a stroke start is 4.5 hours. The more time you lose, the greater the chances of causing irreparable damage to a person's brain. May I suggest that the same is true when you have a blow-up with your significant other. Time is simply not on your side when it comes to repair work. While we all need time to cool off after an upsetting situation, research suggests that within 20 minutes you should be able to calm down. During that time, take a walk, a soothing shower, perhaps sit still in a quiet room and take several deep breaths. Collect yourself and your thoughts. Start to think with your frontal lobe, not the emotional side of your brain, and then do something. Try to think of at least one thing you can do to repair the situation at hand. Remaining immobile should not be an option. Why? Because each minute that goes by without taking action is just depriving your heart of the love it needs. Simply stated you could act quickly to make the wound nothing more than a minor paper cut, or allow the wound to deepen with time into an infected gash requiring a major operation that may or may not succeed. All significant relationships will face challenging times, it is how you face those challenges that makes or breaks you. Unfortunately, there are many out there that are conflict avoiders. Obviously, I am not one, but inevitably in every marriage that I encounter there is always one person that is more assertive and another that is more passive, and when these two personalities have to tackle a problem, their conflict styles are bound to clash. The passive person feels the other one is being aggressive and in response becomes defensive or simply shuts down. This is very infuriating to the other, who can quickly cross the line from assertive to aggressive, and hopefully you can see how quickly a minor dispute can erupt into World War III. No one is capable of withstanding repeated blows without any injury. No one. We are all human, and we do all bleed. Keeping this in mind, together with the analogy of [...]