Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Is Your Financial House In Order?
It's almost tax day-- a happy day for those getting a refund, and an irksome day for those that owe more than they had anticipated. The good news for all of us at least is that it should all be over by next week, and then we can take a moment to plan ahead for the upcoming year. Gathering all your financial data is usually the most painful process, but now that you have the data from 2015, take a good look and see how much did your household earn? How much went to taxes? From your net, how much was spent on housing and medical costs? How much did you manage to save into your 401(k) or other retirement funds? How much were you able to put aside for a rainy day fund or the kids' college funds? If you did not save as much as you would have liked, now is the time to figure out where you can reduce expenses and set a realistic goal for saving more in 2016. Managing money is not easy-- because it's not just about the numbers, it's about the underlying emotions. For all of us, money is a means to an end-- whether that end is just being able to meet your basic needs or to fulfill your wildest dreams. And a lack of money, is for most of us a source of great anxiety and stress precisely because it means we are at risk of not meeting our desired end. Money is not something dirty-- it's neither the root of all evil, nor is it the answer to all our problems. It is simply a tool we need to learn to master in order to not just survive, but thrive in life. So, if your financial house is not in order, don't ignore this issue. Tackle the emotions first-- what would financial security mean to you? What does that look like? Then, figure out how can you get there. And if you need help, ask for it. There is no shame in that. Is your financial house in order? It's okay if it's not, as long as you don't ignore the problem and instead learn to deal with it. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Are You Conflicted About Leaving?
Sometimes, we may not know exactly what we want, but we often know exactly what we don't want. That in itself is a good thing-- at least it helps us eliminate that which we do not desire in our lives. This is especially true, when it comes to love. When we are dating, we all have some checklist of the characteristics we are looking for in a partner. Typically, these include traits like good looks, intelligence, a good sense of humor. Most of us seek someone who is kind and enjoys our company. And at first glance, it would appear there are a lot of people out there that can fit that bill-- especially in the beginning, when we are all on our best behavior, presenting our best-selves. Real moral dilemmas do not arise until the honeymoon phase is over. Once the lust-phase is over, and you are under one roof confronting real life problems that have to be addressed as a couple, this is when you really start to see a person's true character. How we manage money, divide household chores, maintain work-life balance, and define family, are all difficult areas to address when you are not on the same page. As tension builds, you can see that we all cope with conflict differently-- some are complete conflict avoiders, while others beautifully rise to the challenge of finding solutions, and then there's everything in between. Unfortunately, communication problems often exacerbate clashing styles for resolving conflict. And with each and every argument, if you don't find yourself understanding each other better, that means the opposite is occurring-- you are growing farther and farther apart, while also losing trust and respect with each and every seemingly minor spat, until the chasm between you has grown so vast that when you face the other person, it feels like you are staring at a stranger, or worse your mortal enemy. If you find yourself lying in bed with someone that feels like your adversary, it's inevitable that a new sort of checklist will start to formulate in your head-- you start to weigh the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. Only you can decide whether it is worth trying to save your relationship, and I imagine a lot depends on whether you still believe you can win back the friendship and love you once had. My final key point to those [...]
Is Your Love Slipping Away?
Do you feel like your honeymoon phase maybe took place in a different life? Has your heart stopped skipping a beat when your partner reaches out for you, either by phone, text or in person? When you read old love letters or look at pictures from the past, does it seem like you are watching someone else's love story, but not your own? If any of this resonates with you, then you are in a relationship that is experiencing a crisis. Rarely does someone fall out of love all at once, but rather it is an accumulation of scuffles that left us quite wounded, and because those wounds have not healed, with each passing day we have built up a pyramid of resentment. So, instead of building a bridge that connects our world with our lover's we unconsciously begin to lay the foundation for a concrete wall that will protect us from the infliction of further harm. It is easy to drift apart. We go our separate ways during the work week, and then maybe one or the other starts staying late at work or making plans to catch up with other friends. On weekends, maybe one goes to the gym or spa while the other goes to play golf or visit family. When you have kids, it is very easy to pour your heart and soul into them, and using them as a excuse to stay occupied you expend all your energy on them leaving nothing for your partner when the day is over. Days turn into weeks, which turn into months in the blink of an eye, and meanwhile the divide between you grows wider and wider until one day, perhaps on a special day that once had some meaning, you wake up and find you have nothing left to celebrate. And when this happens, that is when you know beyond doubt that you have let that chasm between you and your partner become too vast. How do you fix this? That I cannot answer for you, but at least if you want to fix it, I believe that where there is a will there is a way-- provided both parties are committed to working things out. If not, things will only continue to deteriorate, and when too much damage is done to a relationship there will come a point where you just cannot turn back and undo [...]
Splitopia: Dispatches from Today’s Good Divorce and How to Part Well by Wendy Paris
Engaging and groundbreaking, Splitopia challenges outdated, negative assumptions about divorce with sharp wit, searing honesty, rigorous research, and intimate interviews, and offers guidance for healthier, happier splits. When Wendy Paris announced that she and her husband were separating, friends forecast a tsunami of devastation—for both of them and their child. But as Paris would discover, divorce has improved dramatically in recent decades, due to changes in laws and family structures, advances in psychology and child development, and a new understanding of the importance of the father. Yet disapprobation and fear persist. Available for Purchase at Amazon.com
How to Deal With Financial Rough Patches in Your Relationship by Natasha Burton in Daily Worth
Time and time again we've heard that money is the topic couples fight about the most. And it makes sense: From owning a home to raising children to planning for the future, our finances color almost every aspect of our lives. But it's not just disagreements about spending and saving that can cause couples grief — sometimes major life changes or other issues arise that can take money problems to new heights. Here are some of the more challenging scenarios that you and your partner might face, and advice to help you come out of them stronger, both financially and personally. Read the Full Article in Daily Worth
BUSTED! How Cheaters Were Caught Red-Handed by Marni Feuerman in About.com
We all have heard shocking stories about cheaters getting caught. Certain professions, such as therapists, private investigators, and family law attorneys have heard quite interesting tales on this topic. It seems that sooner or later if you are cheating, you’re going to get caught. In fact, Regina DeMeo, a Washington DC divorce lawyer states she has “lost count of how many of my clients have been caught cheating because they leave their email accounts open, or the log-ins are saved on a shared computer.” She goes on to say that “catching a cheating spouse has become significantly easier in the last 5 years thanks to modern technology.” Read the Full Article in About.com
Here’s Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Prenups (But Were Afraid To Ask) in Yahoo! Lifestyle
Prenups: They're not just for celebrities anymore. In fact, more of your engaged friends may be getting them than they admit. Prenuptial agreements are more popular than ever, and millennials appear to be driving the trend: In a 2013 survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 63% of divorce attorneys say they've seen an uptick in prenups. "Historically, most people that were getting prenups were people with substantial wealth or family money, or people who were getting married for the second time and wanted to make sure their assets were protected for the kids," Regina DeMeo, a Washington, D.C., divorce attorney, told Mic. Read the Full Article in Yahoo! Lifestyle
How Much Is Luck A Factor In Love?
A lot of people these days focus on how lucky you have to be to meet the right person, but really is that truly such an act of serendipity? Isn't the more remarkable feat the ability to preserve that love over decades? Seriously, if you talk to couples that have been married for 20 years or more, and you ask them about their marriages, few if any focus on how they met their spouse and instead most of them will tell you about how lucky they were to have weathered life's storms together. Maybe if we talked more openly about these "storms," we could better prepare couples for the road that lies ahead. Here are 4 common challenges that can either make or break a relationship: 1. Family Deaths- Whether it is mourning the death of an unborn child, or a close relative that has been around for decades, people need to grieve each loss, and each person must go through the grief cycle at his/her own pace. Feelings of loss are dealt with differently, but if you can find a way to stay connected during this difficult time, it will definitely deepen your bond. 2. Financial Loss- Whenever somebody suffers a job loss or major financial setback that risks the family's financial security or otherwise negatively impacts the family, it is going to take a toll on the couple. Even though we all know there is no such thing as a risk-free investment or guaranteed paycheck, when these kinds of stressors present themselves, they really don't just test our character, but our relationships. 3. Health Issues- If you marry someone healthy, and then later the person becomes ill either physically or mentally, it's impossible to predict how you will really handle the situation, and maybe it depends on the illness. A lot may be sympathetic towards a physical illness, but not so much when their spouse develops an alcohol or drug addiction, or begins to exhibit classic behaviors attributed to untreated depression, anxiety, or a high conflict personality disorder. 4. Life Transitions- If you marry young, you run the risk of not only not knowing what your spouse will be when s/he grows up, but not knowing yet who you really are and the direction you want to take with your own ambitions. If you marry later in life, you run the risk of being very set in your [...]
This Is The Best Love Advice, According To 13 Relationship Expert by Kristine Fellizar in Bustle
Whether you're single and looking, dating around, or are in a committed relationship, getting love advice from people you trust can help put your love dilemmas into perspective. After all, they've been there, they (somewhat) know what you're going through, and they just want whatever is best and will make you happy. Relationships with a romantic partner can be the single greatest thing in the world, as well as the single most frustrating. Because of that, many people have no problem venting out relationship issues to anyone who will listen — at least, that’s what I tend to do anyway. The funny thing is, when it comes to matters of the heart, people around you suddenly turn into love gurus who have no problem giving you their insight — no matter how bad it may be. When we want something to work out so bad, we'll try to receive any form of help necessary to make it work. Read the Full Article in Bustle
7 Things To Consider Before Leaving Your Spouse
If you find yourself struggling to keep it together during the holidays, you should know that you are in really good company. When you feel that you have nothing left to celebrate together, and you dread spending the holidays as a couple, that is a pretty clear indication that it is probably time to part ways. But before you say adieu, here are 7 things to consider: 1. Get legal advice. Beyond asking a friend, who may play a lawyer on tv, you really should consult with an attorney to learn about your rights and obligations; 2. Prepare a budget. You need to understand what it will cost you to be out on your own, so based on your income and/or available savings you can determine what you can afford in rent, etc.; 3. Explore Housing Options. We all need someplace to crash at the end of the day, and do not feel humiliated if you have to move back in with your parents or use a sibling's basement for awhile. Many of my clients have had to do this on a temporary basis, and I have found that they all benefited from the love and support of their relatives during a very trying time. Having a great family network that can spare you from going bankrupt is nothing to be ashamed of, but rather should be viewed as an admirable quality. 4. Secure Your Mail. To protect your credit and privacy, you want to make sure your mail is safe-- and I'm not just referring to snail mail, but email. Change all your online passwords to email, FaceBook, etc. asap and notify the post office to get mail forwarded elsewhere, even if it is a PO Box. 5. Take an Inventory. Go through your home and list all the things of value, maybe even take pictures. Also try to get a snap shot of your family's finances, including all assets and outstanding liabilities. 6. Establish Separate Accounts. Set up your own bank account and credit cards independent of your spouse. Even if on a temporary basis, you continue to use joint accounts to pay joint bills, eventually you will need to do your banking separately. 7. Disconnect on Social Media- There is no reason to remain friends with your estranged spouse on FB or to follow each other on Twitter. Seriously, remove all opportunities to snoop on each other, and try [...]