Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Are You Drifting Apart From Your Partner?
We've all had moments where we seem to just instantly connect with someone-- there's good chemistry, witty banter, and lots of common interests. When you are both on your "A game," it is very easy to keep this going for quite a while. This is what we call the honeymoon phase, and the reason everyone says "enjoy it while it lasts" is because we all know that eventually, real life creeps in and abruptly interrupts your fairy tale romance. Now, remember this saying: you don't know what you don't know. It's not until you live under one roof and experience challenges together that you get to truly know someone. This is when your partner's problems unfortunately become your problems too. So maybe the stress trigger that brings out the worst in someone is the loss of his/her job, a sudden drop in his/her financial resources, a death or major illness in the family, or a child from a previous relationship that starts acting out. Perhaps you thought you were on the same page about the importance of saving or how much to spend, but that theory isn't playing out well in actual practice. Or sadly, there are plenty of occasions when a person only discovers after the exchange of vows that the other individual failed to disclose an illness, addiction, or other ugly secret that completely changes how one would view that person's suitability as a life partner. Whatever the case may be, when you suddenly realize that the person you are with isn't the person you thought you knew, it seriously bites. (See last year's blog about being sold a bag of goods.) Initially, you might feel stupid. You will rewind the tape a thousand times in your head to see if there is a scene you missed that should have clued you in to what was coming. Did you dig your head in the sand like an ostrich, or were you truly blind-sided? In the end, what does it matter? The point is there is now a stranger in your bed. If you are a conflict avoider, maybe you will suffer in silence for a while and not say much, but really how long can that last? MONEY Try as you might to live separate lives, household expenses require a workable budget. If your partner's spending is out of control, you are eventually going to have to say [...]
Are You Ready To De-clutter Emotionally?
23 years ago, I graduated from college with nothing but debt, and blind faith I suppose that as time went on I would be able to dig myself out of the red while pursing a fulfilling legal career. Admittedly, there was not a lot of opportunity for self-reflection those first 15 years after graduation-- the pressures of law school and then work, coupled with the demands of marriage and parenting left little time for much else. These were whirlwind years, which for many of us GenXers were really all about survival. But now that our children are older, and our careers are much more established, I find a lot of us in our 40's are trying to find ways to simplify our lives and carve out more time for ourselves, to pursue those things that really make us happy. It truly is a great place to be when you finally feel like you have checked off all the boxes you were supposed to tick off by now, so how about taking a second to step off the treadmill, catch your breath, and maybe give yourself a little credit? Appreciate just how far you've come up until now. Hopefully, you are past the point of comparing yourself to others to measure success, and instead you have learned to define it for yourself. By now you should also find that you rarely care about what others say or think, and the more you break away from everyone's expectations, the more you are able to search for a deeper purpose that fulfills you. Why is this happening to us at this point? Because as the years have passed and allowed us to take care of our basic needs, we have gained greater confidence, independence, and wisdom to facilitate the pursuit of self-actualization. To really move forward, however, we need to take a look back. As unpleasant as it may be, you have to do an inventory of your surroundings and purge wherever possible. There's no doubt you've acquired a lot over the last two decades, and now it's time to get rid of all the waste. Clear your life of all the dead weight and distractions that are taking away from your most precious resources: time, money and energy. Do not try to tackle everything at once-- it will be overwhelming. Instead, take it all in baby steps. Here's how I got [...]
If We Split, Will The Kids Be Okay?
The number one question all parents struggle with during a divorce is this: how will our split impact the kids? The short answer is that it all depends on how well the parents handle the whole situation. If you have two child-focused parents that are willing to put aside their anger and disappointment towards each other to work on a parenting plan that minimizes the losses to the kids, then most kids will be just fine. Does this sound too good to be true? Far from it, in fact research shows that less than a third of divorces fall into the category of an "angry divorce." According to most studies, and what I have observed as a divorce attorney the past 18 years, most divorcing parents either have a distant or cooperative relationship as co-parents. Obviously, the more you can cooperate the better, but a distant relationship isn't necessarily bad-- as long as they can agree on major issues such as health care, education, religion and a time-sharing schedule, there may not be a need for much interaction. The one thing you definitely don't want is a situation that exposes the kids to a lot of conflict. When I divorced a decade ago, after my husband and I grew apart, there wasn't a lot of anger, but rather as I recall it was mostly a sad realization that we no longer shared the same priorities or vision for our future. But the love we shared for our child made us work together to come up with a schedule that allowed us both to maintain a loving bond with our son, and we never have had a major disagreement on his medical care, education or religious upbringing. Does that mean we've always had a "cooperative relationship" or seen eye to eye on everything? Absolutely not. It's totally normal for parents to disagree on the food kids should eat, their weekly allowance, chores, discipline, or when their bedtime should be. Many parents, even in intact families, argue about the level of involvement a child should have with extra-curricular activities, attending private vs. public school, the need for tutors, the cost of summer camp, or how much a parent should assist with homework. With a lot of these things, sometimes you just have to agree to disagree, and so most of us come to accept that there will be two sets of rules, [...]
When Calling It Quits, How Will You Play Your Hand?
With the holidays behind us, many couples will come to the conclusion this month that it's time to call it quits. It's never an easy call to make, but you know it's the right thing to do when the tension at home is simply unbearable, and the weight of all the anger or sadness you are carrying inside feels like barbells tied to your feet that are making you sink deeper and deeper into a sea of despair while all hope of things improving this year gets sucked away along with the oxygen you so desperately need to survive. When staying together is no longer an option, my first tip would be to go seek professional advice from a counselor because the hardest job you will face this year is dealing with all the emotions and transitions that are normally part of any divorce. It is normal to grieve the loss of your dream of a happily ever after with your spouse, and no one will blame you for feeling angry that you may now have to radically change your life, including where you live and how often you see your kids. Divorce sucks, and unlike those that experience the loss of a spouse through a death, there is no generous life insurance check coming your way to ease your transition phase, and don't count on too many friends dropping by with baked goods, sending you flowers and/or gathering for a ceremony to help you gain closure. Nope, most likely you'll be hosting your own private pity party that drags on for about a year, during which time you need to find your own inner strength to lift your spirits, get you through all the tasks associated with unraveling your affairs with your estranged spouse, and move on to a life where you finally get to redefine yourself in your own way. Of course, to make your new single status official, there is a legal process you will need to deal with, and the more you separate the emotions from this process, the better off you will be. Remember, divorce court is not criminal court-- the family courts are not designed to punish someone because the marriage didn't work out. Instead, family cases are mostly viewed as partnerships that need to be dissolved in a fair and reasonable manner that promotes the best interest of the children. End of story. [...]
What’s Your NYE Resolution?
Finally, 2016 is almost over. It's certainly been a difficult year for many, and the biggest take-away for me is a very simple one: there is so much that is just outside of our direct control. As frustrating as that fact may be, the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you can focus on that which is within your control. With that in mind, here are 4 key areas in our lives that we can strive to improve upon in the new year: 1. Physical Health- How comfortable are you with your own body? If you want to lose weight or tone your muscles, change your workout or maybe even get some medical intervention to fix things you don't like about yourself, go do it! Focus on yourself for a bit, and don't feel guilty about it. The great thing about setting physical goals is that within a short period of time you can really start to see results, and this will boost your spirits greatly. The undisputed fact is the more positive your energy is, the faster you will recover from whatever heart break or disappointment comes your way. 2. Intellectual Stimulation- Are you bored at work or at home? Having a great mind is a gift you should not squander. We all suffer lulls either at home or at our jobs, but rather than allow your brain to just atrophy find something new to learn and challenge yourself. Learn a new language online or in a classroom, sign up for continuing education courses that will either help you advance in your career or maybe assist you with changing jobs. Or maybe it would be fun to teach? Volunteering to teach kids is a great way to give back and connect with your community, and the questions they ask are so insightful. 3.Emotional Intelligence- I've met a lot of brilliant people with the emotional IQ of a pea. Seriously, there is not a single person I know that can claim to have mastered emotional intelligence, and that is because it is a work in progress, and we are all constantly learning as we react to different environments, experiences and life challenges. If you truly want to improve your relationships with others, there are tons of great life coaches for one-on one sessions, seminars for those seeking a group setting, or there is always the library (or internet) full [...]
Will Your Christmas Be Merry And Bright?
There is a Buddhist saying, "no expectations, no disappointments." If you embrace this motto for the holidays, and just focus your energy on relaxing and enjoying time with family and friends, then you actually stand a great chance of having a merry and bright Christmas. I'll admit that it took me a long time to appreciate the wisdom in having zero expectations, but something I did take to heart a long time ago was my godfather's advice when he said, "we are 80% responsible for our own happiness, and only 20% is dependent on external factors." While we can certainly argue about the actual percentages, the real point is beautifully simple: don't let outside factors (including people) play such a huge role in your ability to have a good time. Although we cannot control what others say or do, how we respond is totally within our control. Over the next few days, find your happy place by thinking about all the good things that happened this year, and if you are struggling with that, well then hit up other people around you for some good stories that will lift your spirits. Whenever you need a break for all the togetherness, just politely excuse yourself from all the commotion and be ready to entertain yourself either by baking cookies, going for a walk or run while listening to a mix of your favorite songs, or just queue up some movies and download a good book to read. Limit your exposure to any negative energy, and recharge by filling your heart with all the love you can. The past few years, after I found my dad and reconciled with my mom (who thankfully has come to accept that I need him in my life), I have really have shifted away from whatever gifts we may find under the tree, and instead am more focused on creating experiences that my son and I can share with my family. Hopefully, you too can just appreciate some quality time you with those you love, and if there's something you really want and no one gets it for you this year, just go online afterwards and get it yourself. Remember, it is completely up to you to have a merry and bright time this Christmas. Make the most of the time you have with others, for that is actually the most limited commodity, and it's the best [...]
Are You Struggling With Motherhood?
Motherhood is an amazing and transformative experience that inevitably causes you to re-think your priorities, relationships, and definition of success. As part of that process, many of us that graduated college 20 years ago or more, have struggled with balancing our child's needs with our own career objectives. Most of my friends have continued to be high-achievers at work, while some have scaled back, and others simply opted out of the workforce after having a second or third child until their kids were in full-time school. There is no easy choice, but you hopefully pick the one that works best for you and your family. There are a series of articles that recently were printed in the Atlantic about this subject. Here is the link to one: https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/12/having-it-all/488636/
What Are You Giving Others This Holiday Season?
There are now just 10 days until Christmas, and if you are a planner like me, then all your cards have been mailed, and the gifts have already been shipped or wrapped and waiting for you to hand-deliver them to loved ones. If instead you are more of a last minute type, well hopefully you will get it together within the next week. But either way, I hope you find some time to do something for someone outside your immediate circle. Plenty of organizations with noble causes desperately need donations-- either of funds, specific items, such as canned foods or toys, or your time. In the DC Area, we have a number of great local causes that need volunteers, some of which were recently featured in Bethesda Magazine's last issue. During the 2 years that I hosted "Making It Last" on MMCTV, I tried to feature at least one non-profit each month that was doing something to help families in our area. One of my favorites was Junior Achievement, which relies on volunteers to teach financial literacy to students in grades 3-12. Earlier this year, through this organization, I taught once a week for 5 weeks at my son's school and loved it. (www.juniorachievement.org) The last four years, there is another organization that I've enjoyed helping: The Storybook Project. Each month, attorney volunteers in Maryland go to prison and record mother’s reading stories to their children. The recordings are then mailed, together with the children's book, to the children so they can hear their mother's voices and maintain that connection. Unfortunately, many children lack the ability to visit on a regular basis, so for the holidays the prison puts together a special party each December. The mess hall is decorated for the holidays, and Santa shows up and takes pictures with kids a Christmas tree. Each child gets both a present and a book, and they can get their faces painted, decorate cookies, do arts and crafts, or just eat and enjoy some music while enjoying time with their mothers. It might seem strange that during the holidays in particular I would enjoy going to prison, where we are stripped of our phones and all jewelry, and subjected to being frisked and monitored by camera every step of the way. But the fact is I find that this humbling experience helps me put things in perspective. No matter what trials [...]
Why Do The Holidays Create A Perfect Storm?
As a child, I loved when the holiday season approached-- starting in November, New York City would transform into a spectacular place with all the streets adorned with wreaths, lights, and beautiful bows. Walking along Fifth Avenue with my mom, I was mesmerized by the store displays, which were almost magical, and the tree at Rockefeller Center was truly a sight to behold with all the ice skaters gracefully whizzing around below while the sweet smell of roasted nuts filled the air. These are the memories I cherish from the holidays during my first two decades here on Earth. As an adult, however, things became a bit more complicated, and over the years I've come to realize that I am definitely not alone, as families everywhere grapple with these three key questions: 1. Where will we be for the holidays? 2. Who will we be with? 3. How much will we spend? If you are all on the same page with the answers to these three questions, consider yourself incredibly fortunate. Unfortunately, many are not-- and for some couples, it is the perfect storm that can force them to face some divisive issues, which ultimately may cause them to part ways. If this doesn't make any sense, let me explain. Where to spend the holidays- Some people do not get much time off work or from school during the year, so the holidays is the perfect time to travel. But not everyone likes to travel, and then there are those that want to use that time to explore sights unseen whereas others just want to travel to see their families. So here we have a very simple and completely understandable conflict of interest, but not everyone is able to handle conflict well, and many become entrenched in a battle of wills where no one is willing to concede or find a compromise. Who to see during the holidays- When you are in a committed relationship, sooner or later you will face the question of which family to visit. It will not always work to divide and conquer, so then when do you spend time with your partners' family vs. your own if it's not possible to accommodate everyone at once? Are you willing to alternate? This may not be so easy to answer when you really don't get along with the other person's family, or if travel costs are significant. [...]
Are You Re-Discovering Yourself?
We all make sacrifices when we are in a relationship in the interest of promoting greater harmony with our significant others. Maybe we don't spend as much time with our family or friends, or we give up on certain activities that don't appeal to our partners. Perhaps we let them do certain things for us because they enjoy doing it more, or we take on tasks that we don't necessarily like in order to spare them real grief. It's completely normal to modify certain inclinations we may have in order to preserve peace at home-- but what happens when you no longer have to hold back? When we exit a long-term relationship, we all go through an adjustment period. First there is a need to vent about the good, the bad and the ugly. Use this time to purge whatever will bring back bad memories and grieve the loss of all those opportunities that will now never come to pass. This is all a normal part of the recovery process. But then, if you can, resist the urge to run away from being alone. The key is this: don't equate solitude with loneliness. Try to enjoy some time alone, particularly after a harsh split and actually allow yourself to sit peacefully and hear yourself think. Feel your breath, and dig deep into your soul. Think back to your past, and try to identify what made you happy back then. What do you miss? Ask the deep questions and listen earnestly to the answers that can only come from within you. This is how you can re-discover lost parts of yourself that can inspire you to pursue those interests that bring you the most joy. The reality is the truer you are to yourself, the happier you will be-- regardless of who is by your side. So enjoy the calm (especially after a stormy break up), and pursue whatever makes you happy. Go on that trip you've been longing to take, redecorate your home your own way, experiment with new cooking recipes or sign up for that class you've been considering for some time-- just enjoy being yourself again. Awaken those parts of you that have laid dormant for some time, and allow yourself to truly come alive. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.