Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Is The Honeymoon Over?
Most love stories start the same way-- you meet someone you find interesting, you have fun with one another, and you fall in love as each person does kind things for the other one. You both show one another respect and build trust together. You share similar interests and engage in fun activities together. Everyone is on their best behavior as you meet each other's families and friends. You find it easy to talk, and you have no doubt that this person cares about you. You work as a team and make each other feel like a priority. This creates a high that doctors say is similar to a cocaine high, seriously. And during this drug-induced high is when most of us naively commit to marry "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death." But sooner or later, the honeymoon phase comes to an end, and real life hits. Maybe it is the birth of a child, or a family death, a health scare, financial crisis, abrupt career change, or a perfect storm of multiple factors that are all triggered at the same time, and all of the sudden you see a side to your partner that you never saw before. Now 50% of married couples may well be able to work through this, but meanwhile the other 50% soon discover that the very proper Dr. Jekyll they committed to love actually has a very dark Mr. Hyde character living inside. Rarely does someone fall out of love all at once, but rather it is an accumulation of scuffles that build a pyramid of resentment so that rather than constructing a bridge that connects our world with our lover’s, we unconsciously begin to lay the foundation for a concrete wall that will protect us from the infliction of further harm. It is easy to drift apart. We go our separate ways during the work week, and then maybe one or the other starts staying late at work or making plans to catch up with other friends. On weekends, maybe one goes to the gym or spa while the other goes to play golf or visit family. When you have kids, it is very easy to pour your heart and soul into them, and using them as a excuse to stay occupied you expend all your energy on them leaving nothing for your partner when the day is [...]
Did Your Ex Break Your Heart Or Your Wallet?
Broken hearts are easy to fix-- it may take time to heal, but with the support of family and friends, you will get there. This is not only my personal experience, but what I have professionally observed for over 18 years with all of my divorce clients. However, if your ex broke your wallet, well that is a lot more difficult to recover from unfortunately, especially the closer you are to retirement. Most couples have a house, their 401(k)s and some investments to split up when they are getting divorced. Usually, we can agree on a buy out, or reasonable time-frame for selling the home, and then we just do some basic trade-offs with the other assets taking into account the contributions each made to the family's well-being and acquisition of assets. This actually runs pretty smoothly in over 65% of the cases with reasonable attorneys and cooperative clients. But, then there are those with angry clients or "shark" type attorneys that go for scorched earth. These do not end well for anyone, let me explain why. Divorces that are fueled by anger and/or a desire for vengeance lead to very expensive court cases that involve discovery, including depositions, and retaining various experts to prove a variety of points. Clients (not the law firms) must finance these expenses either by using liquid investments available to them or by borrowing money, often from their 401(k)s, home equity lines, family, friends, personal lines of credit or credit cards. They keep begging for cash from any source they can tap into until the case is over-- at which point there may be very little left to divide because fighting over principal (like wanting to share custody of the kids) or to disprove someone's sense of entitlement (like an unreasonable request for "life time" alimony) often comes with a whopping legal bill in excess of $50,000 per side. Let's put this in perspective, over 50% of U.S. households do not have money in retirement or a rainy day fund. Furthermore, 81% of the U.S. households earn less than $100,000 per year. But do you think that divorce or custody disputes only impact the top 19% of our country's wage-earners? Obviously not-- family issues impact everyone, from every race, gender, sexual orientation, and socio-economic status. And when one spouse is trying to ruin the other, if the lawyers fail to be the voice of reason, [...]
Trump’s Immigration Proposals Hits Home in D.C.
President Donald Trump has promised a new immigration and travel ban executive order that the White House said should withstand the challenges the first ban could not. That the president has persisted in his stand on immigration has continued to cause anxiety for many undocumented — but productive — aliens. The owners of Ben’s Chili Bowl joined thousands of businesses nationwide on Feb. 16 to support the “Day Without Immigrants” demonstration in protest of the Trump administration’s stance on immigration. While some businesses closed, the owners of the landmark northwest D.C. eatery opened its doors for visitors to enjoy its classic dishes such as the “chili half-smoke.” “We are all immigrants,” said the Alis’ daughter-in-law, Vida Ali. “A day without immigrants is a day without Ben’s Chili Bowl.” Trump’s proposed ban has left those such as Regina DeMeo, a guest-teacher at George Washington University and Georgetown Law School, in a bind, seeking answers for those who’ve had difficulty securing citizenship. “Both my parents are immigrants,” DeMeo said. “My mother is from Ecuador and my dad is from Spain. They both came here over 50 years ago, and I was born here 44 years ago. “My parents were never together, and my mother worked hard for many years as a bookkeeper, sometimes working two jobs to make ends meet, while my grandmother stayed home and took care of me,” she said. “My father has lived his entire adult life in Miami, and he runs his own important company. He brings over food from Spain and distributes it to the local restaurants in Miami, often working very long hours and weekends.” Because both of her parents have thick accents, they have sometimes been disregarded, shunned, or been made to feel like they are not Americans, DeMeo said. “I never had this problem because I do not have an accent, and I had the benefit of scholarships to help me obtain the best education possible,” said DeMeo, who has been assisting D.C.-area families for 18 years with custody and divorce matters. “I am outraged at the travel ban and Trump’s actions. Even though I am a U.S. citizen, as are both my parents, it is heartbreaking to see what is going on. “I believe in this country, and our legal system, and therefore I do have faith that this will all be made right,” she said. “I am also really inspired by [...]
Are Your Kids’ Clothes Disappearing Into a Black Hole?
I know for some of you this is going to sound petty, but for a bunch of you single parents it may come as a bit of comedic relief to read this and realize you are not alone. Divorced parents fight about clothes a lot-- it just never gets to the point that anyone raises this issue to a judge, mainly because let's face it the price of going to court could buy your child's clothes for about a decade. So, what are you supposed to do when you buy your child nice things and never see them again because they have disappeared into the black hole that apparently exists at your ex's house? Well, for one you should call that person out on it. When I see that a week's worth of jeans that fit have been replaced at my house with a week's worth of jeans that are too small, I call my ex out on that bullshit. Same goes for socks, underwear and t-shirts that are two sizes too small. Does it sound trivial? Not when you calculate that a week's worth of clothes may be about $425. When you share custody, it generally means that you should share the responsibility for buying clothes for your kids at your respective places. Shifting that burden onto your ex is not cool. And if the grandparents are buying your kids nice things, you have an extra responsibility for making sure they get to see their grandchildren wearing those gifts. I know it sounds weird, but you may want to mark the clothes on the inside tag, and ask for special items to be returned. Now, asking kids to track their clothes sucks. They are not the ones who chose to live in two homes, so as best you can, keep them out of this type of squabble. Just nicely send an email/text reminding your ex to pack a bag for the next exchange, and if that person refuses, offer to start doing all the clothes shopping as long as s/he reimburses you for half, and if that doesn't work well maybe you implement self-help measures to reimburse yourself (as long as you aren't violating a court order or agreement.) That should quickly put an end to this ridiculous game of shifting responsibility. If you feel like you are ready to blow your stack, reach out and talk to [...]
Marriage- What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Love does not conquer all, I'm sorry to say. Every single one of my divorce clients started out in love when they first said their vows. But staying in sync with your partner is not easy, especially over the years as you weather life's storms that often include illness, financial loss, family drama, career setbacks, or quite simply a change of heart as to your priorities. Marriage is about commitment-- and it takes two individuals fully invested in making their partnership work, willing to compromise, to see things from the other person's perspective, to continually show empathy and respect to one another, even in times of conflict. I am often asked what I believe is the #1 reason people divorce, and for the past few years I've consistently provided the same answer: Narcissism. If one person is hell-bent on doing whatever s/he wishes, regardless of what the other person may think or feel, then there is no way that marriage will survive. Tina Turner said it best with these lyrics: What's love got to do, got to do with it What's love but a second hand emotion What's love got to do, got to do with it Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? There is only so much heart break that a person can withstand. When day in, day out your partner chooses to make work or others a priority, or resorts to alcohol, drugs, sex with others, porn, inappropriate emotional connections over your objections, or engages in financial infidelity, maybe even all of the above, you eventually have to find a way to walk away in order to survive. As Tracy Schorn's book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" suggests, you need to take back your power. Stop thinking you can change a person and control everything. The second you accept that the only thing you can control is your own behavior, you will start to tap into an inner strength that will blow you (and others) away. Love will not conquer all, but your attitude can. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
In Honor Of No Immigrants Day
I had court today, so I could not just take the day off, but if you saw me reading the Express on the Metro when it showed that Jose Andres (who is from my father's country) was closing some of his restaurants in the area today, you would have seen the biggest grin on my face-- it went from ear to ear. After court, as I ran some errands, I walked by a McDonald's that was closed today. I was so proud, and stopped to take a picture so I could share it on social media. In the few minutes that I was there doing this, several people came up to me utterly confused, and they asked me "why is McDonald's closed-- I have never seen this." I politely explained to everyone that asked that today was No Immigrants Day, and that many restaurants were either closed or working short-staffed while immigrants basically stayed home in order to raise awareness of how much we need them. It dawned on me that I should call my father, who imports food from Spain and distributes it to the local restaurants in Miami, which is where he has lived the last 50 years. When I asked him if he went to work today, he responded, "of course, why?" I then explained to him that not only was his idol Jose Andres closing down today, but that even McDonald's was shut down-- and I sent him pictures as proof. Of course, I understand that not everyone could stay home in protest of the discrimination immigrants have been facing for years, I was included in that category of workers that had to appear-- unless I wanted to face disbarment. But in whatever way you can, I do hope you make an effort to acknowledge today that this country cannot function without immigrants. For me, it is the use of social media and this blog. Let me be clear, this is a very personal issue to me. Both my parents are immigrants, who came here for a better life in the 60's. They both worked very hard, and they were often mocked for their thick accents. Neither one was able to complete college or land a glamorous job, but to me they are both success stories. They have always done their best, never resorting to drugs or winding up in prison for trying to steal or [...]
Can You Reclaim Valentine’s Day As Your Own?
Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and chances are that if you're single, you may be dreading this Hallmark holiday-- but what if you could reclaim this day as your own? The reality is that about 20% of the U.S. population will never marry, and of the 80% that do half will get divorced. Among the 40% that remain married, it is believed that only half of those are happily married, which means you actually only have a 20% chance of living in marital bliss. I don't know about you, but I think those odds suck. More importantly, these numbers emphasize the importance of finding your own happiness. So how does this relate to V-Day? Well, after my divorce a decade ago, I threw an anti-Valentine's Day party, which included a heart-shaped princess piñata that all my single friends enjoyed bashing while we sipped on wine and shared our dating horror stories. No doubt it was a fun evening, but I believe that unleashed some really bad karma that led to a disastrous year of dating for me. As a result, the following year, and each year thereafter, I decided to reclaim Valentine's Day as my own holiday of love-- not romantic love, which I already explained has about a 20% chance of succeeding, but love in a much broader sense-- love of family, love of friends, and also love of yourself. Each Valentine's Day I send greetings of love to all my family and friends. I make a special meal with my son, and I treat myself to flowers, chocolates, and a mani/pedi. Whatever it takes, I make sure it is a fun day, and guess what? I have never let myself down, precisely because I'm not counting on anyone else to make the day special. Ultimately, what I have learned by reclaiming V-Day, is that only from within will you find the key to happiness. Hopefully, you too can reclaim this upcoming day meant to celebrate love. By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
Reflections After The Women’s March
Title IX was passed in 1972, the year that I was born. A year later, Roe v. Wade lifted the ban on abortions in the U.S. 3 years later, Nadia Comaneci scored the first perfect 10 at the Olympics in the history of gymnastics and captured the hearts of fans around the world. Then, in 1981 Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female Supreme Court Justice. It is no wonder then, that I, along with all my female peers, grew up believing we can do anything we want to do, and be anything we want to be. After I graduated college, I took a year off before law school and worked as a paralegal at White & Case in New York. Then, I returned to DC to pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer, where I found my class was about 50% men, 50% women. This fit with my belief that we are all equals-- but what I did not realize at the time, and only learned much, much later is that by the time it comes to becoming a partner at a firm, less than 16% will be women, and less than 5% will be minorities. Right before I graduated law school in 1998, I was clerking at a firm in downtown DC. The senior partner called me into his office because he had heard that I was getting married. What he said has stuck with me to this day (almost 19 years later). He wanted to congratulate me on my upcoming nuptials, and then he said, "now you can focus on your family, and forget about this whole career in law." Not only did I ignore his advice, but I did the complete opposite for 6 years and delayed having a family until my career was more established. In 2002, while I was working as an associate at another law firm in DC, the managing partner called me in for a memorable meeting-- it was supposed to be my annual review. As I expected, we talked about my work and compensation, but then as I was leaving he decided to make one last comment that has continued to haunt me the last 15 years-- he said, "you know, one of your greatest assets is your ass." I highly doubt that was ever said to a man in his review. Many years later, as a [...]
Do You Need Some Ideas For A Romantic Getaway?
Whether you have been married for over a decade, or only been dating a few months, it is important to carve out some time for a romantic getaway, and you don't need to spend a fortune. If you want to wait for a last-minute deal, there are plenty of those available, or if you are more of a planner, you can take your time shopping around for a cheap flight and/or hotel deal. Either way, you don't even need to spend a full week away, just take a few days to get a change of scenery, part from the usual weekly routine, and enjoy some quality time on an adventure with your significant other. For those of you in need of some ideas, here are some of my favorites right along the East Coast: New York City- For those of us that live in DC, this is an easy 4 hour drive or train ride. All you might need is 48 hours to catch a show, enjoy a great meal, wander around some museums, galleries or shops throughout the city, and just take in all the energy around you. There really is no other place like this, and I'm not just saying that because I am originally from this lively city. New England- Boston is a fun city, full of history, but for those that want to connect more with nature, there is so much in the surrounding areas. Among the many gems there is Acadia National Park in Maine for those that like to hike, or the lakes in New Hampshire are spectacular throughout the summer. If you wait until the fall, the Indian Summer in New England is truly spectacular. Pennsylvania- In the winter, there are several places to go skiing in PA, and when the weather is a bit warmer, you can go to Gettysburg for a little history or Falling Waters to marvel at the architecture, with the Nemacolin Resort right around the corner. If you want to enjoy an amusement park, Hershey Park is across the street from The Hershey Hotel, which is also very nice resort. DC Area- This has been my hometown as an adult for over 24 years, and aside from the great restaurants, shops and museums in the city, there is so much to explore in the surrounding states of Maryland and Virginia. There are tons of hiking trails, places to [...]
What Is Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity is not a legal ground for divorce anywhere that I'm aware of, but just because it may not be illegal doesn't make it right. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do it. Let me give you some examples of what financial infidelity looks like: Scenario 1 You and your spouse have agreed not to incur any expense over $300 without consulting each other. But then someone turns around and racks up thousands in credit card debt, decides to buy a new car, promises to pay for grad school for an adult child from a previous relationship, or decides s/he needs to take a break and goes on an expensive trip without the other party. Did this person breach a legal contract? No, but he certainly demonstrated a complete disregard for the commitment he made to his spouse, who is now left with a major dilemma: how many of these reckless decisions should I continue to weather before I need to pull the plug? Scenario 2 As a couple, you discuss the importance of paying down debt and saving for a rainy day fund while you each maintain your separate accounts. You each pay the agreed to amount into your joint account for joint expenses, so you assume each is doing his/her part properly budgeting what remains in a separate account. Then the rainy day comes-- maybe it's a whopping hospital or tax bill that was unexpected, and now your spouse admits she has nothing to pay off that debt and asks you to take care of it. Now you are faced with a no-win situation: you either feel like a jerk if you don't help out your spouse, or you feel like a fool if you do bail her out and give her a free pass. Why should anyone be made to suffer as a result of another person's irresponsible decisions, especially if this is not a one-time fluke, but rather becomes an evident pattern of behavior? Scenario 3 You and your partner do not agree on the importance of maintaining a balanced budget and saving, so as a result one or both of you starts hiding certain bills and/or funneling money into a secret account. This is so much easier to do now with online banking and the ability to opt for electronic statements that your spouse will never see. When you [...]