Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Are You Holding Yourself Accountable?
The past 90 days, I decided to do an experiment and keep a log of every single expense I incurred each month. I wanted to check and see if I was sticking to a realistic budget, and also identify areas where I might be able to cut unnecessary spending. So, each and every day, I logged how much I spent, whether I paid cash or put in on my credit card, and at the end of each month I lumped them into categories, such as housing, food, medical, clothing, car, or entertainment. Then a funny thing happened a long the way-- I found myself become increasingly conscientious about the way I spend my money, and I am now much more comfortable with my budget as I start the new year. Maybe money management is not your issue, but it's about accounting for your time. If you are unsure about whether you are being efficient with your time, why not start by spending a week logging your use of time? How much are you working? How much are you sleeping? What are you doing with the time that remains? I firmly believe that once you see how you are allocating this valuable resource, you can cut out distractions that are counter-productive and perhaps you will make room for worthwhile activities that can improve your overall satisfaction. For those that are concerned with their health, maybe you can try tracking your calories and workout regiments for a month. I had to do this for years as a young athlete, so now as an adult I refuse to do this anymore, but I do believe there is tremendous value in doing this. The point is when you see how much you are consuming vs. calories burned each day, you can gain far better control of your choices. Life is all about choices-- what career you choose, the friends you pick, the relationships your nurture or discard, the life-style you pursue... and all of these different choices define us. The key is to recognize the power you have with each and every choice, and in order to do this you have to hold yourself accountable. Every day in divorce court, we hold people accountable for their choices-- and sadly, for some this is the first time ever that they've really had to justify their choices, including how they have lived and spent their money, [...]
Funny Ah-ha Moments
Ah-ha moments are pretty common in the divorce process. One of my favorites, is that moment when you realize that you can do something you previously relied on your ex to do for you. Mine involved the incineration of a hive of wasps, which I discovered inside the grill just as I was about to host my last BBQ at the marital home. My initial reaction was to call my ex for help, but he responded by saying, "if we were still together, I would run home and take care of this for you. But since you are my estranged wife, you need to deal with this on your own. I suggest you light the grill with the top down and run until it’s all over." I've actually treasured this story for years, but never wrote about it until this week. The full story about what happened was just published by Splitopia, and here is the link: http://www.splitopia.com/main/learning-to-rely-on-myself-post-divorce-and-loving-it By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
This Thanksgiving, What Are You Grateful For?
Thanksgiving is just a few days away, and this year in particular I hope we can all take some time during the long holiday weekend to reflect on what we do have in our lives, and express gratitude to all those that matter to us. I realize that many are still stinging from the election results that came as a shock to those of us in the East and West coast bubbles. Many not just here, but around the world, are nervous about what lies ahead for 2017. But, for just a moment, if you can suspend those feelings of disappointment, anxiety or regret, try to focus on something good, and give credit where credit is due. Here are some good options: 1. Health- Too often we take our good health for granted. This year in particular this point has come across loud and clear after attending several funerals, including one this weekend for friend that was only age 53. Take good care of your mental and physical wellbeing, and acknowledge those that help keep you in tip-top shape. 2. Family & Friends- I am lumping these together because I do believe friends are the family you choose. Our loved ones are there for us during the best of times, and the worst. They listen, console, love, help, and support us as best they can. Let them know how much you appreciate this, and do your best to reciprocate their efforts. 3. Safety- If you live in nice home (with a fridge full of food) in a safe area, where your kids can go to a good school and make friends with other children that decent and kind, then you are well ahead of many in this world that do not have those basic needs met. 4. Work- Whether you enjoy your job or not, if it at least allows you to comfortably support yourself and your family, then this in itself should be acknowledged as something that shouldn't be taken for granted. Those of us that are fortunate enough to have careers that interest us and give us a sense of purpose need to be extra grateful for this privilege that is not shared by many. 5. Spirituality- When we experience trying times, those of us that believe in a higher power, or a hidden source of energy that will ultimately balance things out, right the wrongs, and help [...]
What Kids Really Need From Divorced Parents During the Holidays
Divorced parents have a tendency to feel guilty that because they couldn't work things out with their former partners, their children must now shuffle back and forth between two homes. Especially during the holidays, this guilt seems to kick into overdrive for some, along with regret that certain traditions will no longer continue. But let's think about-- would they be better off in a house full of tension or devoid of love? And is shuttling between two homes really that bad compared to the alternative of only having one primary parent and limited visits with the other when they have two equally loving and fit parents? 1. Chin Up It is hard for parents to not see their kids every night, or on every holiday-- and I am actually saying that from personal experience over the last 11 years, but if you can put your child's needs before your own, then you can appreciate that for your children it is important that you don't make them feel bad when they go spend time with the other parent and extended family. So, just make sure you have your own plans, and encourage the kids to have fun wherever it is they will be spending the holidays. 2. Get Your Ex a Gift Now, I know it may not be easy, but it would also be great if you could help the kids find gifts for your former spouse and any new children that may now be part of the family. Believe me, it may not be easy the first time, especially knowing your efforts won't be reciprocated, but once you see how much it means to your child and you know that you are teaching them a good life skill, it actually leaves you feeling quite at peace that you can put the past behind you and gracefully accept the present state. 3. Remember the Good You may have moments of nostalgia, but don't let your trip down memory lane turn sour. Stop negative thoughts from ruining your holiday spirit-- the last thing you want to come across as is the Scrooge or Mr. Grinch! Try to over-ride bad memories with good ones, and in the end remember that the holiday season is a time to be thankful for what we do have-- and let's face it, you would not have your kids without your ex. 4. Love Surround yourself with [...]
Out With The Old, In With The New
The new year is right around the corner, and this is a perfect time to throw out unnecessary or unwanted parts of our past to make room for what the new year will bring. I personally have been on a roll since this summer, when I finally made time to sort through 21 boxes of old client files in storage that needed to be shredded. Once this was done, I felt so much better-- and I decided to continue with this process at home in 3 phases: -Sort through your closets-- what are you holding on to that is no longer worth keeping? Get rid of clothes that no longer fits or has gone out of style. If you have not worn something in years, let it go and then maybe splurge on new hangers that match, it actually makes a world of difference. -Do you have filing cabinets or old boxes full of documents? Now that it is a bit nippy outside, take time to go through them and throw out what you don't need. Declutter your home, including the garage and basement, and let go of the past. Take it in small chunks at a time if you have to so you don't get overwhelmed, but soon you will find that a little each day will take you a long way. -In this digital era we also need to remember to discard our digital data-- clean out your emails, electronic files, social media posts and pictures. While you are at it, see if there is any information you need to update. One thing that became obvious to me during this exercise was the desperate need to update my firm's website and organize the blog (with over 650 posts on topics ranging from love, dating, finances, marriage, parenting, divorce, and wellness). Please check out the new site: www.reginademeo.com In the end, you will feel really proud of yourself. These small changes, while perhaps imperceivable to anyone else, will make you happier, and that is something people will observe. The more positive your energy is, the more likely you are to attract positive people around you. Now, isn't that a great way to start the new year? So what are you waiting for? Go put on some good background music, and start the purge process-- let go of the past, and give yourself the gift of a fresh start for [...]
5 Reasons To Get A Prenup
Ever since the Great Recession, I have seen a dramatic increase in prenups-- especially among young couples that have never been married before. While they may not have much to protect at this time, they are a forward-thinking group that want to protect future interests, reduce the risk of money arguments going forward, and minimize any losses. Here are the top reasons Millennials ask me to draft their prenuptial agreements before exchanging their vows: 1. What's Separate? They want to define what will be kept as separate interests, including perhaps student loans, a family business, or any gifts and inheritance they may get in the future from family; 2. What's Joint? Clarify what will be joint or marital assets, sometimes by simply stating that title will control; 3. Ongoing Support? Many want to limit their exposure to alimony, if not with a complete waiver then at least with caps on amount and duration; 4. What's Premarital? To avoid arguments later, a prenup can easily memorialize each party's premarital property, including the current amounts invested in 401(k)s or other investments; and 5. Who Moves Out? Rather than have a War of the Roses scenario where no one is willing to move out, a prenup can establish a wind-down provision in the event of a separation, including at least a 60 day notice before one party moves out and outline the process for selling a jointly owned home within a specified timeframe. Any and all of these reasons are worth putting pen to paper and having a matrimonial attorney memorialize your agreement with your future spouse. No longer for just the rich and famous Hollywood types, these contracts are actually quite common today, and thankfully they have become relatively straight forward and inexpensive. So I think it's safe to say this trend is sticking around. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
5 Tips To Survive A Divorce
When things are falling apart, people are at their worst-- they are scared, anxious, angry, and deeply disappointed in the present set of circumstances that they find themselves in. It is my job as the attorney to calm things down, give them a roadmap, and help them see a light at the end of the tunnel. Most of my divorce cases are concluded within 12 months, and after observing my clients cycle through the grief process for almost two decades now, I've definitely picked up on 5 patterns of behavior that all healthy people demonstrate while coping through this difficult transition phase: 1. Stay Healthy- you need to eat right, exercise and get plenty of rest. If you feel something is wrong, don't delay in seeking medical care, including checking in with a mental health professional to help you process your loss. 2. Rely on others- your family and friends that love you want to help you, even if it is just cooking a meal for you, keeping you company, and providing emotional support for you during a difficult time. 3. Set Goals- whether it is an immediate need to find new housing or a new job, you tackle the important tasks critical to your family's survival first, and then you allow yourself to dream a bit and plan fun projects or a trip you've be longing to take for some time. 4. Be Organized- usually those that have everything in order aren't frazzled by the divorce process and any requests made for documents. Less work for the attorneys also helps reduce their legal fees, and it can really expedite a case. 5. Stay Positive- those that remain optimistic about life and humanity seem to weather the storms the best and bounce back from adversity in what sometimes appears to be superhuman speed. There is no doubt that their positive attitude attracts positive energy from others, who help ensure that good things come their way. So, if you can embrace these 5 healthy behaviors, I think you will find yourself quickly on the path to recovery. Remember, we all suffer setbacks, but it is a personal choice as to whether you let those setbacks define you. My daily choice (which is not easy as a divorced, divorce lawyer) is to try and forget the bad, and focus on the good. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
5 Terrible Reasons To Get Engaged
With the holidays approaching, this is a very popular time of year for couples to get engaged while surrounded by family and friends-- but just make sure you are doing for the right reasons, and not because you have fallen in love with the idea of getting married. Remember, the party only lasts a day, but the commitment is supposed to last a lifetime, in both good and bad times. While none of us can predict with 100% accuracy if a marriage will go the full distance, here are some clear signs you are off to a really bad start: 1. If you think getting engaged will make things better. Seriously? The dating phase is normally the best part-- it is when people are actually on their best behavior and making an effort to please you. If you are not on solid ground now, don't expect the ring to magically make things better. No object will ever have that kind of power. 2. If you think nothing better will come along. Just because no one has come along and wowed you yet, doesn't mean you should settle now. Don't fall victim to the sunken cost theory. I know it can get tiring to keep playing the Dating Game, but then just take a break, regroup, and maybe find new ways to invest your time and energy. 3. If you just want to have a baby and the clock is ticking. There are plenty of alternatives out there rather than just marrying someone to have a child. If you want to bring up a child in a loving and intact family, then you need to be in a solid place long before you ever start trying to have a kid together. Research shows that couples with newborns experience approximately a 60% reduction in satisfaction during that first year-- no surprise, when you are sleep deprived, your hormones are out of whack, and the demands of your time, money and energy have now quadrupled while leaving almost no time for the couple to just enjoy each other. 4. If you feel it is simply what is expected of you. Who cares what others "expect" of you? This is your life, and you are the only one that will be playing house with that other person every single day. Those that truly love you will want you to be happy, which means [...]
Has Your Partner Checked Out?
There is probably nothing more painful in life than mourning the loss of a special relationship. If at one point you thought you could share anything and everything with your partner, and that together you made a great team that shared the same level of commitment towards one another and vision for the future, it is a pretty shocking blow to later discover that this person actually hid a fair amount from you, was not quite so committed to working things out, and that actually as their plans for the future became clearer, they didn't include you at all. Unfortunately, this devastating discovery is actually quite common, but the problem is those who feel most blind sided by this twist of fate failed to pay attention to the signs... Most people's feelings don't change overnight, but rather they slowly start to keep things to themselves and ask for space. They spend less and less time with you, as they work through their feelings of discontent. While they are ill at ease, they have a tendency to get snarky and may snap at you for no reason. Simply put, they are unhappy and most likely blame you for their misery. And as this general malaise continues to grow, their behavior can become more desperate as their mind goes into flight or fight mode. At this point, commitment definitely gets tossed out the window-- for they are only concerned with ensuring their own survival, not yours. So let's talk about survival-- can you survive without your partner? The answer to this should be yes. You need to be able to take care of yourself, in other words cover your own basic needs such as housing, food, medical care, transportation and any debt that is your responsibility. It is critical that your survival is not dependent on your partner for this key reason: you should want to stay with your partner, but not need to. The beauty of being in a healthy relationship is that the choice to stay is not one driven by need. After someone has done a cost-benefit analysis and decided that they are better off leaving, there is NO POINT to try to convincing them otherwise. Your pleas will only fall on deaf ears, and more importantly, you should not have to beg someone to stay. If you see that they've checked out, you need to do the same. [...]
Do You Need To Change Your Deal?
Circumstances change, it's part of life-- especially when you have kids. This is why we always tell separated parents to be flexible, because inevitably at some point prior to the child attaining the age of majority, there is a good chance something will need to be re-negotiated. Here are the most common reasons parents need to request a change to their Parenting Plan or Custody Order: 1. Remarriage- there is at least a 60% chance that at least one parent will remarry after the divorce, and usually that involves a move and/or a desire to change the custody schedule. 2. Relocation- if a parent needs to leave the area, then the time-sharing arrangement with the child has to be modified to accommodate the new distance between the parents' two households. 3. Income- if one parent begins to earn significantly more, or there is a substantial decrease in income, including possibly a period of unemployment, then the parents may have to revisit the child support figures. 4. Expenses- if the expenses related to the child, including health care, education or after-care change then it may make sense to review the child support calculations. 5. Time-Sharing- if the agreed-to schedule isn't working out, then parents need to revise it in a way that promotes the child's best interest. 6. Decision Making- if the parents can't agree on major decisions, such as education or medical care, it may be necessary to review how they deal with an impasse. This may include the use of mediation or a parent coordinator to avoid court, or one parent may want to ask for final tie-breaking authority. With kids, separated parents need to be prepared to discuss changes as needed. Parenting Plans, which are private agreements between the parents, and Custody Orders, which are approved by judges, are not written in stone. Modifications are quite common in custody cases, especially in cases like the one involving Angelina and Brad Pitt's six children, which have a vast range in ages. Can anyone honestly expect that whatever judicial decision or deal is struck this year will remain the same for the next decade? Of course not, and the same holds true for all of us with minor children doing our best to co-parent with an ex. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.