Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
What Is Conscious Dating?
A mindful approach to dating is very different from the hook up culture model where as long as there is some chemistry in the beginning, you give the person a shot until it ceases to be fun, and then you simply move on to the next adventure. Conscious dating involves the following steps: 1. A self exploration process- This is where you look at past patterns and identify those negative behaviors you want to break. Kick those bad habits, including any false assumptions you have made about having a specific "type" that is limiting you from expanding your options. Recognize your attachment style and think about the qualities you want to find in a potential partner. 2. Set clear goals and intentions- Do you want a casual relationship or are you seeking a committed relationship? What shared interests are important to you? What are your deal breakers? Know that if you want something more meaningful, this is going to take time and patience. 3. Pay attention- When you are getting to know someone, really listen to what they are saying and see if their actions match their words. Are you at ease with this person, or do somethings make you feel uneasy? Don't ignore red flags or dismiss your concerns. For example, if someone is spending money like it is going out of style, don't tell yourself, "no biggie, we can just keep our money separate." When you are cohabitating or get married, your partners problems do become your problems. 4. Cut your losses- The sunken cost theory is a fallacy. Don't think about how much time, money or energy you have spent on a relationship that is broken. While you can never get back what you previously put in, you can put a stop to the hemorrhaging and move on. Here is a tv interview on the subject with Dr. Shari Pfeffer Burns, who is based in CA. I recently interviewed her for an upcoming article on Splitopia & will post that soon! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZkOwT2RqpU&t=1319s
Are You Ready to Get Engaged?
Most couples get engaged between November and February each year, and then the wedding planning takes over for another 6-9 months until the big day. During that time, a couple will formulate a guest list that will not only drive the choice of a venue, but also the costs of the caterer and floral arrangements. Selecting the right entertainment and photographers to capture the special day are also important, as are coordinating the proper attire and transportation of all the key members of the wedding party. Add on the costs of the invitations, rings, gratuities to all the service providers, and a honeymoon, and without much imagination it is easy to see why the average U.S. wedding costs at least $25,000. Now, for a fraction of that cost, don't you think it is wise to invest in a prenuptial agreement in case you wind up in the 50% bracket that do not wait until death to part? Even if you currently do not have anything, don't you expect to buy a house together and accumulate some savings? What if you inherit money later on or develop intellectual property rights that might actually be worth something? What is the downside to having a discussion about what you think should be marital versus what should be kept separate? And do you really want to leave the possibility of alimony open-ended when you can easily minimize the risk of that by setting caps on the amount and duration if a complete waiver is not an option? We all have to sign contracts every day with providers that lay out what happens in the event one party does not fulfill his/her end of the bargain or becomes dissatisfied. Think about it-- your phone is under contract, your landlord or mortgage lender have made you sign an agreement, and if you have a car payment or own a credit card, then for sure those lenders also have agreements with you. So, why should it be any different with your soon to be spouse? I realize you are not in love with any of the others, but it precisely your spouse that has the greatest potential of hurting you-- not just emotionally but financially. When you co-habitate, share bank accounts, and decide to marry someone, you take on legal obligations and responsibilities. You need to plan for the worst, and then hope for the best as you [...]
5 Key Issues in a Divorce
What most people going through a divorce dwell on is the why, or how did we get to this point? Unfortunately, not everyone is capable of having a closure conversation, and many will be deprived of the apology they so long for, and perhaps rightly deserve. Ultimately, it only takes one person to call it quits, and often one party feels a bit blind-sided. The leaver undeniably has a clear head start on the process, no matter how quickly the other tries to catch up, which makes the whole experience feel a bit imbalanced and unjust. But these are all emotional issues that actually play a very small role in the legal process. Here are the questions that a divorce court will focus on: Alimony- Does one party need support from the other? Is the other able to help the economically dependent spouse, and if so in what amount and for what duration? Property Division- What did the parties accumulate during the marriage, and how can we divide the assets fairly? Is anyone claiming premarital assets need to be traced out, or that inheritance or gifts from third parties were received during the marriage that need to be excluded from the marital pie? Legal Custody- Can the parents continue to make shared decisions on major issues such as education, medical care and religious upbringing? Time-Sharing Schedule- How will the parents share time with the children such that the kids can have regular contact with both parents, as is deemed in their best interest? Child Support- Based on the family's income and necessary child-related expenses, such as daycare/aftercare and health insurance, what does the state formula recommend as a basic monthly support for the children? These legal questions need to be discussed with an experienced family law attorney, whose goal should be to streamline the legal process as much as possible. A lot will of course depend on the other party and the attorney s/he retains. For more information on this process, here is the link to a short podcast: https://soundcloud.com/wealth-strategies-journal/love-and-money-with-regina-demao-s01e02-issues-in-family-law-cases-wealthstrategiesjournalcom By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq. www.reginademeo.com
Have You Dealt With Your Baggage?
Anyone over the age of 35 that has gone through a divorce has baggage-- even if there were no children that resulted from that marriage. We all have poured time and energy into a relationship that failed, and when all your hopes and dreams for that marriage are shattered, it is normal (and healthy) to take some time to wonder: What went wrong? What could have been handled differently? And most importantly, what did this experience teach me? First, let's explore what might have gone wrong. Did you argue about kids? Did you have conflicts over money? Did someone do something to breech the trust or lose the respect you once had for each other? Did you have issues with intimacy or communication? Were you not on the same page about work-life balance, the division of labor, family or the future? Were you unable to handle a crisis together? Were expectations not met, or did someone drastically change? Any one of these could cause a marriage to collapse instantly if not handled properly. Now, what could you have done differently? Did you seek the advice of an individual therapist, couple's counselor or financial planner/CPA? Did you read any books or talk to others with similar issues? Did you try to talk about your issues, and how did you bring up the subject? Could you have been a bit too harsh or accusatory in your tone? Did you come across as someone that was complaining or someone that was looking to solve a problem together? Were you open to seeing the other person's point of view, or were you stuck on advocating your position/desired outcome? Did you try to compromise and meet your partner half-way? Hind-sight of course is 20/20. In the heat of an argument, none of us are able to see things clearly and in fact it is scientifically proven that we only retain about 25% of the information presented to us when we are upset. Only when you are calm, and feel secure, can you really look back at a situation and see things more clearly. And although none of us want to dwell in the past and relive painful experiences, it is important to think about what you have learned from your prior relationships before moving on to the next. No one wants to repeat the same mistake, nor do any of us want [...]
Are You A Woman On A Mission?
It is great to be goal-oriented, have a vision, and some sense of direction-- but when you are dating, you need to rein in these qualities just a tad so you don't overlook red flags or push past obstacles that maybe exist for a reason... Fleshing out what you want and what you don't want in a partner are a great first step to dating with a more mindful approach versus just hooking up whenever there is chemistry and riding that out until it ceases to be fun. But another key skill you need to develop is mapping, which is what you do when you play 20 questions to find out where a person has been, where are they now, and where are they going in life? Avoid making assumptions in the dating world-- just because you are looking for a committed relationship does not mean everyone else wants the same, and what that means to one person may not hold true to another. Not everyone wants to play house together, maybe some just want to focus on work during the week and do fun things on the weekends. Also, a lot of us over age 37 no longer want to have more kids or merge bank accounts and other assets. Very few, if any, still want or believe in a traditional marriage model where one person will stay home while the other bears 100% of the financial responsibility for the household. Don't pass judgment simply because what you would like doesn't line up with another person's choices or their attachment style. We all have different experiences that shape us, and there really is no right or wrong way to be. Some people simply have a very detached attachment style, others are very clingy, and then there is a whole range in between those two extremes. The key is just to find someone with an attachment style and life plan that aligns with yours. Trying to convince someone to change for you and adopt your view on a good partnership is never going to work. People only truly change when they want to modify something after realizing the error of their ways. When you try to fit a square peg in a round hole, what you get is a lot of friction, and sadly hurt people hurt people. Resentment and frustration quickly escalate into anger and hatred, or [...]
Is Your Family Ruining Your Marriage?
Sometimes, you know from the beginning that your in-laws are not part of your fan club. But other times, it may not be so obvious that your in-laws present any danger to your relationship because rather than reject you, they actually embrace you and accept you with open arms, except you don't fully understand what that means until you're really part of the family.... Some families only talk once a week and give each other the Arizona Sunshine Report, which means everything is always sunny and pleasant. (This is exactly what I was trained to do in boarding school-- we never told our parents about the sex, drugs, or other alarming events occurring at our high school.) But throughout the years, I have met others that actually tell their parents everything, and much to my surprise I have even encountered grown men that talk to mommy every single day-- maybe not by phone, by even just by text or via Facebook. Maybe if you have a similar pattern, then this would be okay for you, but for someone like me, who wants privacy and space, it's a bit much to stomach. Holidays and vacations can be another hot button topic. If you are used to planning romantic vacations with just the two of you, or if you envision a fun family vacation as being just your nuclear family, but meanwhile your spouse wants to include everyone on his/her side of the family, then Houston we have a problem.... and if your solution becomes some notion of divide and conquer, so that you go your separate ways and do your separate things, you really need to play that out over time and ask yourself: how long can we keep doing this, and is this really what we want to do? When you share all your sorrows and joys with someone other than your spouse, you are emotionally cheating. When you fail to connect with your own partner, and instead spend time bonding with others, you are emotionally withdrawing. And when you make your own family a priority over your spouse, you are failing to commit to the one person your vowed to honor and cherish, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. If your family ties are creating issues in your marriage, you need to find a way to address this problem fast. You cannot divorce your family, nor [...]
Why Flexible Thinking is Key to Problem-Solving
Flexible thinkers have a demonstrated ability to see problems from various points of view, and they don't see conflict as a failure, but rather a challenge that requires some creativity in order to find a solution. If you are a flexible thinker, you don't see things as black or white. It's not your way or the highway. You are open to possibilities. You listen with genuine interest. You collaborate well with others and enjoy brainstorming. You share ideas readily, and appreciate feedback. You draw others into your world with diverse backgrounds and expertise. And as you pull all of these things together, you see magic happen. Truly, if you have experienced this you know what I mean. In mediation, one neutral professional meets with both parties to guide them through the process of identifying the issues that need to be addressed and analyzing various options for an amicable resolution. This only works well if both parties are comfortable advocating for themselves, there is no history of domestic violence and there are not any major power imbalances. Within the Collaborative Divorce process, each party has his/her own attorney that will guide the 4-way meetings, where the attorneys work together as a team while assisting their clients to articulate their goals and concerns, discuss the issues that need to be addressed, and develop options for a global solution that promote the best interest of the entire family. If the parties agree to involve additional professionals, such as a divorce coach, child specialist or financial neutral, they will jointly select experts trained in this process. When couples opt for mediation or a Collaborative Divorce, the driving factor may not actually be a desire to avoid litigation in order to preserve goodwill. Often times, these couples are still stinging from the raw feelings of immense failure and defeat, but they are not so blinded by their emotions that they fail to recognize the great benefits of 1) spending less in legal fees and/or 2) avoiding the disclosure of embarrassing details in an open courtroom. Ultimately, the reasons a couple may choose an Alternate Dispute Resolution process can vary greatly, but as long as everyone is committed to cooperating with the exchange of relevant information to address the important legal issues and openly discussing options for reaching an agreement outside of court, the main challenge will be for the professionals assisting them [...]
Do You Think Nothing Ventured Means Nothing Lost?
There are some people that are so afraid of getting hurt that they will not put themselves out there. They don't believe that relationships ever last and therefore remain very guarded. Some might even refer to them as "prickly" like a porcupine. Of course, we all know that those porcupine needles are a defensive mechanism, and what is really going on is that deep down inside there is a very vulnerable child with unhealed wounds. Despite what some might think, those of us willing to expose our vulnerable sides are not stupid, naive or overly optimistic. It is not that we have never been hurt, or that we always see the glass as half full while others see it as half empty. As one of my closest friends aptly pointed out the other day, "the whole point is that the glass is refillable." The difference between those that close themselves off and those that remain open to letting others in is that those in the latter category have managed to process their loss. What you need to remember is the following: 1. You need to grieve the disappointment of a relationship that you thought had potential; 2. It is not about fault. Rather it's important to recognize that each person has a different capacity to love, often with varying expectations of what they want in life and a partner; and 3. Don’t feel stupid because things didn’t work out. Instead be proud that you were willing to put yourself out there and give it a shot. Those that think nothing ventured means nothing lost have completely missed the mark. There are so many wonderful experiences that they will miss out on, but their myopic view will never let them appreciate this fact, or they might resign themselves to believing that they are not worthy of being loved. But we are all worthy of love, and as long as we realize that nothing ventured means nothing gained we will continue to find the necessary courage to experience life to its fullest. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Are You Ready To Let The Cat Out Of The Bag?
When your relationship falls apart, it is a very personal feeling of loss that only you can come to terms with in your own time. If you are not ready to share the news, then don't unless of course, there are circumstances beyond your control that have accelerated the timeline for making your situation public. If you have time on your side, slowly build up to the idea of telling a few trusted friends and/or family members. The fact is you need their emotional support now more than ever, and keeping your grief to yourself is not helping anyone. Your loved ones will want to be there for you-- the longer you hide your pain, the worse they will feel later on that they were not there for you during the worst of it all. There is a lot you can do behind the scenes, very subtle things that most won't even notice. For example, take down old sappy posts on Twitter and Facebook and delete those lovey dovey photos on Instagram or other social media. Put away any of the daily reminders around the house of that person's existence. Meanwhile, create your own space-- redecorate, even if just by making a few minor changes, and start a new routine that is all yours. The point is to disengage from the past you had together, and to rebuild a life of your own. The sooner you feel comfortable again in your own skin, the sooner you will be ready to start telling others what happened-- and when doing so avoid TMI! Only share as much as you want, and only let people in on as much as is necessary. You will be amazed at how understanding most people will be, and let yourself accept their kind gestures-- it is like a soothing balm for your soul, which will heal in time. If you didn't do anything wrong, then you really have nothing to fear by letting the cat out of the bag. Once you do, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from you, and hopefully others a bit more detached from the situation will help you gain insight into what went wrong and show you all the reasons you are in a better place today. I know it is easier said than done, but take deep breaths and be grateful each day for what you [...]
Do You Need To Take A Break?
Listen to your gut-- if you feel like you need a break, don't try to convince yourself otherwise. Your partner may try to stop you, but don't let him/her scare you into sticking it out. What is wrong with taking a break? Nothing. Unless you or your significant other are afraid that absence will not make the heart grow fonder... which just confirms you need that break. When two people are in a good place, everything is so easy. You get along well, so you are able to relax and laugh while enjoying each other's company during a wide range of activities from the daily mundane chores to spectacular romantic dates that will remain memorable for the rest of your life. You feel secure and grounded, making it effortless to either stay present or look ahead to make plans for the future. Together, you can feel the warmth in the room that envelopes you like a soft, cuddly blanket that is oh so comforting. As you experience all this, you know without a doubt that this is love. But when you find yourself losing that loving feeling, and you are at odds with your significant other, the opposite becomes true-- everything seems off, and you can no longer relax. You wonder if you've lost your sense of humor, and it's hard to enjoy activities together no matter how incredible the date was intended to be. You feel lost and vulnerable, and instead of staying present you look nostalgically at the past and avoid thinking too far into the future in order to avoid having a panic attack. You can cut the tension in the room with a knife when s/he is in the room with you, and instead of warmth, when you do make eye contact there is a cold feeling that runs down your spine and gives you chills. This then provokes your natural desire to either fight or flee, and that's when you will find the idea of taking a break to be a good quick fix, because deep down inside you may still be wondering "is it you, or is it me?" The answer is probably both. If you feel like you need a break, do it-- even if it is just for a long weekend, or go away for a whole week and if money is tight stay with friends or relatives. Then, just pay attention [...]