Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
3 Key Indicators A Divorce Is Imminent
After 17 years as a divorce attorney, I can easily spot the patterns of behavior that indicate a divorce is imminent. Here are the 3 most common ones: 1. Changes in Behavior- Either someone will join a gym and start working out more, or they now have to work late much more often than before, or maybe they have new friends that they have made on their own-- any of these become reasons they now avoid spending time at home. Your spouse will also hide his/her phone and emails. Privacy becomes increasingly important as they confide in others to prepare for the separation, and they don't want their emails or call history subject to scrutiny. 2. Separate Finances- If anyone wants to consult an attorney or start buying furniture for a new place, or they want to put a deposit on a new place or secure movers without letting their spouse know, they will pay these out of a separate bank or credit card account that the other spouse cannot access. If you ask questions and get a response saying "it's none of your business" you should know something is up. 3. No More Fun Together- It becomes a chore to make plans with someone that irritates you, and as a result you don't plan things together. It's hard to laugh or feel comfortable around someone that annoys you or worse has caused you harm either physically or emotionally. You will lose interest in being intimate, and you will find that getting a gift becomes overwhelming. When special occasions come up, you are really at a loss to want to celebrate, and as a result you don't. Eventually the tension in the air becomes unbearable-- it's as if all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. Experiencing any or all of these things is incredibly hard to stomach, but rather than ignore the problems or just hope that things will get better, it is important to try and confront the issues. There is nothing wrong with point blank asking the person if they want a separation. Better to be informed and know what's really going on so that you are not blind-sided-- then at least you have time to think things through carefully and formulate a plan. Knowledge is power, so go get empowered. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
4 Major Pitfalls Stepfamilies Should Avoid
No one likes to makes mistakes, especially publicly. This is why a divorce is such a humbling experience, and yet eventually with time most will come to accept that they made the best choice for a spouse at the time with the information available then. Moving forward (since none of us can go back in time) all we can do is hope to be more cautious while remaining optimistic about the future. And this is how over 60% of those individuals that divorce will eventually remarry, hoping to get it right the second time around. Unfortunately, second marriages have a fail rate of 70% or more, and sadly not enough is done to really prepare these couples for the major challenges they will face early on, unlike first marriages. Here are 4 major pitfalls I would encourage step-families to avoid: 1. Don't expect to act like an intact family. You guys are not coming in with a clean slate- probably one or both of you will have a pre-existing obligation to a former spouse, such as child support or alimony, and there will be different custody schedules that have to be worked around for vacations and holidays with your new spouse. Coordinating priorities about time and money is bound to be tough. 2. Don't think the kids will share in your joy. While they may be happy to see their parents are content with their new found love, that doesn't mean they accept the situation or want to participate in the formation of a new family structure. Indeed, according to "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin, only about 20% of adult children actually feel close to their stepmother. People will tell you not to take it personally, and they will all feel sorry for the children, but that is of very little comfort to the partner that is being shunned or slighted on a regular basis-- especially when that child's parent fails to be supportive or understanding because s/he is too busy defending his/her offspring. 3. Don't blur the lines between marital and pre-marital assets. Those assets that existed prior to the marriage are going to be treated differently, not just in divorce court but even in your marriage. Most people will feel territorial about wealth accumulated prior to saying "I do," and they may set aside the property and funds that are non-marital for purposes that you don't agree with, and you [...]
3 Great Lessons Divorce Teaches Us
Imagine that one day someone tells you that you have to find a new place to live relying on only half your household income, while at the same time your assets are reduced by 50%. Be honest, no matter who you are that's going to hurt. To make matters worse, in addition to the huge financial losses involved in a divorce, there are a multitude of feelings that a person must process at his/her own pace, including anger, shame, guilt, sorrow and fear. Fear is by far the worse-- it's the fear of the unknown that often spirals out of control and wreaks havoc as your mind wanders and starts to ponder: will I ever recover from this setback? will I be alone for the rest of my life? will I be okay? You need to mourn the end of one life before you can fully engage in another. But as time goes on, you discover an inner strength and courage you probably never knew you had, and as friends and family shower you with kindness you realize that you are not alone in this world, and that pain and suffering is part of the human experience that connects us all to one another. Having gone through my own divorce, as well as helping others with theirs on a professional level for over 17 years, here are 3 great life lessons most of us glean from the experience: 1. Learn to Live Alone- It is better to be alone than in poor company. Enjoy time at home, by yourself. If you find the silence unsettling, that means you have some work to do. You need to appreciate the peace and quiet around you, and let the stillness calm you. Once you find that inner peace, you will guard it at all cost, which means you won't allow anyone to come in and disrupt your equilibrium. In other words, you develop the ability to establish great boundaries with others, and this is a key life skill. 2. Manage Your Own Finances- If you can't rely on anyone else, you are forced to solve your own problems, including managing your own budget. If you have champagne taste on a beer budget, this may hurt a little at first, but learning to maximize your income, minimize your expenses, and control your own money is essential to survival and feeling secure. 3. Find [...]
Has Your Love Become Toxic?
There is a reason people say there is a thin line between love and hate. Believe it or not, the opposite of love in not hate, but rather apathy. Only someone you really love is capable of truly hurting you because they are the ones we trust the most, and we expect so much from them, including that they will love us back, be kind and caring, keep our secrets and never ever betray us. We can all agree that these are high expectations that we don't impose on many, and when these expectations aren't meant, the disappointment is quite profound. Suffering repeated disappointment in a relationship is like experiencing death by a thousand paper cuts. If you have experienced this, you know exactly what I am describing is a prolonged and painful death where with each day and passing week you slowly see the trust and respect you once felt for the other person diminish to a point of no return. Some people become sad when faced with disappointment, others become angry. These are just different ways of expressing the same underlying sentiment. Some will withdraw, others will act out- neither way is healthy or productive. Sometimes, it is the things we don't do that hurt more than the things we do-- like failing to recognize a special event or make an effort at little acts of kindness, no longer greeting someone with a smile, kind words or a kiss, ceasing to be intimate or even just check-in because instead that person is really checking out. Your partner should know your love language, and make an effort to speak it on a regular basis. You would not have fallen in love with that person if s/he did not know how to make you feel loved, so you have every right to feel betrayed when the one you loved has changed his/her pattern of behavior. And if despite your request to address any concerns, the patterns of behavior don't improve, it is normal for frustration and resentment to simply worsen over time, making the situation toxic and intolerable. When your love story has become a nightmare and the person you once loved has turned into someone f-d up beyond all recognition (aka a "FUBAR") you have to learn to cut your losses. Do not try to apply the sunken cost mentality-- it doesn't matter how much time or money [...]
Are You Looking For Unconditional Love?
Unconditional love is a gift bestowed upon most of us at birth, by family. Truly, it is a gift we do not appreciate until we are older, as we come to realize that all other relationships in life are premised on conditions of one sort or another. Unfortunately, after marriage vows are exchanged, I think many people fall back into this false belief that their partners have now agreed to provide unconditional love. In reality, however, nothing could be further from the truth because for most of us, marriage is conditioned on many things, including the need to communicate and be on the same page about your current responsibilities and future goals while remaining not just respectful and faithful, but caring and kind. Unlike blood relatives, who will remain family whether you like each other or not, your life partner is entirely a connection of choice. And with free will, comes the right to make a different choice if the relationship ceases to be nurturing and fulfilling. Marriage in the 21st century unlike those of previous generations is based mostly on desire, not necessity. No one I know actually believes in the clause "til death do you part." In fact, most would agree that if someone continues to show bad judgment and risks the safety or financial security of the family's overall well-being, these are valid grounds to opt out-- even without any physical abuse or adultery at play. The more people come to understand that the marriage contract, like all other contracts in life, are conditioned on maintaining a quid-pro-quo situation, the greater the chances those entering marriage will have more realistic expectations of their partners. Reality is that unconditional love is predominantly a gift passed down by your bloodline. In no way, however, does this diminish the conditional love extended to you by your partner because freely choosing to remain committed to one another to preserve the pact between you is an incredible gift too, just not one to ever take for granted. If what you seek is unconditional love, then you really aren't ready for marriage, and maybe you should consider moving back home to live with your mom. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Did Your Partner Sell You a Bill of Goods?
We are all on our best behavior when we first meet someone-- not that we are acting but rather we all seek to present our best self. It's also easy to get along when you are just having fun, and you don't have to confront major challenges. But like the saying goes, all good things come to an end, and sooner or later all couples have to have it out as issues will arise either about different goals, priorities, finances, or commitment. As we hash out our differences, we each have to deal with the disappointment that stems from what we expected would be the case versus what in reality our partners are capable of, and if you find that the disappointment has mounted to the level of fury then either your expectations were completely unrealistic or your partner has ceased to be the person you originally fell in love with. If it is the former, this at least you can work on, but if it is the latter, there isn't much you can do about that. It is infuriating when someone changes from being a sweet, loving, easy-going person to a mean, spiteful and argumentative individual. Essentially, it's as if they lied to you about who they really are, and it really doesn't matter whether it was intentional or not. What does matter is whether they recognize that they are behaving in an inappropriate way, and if they are willing to make an effort to change. But more often that not, people will blame those around them rather than see any fault in themselves. It takes a lot of maturity, insight and self confidence to admit that you have some work to do on yourself. When someone changes on you, it's easy to feel stupid. You start to ask yourself whether there were red flags that you ignored. Maybe you did, maybe you didn't-- either way, the important question is what do you do now with the information that you have? Can you live with the person you have before you and move forward, or do you need to move on on your own? I am all for trying to work things out, but if you are simply miserable together, there comes a point where you have to be able to cut your losses. If you no longer believe your partner is really sorry for the things s/he says or does and the words "I love you" [...]
Can You Escape The Quicksand?
In a healthy relationship, when conflict arises and you have a quarrel, you learn a bit more about each other, including your partner's fears, concerns, goals and desires, and with this greater understanding of one another you grow closer and deepen your bond. By contrast, when you are in an unhealthy relationship, with each and every argument you lose more and more respect, the trust deteriorates, and instead of growing closer you grow farther apart with each seemingly minor spat. Then there is the quicksand scenario, where at the time you call a truce to some battle you think you have made some progress only to find out a day or so later that your partner has reneged on your deal and instead of taking one step forward, you have actually taken two steps backwards. If you feel like you are stuck in quicksand, the most likely reason is that you are dealing with someone that is passive-aggressive. These people exhibit their hostility by being stubborn, sullen, and they deliberately procrastinate and fail to complete tasks that they are responsible for-- and when you call them out on this behavior they become increasingly hostile and angry. As the cycle of outbursts, followed by remorse and sullenness, then a slight period of calm before the next explosive episode happens more and more frequently, you will find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into that quicksand, until one day you finally admit to yourself that things will never get better, in fact they will only get worse if you stay. Once you can say this out loud to yourself, and hopefully to a few trusted others, this is when your escape becomes possible and the end of the madness draws near. Survivors don't just escape, they flourish once they are out of a toxic situation. The reason for this is actually quite simple-- as captured in this quote attributed to Plato: People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die. We all deserve peace and tranquility at home, which is meant to be a safe haven. Don't stick around those that create a quicksand environment-- learn to cut your losses as quickly as possible, and move on to greener pastures full of beauty and serenity. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
ABC News at 11: Regina DeMeo’s interview re the impact of Facebook on marriages
Facebook's impact on marriages- ABC News at 11, May 16, 2012.
Report: 28% of Americans Wouldn’t Marry Someone Who Had Debt by Rebecca Lake in MyBankTracker
Bringing baggage into a marriage isn’t uncommon but it can be a huge problem when it’s financial rather than emotional. MyBankTracker decided to take a deeper look at whether being in debt could cause couples to rethink saying I do. A nationwide survey was conducted asking respondents to chime in on how debt affects their outlook where marriage is concerned and which types of debt are most likely to put a damper on the big day. 28% of those who responded said they’d put their marriage plans on ice if their partner was battling debt. Read the Full Article in MyBankTracker
Do You Have Irreconcilable Differences?
What are irreconcilable differences? Well, in court we simply understand that you are no longer willing to remain married, and instead you prefer to live your lives separately-- and we don't care why. This is the beauty of no-fault divorce, which has become quite popular over the last 25 years, and as a divorce lawyer I appreciate not having to air everyone's dirty laundry or assassinate someone's character in order to allow families to move on with as much dignity and grace as possible. But outside of court, most of us do care about the why-- and we struggle to understand what problems are so insurmountable that a family would choose to part ways rather than work together to find solutions or a compromise. From what I've seen during the last 17 years dealing with divorces, here are the most common irreconcilable differences: 1. Money-When someone feels that the other person is jeopardizing the family's financial security, or the life-style preferences that impact spending vs. savings are so vast that a compromise cannot be reached, this often becomes a deal-breaker for couples. 2. Division of Labor- When one person feels like s/he is doing the lion's share of the work for the family, there is a sense of unfairness that needs to be addressed right away, otherwise with each passing day tension will rise while trust and respect for the other erodes to the point that the fundamental bond of friendship becomes non-existent. 3. Work-Life Balance- This is a common struggle individuals face, and it most definitely bleeds into every relationship we have-- because there is only so much time and energy we have in a day, and nobody likes to feel likes they are not a priority, especially in their partner's life. 4. Definition of a Family- Not all married couples want children, and if they do have children in common, there is the issue of how many can they both manage. There are also different expectations when it comes to how to spend vacations and holidays, and who should be included. Do you just want to be a party of two? That only works when you are both on the same page about that, but let's face it how realistic is that idea? 5. Lack of Consideration- When someone turns away from their spouse by either finding comfort in the arms of another or becoming addicted to alcohol, [...]