Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Why The Growing Lack of Civility?
At the risk of sounding old school and not very hip, I really am concerned about my fellow GenXers and those that are trailing us, for many reasons but at the top of my list is an increasing lack of civility. Just look at how people have been treated on airplanes the last few weeks if you have any doubt that there is serious reason for concern. Here are 3 of the main factors that I see leading to this seriously unhealthy social behavior: 1. Lack of sharing- When I was growing up, I had to share one landline telephone at home, one tv, and one bathroom. Even when I went off to a posh boarding school, I still had to share these things with others, and as a result I was very mindful of other's need to use these same resources, and I had to learn to compromise early on, which requires developing good communication skills-- both expressing your needs and listening to others. But now, everyone has their own smartphone and no one compromises on what to watch or listen to for entertainment, and as a result we are all practicing less and less the art of compromise and communication. 2. Instant Gratification- Technology has advanced to such a point that information really is instant. No one waits for the mail or newspaper delivery anymore, in fact, most don't even bother with full sentences to communicate ideas or desires. It's all about sending immediate messages, emojis or images that are supposed to convey all our thoughts. If someone breaks up with you or bails on plans at the last minute, no problem just hop on a dating app or social media and find the next party with just one swipe without even giving yourself a nano-second to process any feelings of disappointment or loss. God forbid you should take a precious second to feel some pain or discomfort as part of the normal human condition. 3. No effort needed- At first glance, we can all appreciate the time-saving products invented to reduce our work load-- including the dishwasher, microwave, washer, dryer, pre-packaged food, etc. But what are we doing with all that extra time? Are you (a) making an effort to help others around you (like a child, elderly parent or neighbor), (b) working out more to stay healthy, or (c) at least expanding your knowledge by tapping [...]
How Well Can You Manage The Chaos Around You?
Life is unpredictable, and for some that is a beautiful thing, but for others it's a very scary reality. Those in the former category take it as an adventure and find the challenging twists and turns exciting or intriguing, whereas those in the latter category prefer to retreat into a safe corner and try to cocoon. Between these two extreme positions, there's obviously a lot of room for varying degrees of tolerance for chaos-- the real question is where do you fit in this spectrum? As a divorce lawyer, I am surrounded by chaos everyday, so my job is essentially all about crisis management. How does anyone "manage" a crisis? By prioritizing, fast. The focus is on finding a solution, not pointing blame. You have to distinguish between needs and wants, as well as what's realistic vs. pie in the sky. Also, timing is everything-- being impulsive and reactive rarely plays out well. Meanwhile, indecision is never good-- it just means choices will be made with or without your input because that's just how life rolls. In an ideal world, if a couple had the honesty and integrity to admit to each other that their relationship was in need of help, they would immediately seek counseling. When they come to see me, it's not that counseling has "failed" but rather that the outcome of their sessions was the realization that they are better off parting ways. Accepting that fact, should then help everyone get on the same page with focusing on some key immediate questions: When should we separate? Who should leave the home? What expenses do we each pay going forward? How will we share the kids/pets? Still thinking in terms of an ideal situation, many couples can either work this out quickly or soon realize they need professional help, and either they go see a mediator together or get independent advice from their lawyers, who can take over the negotiations. Even here, odds are in their favor that we can minimize the downside to a separation or divorce by containing the situation as best we can. Then there is the opposite of this ideal timeline, where there is either no attempt at counseling or somehow despite that effort, one or both individuals are not able to admit that cutting ties is what is best for them. So instead, there is a lot of insecurity, escalating tension, anger, [...]
How Much Are You Willing To Put Up With?
It's not easy to share space with someone, even those you love. We all have different ways of doing things-- our own habits, preferences and daily routines. For example, some of us cannot stand seeing a mess, while others absolutely don't care if they live in squalor. Some of us need absolute peace and quiet at times, while others need constant background noise. Some of us cannot stand the sight of junk food or soda, while others couldn't care less about the nutritional value of what they consume. Now, as kids, we have no choice but to put up with our parents or college roommates and some of their disturbing habits, but as we get older and are able to assert our independence, most of us will start to become pickier about the company we keep. Here are some other factors that play into why dating in your 20's is completely different than dating in your in your 30's and older: 1. Money- In our 20's, most of us are just finishing up our education and launching our careers. We may have a lot of dreams, but at this point in time we are mostly in the process of laying the foundation for pursuing our life goals. Most don't have kids or much money, so there isn't a lot of financial baggage at this time since very few have been through a divorce or gotten hit with support obligations, such as alimony or child support. After age 35, however, you start to run into a lot of people with kids in the dating scene, and if there are child support/alimony obligations as a result of a divorce, this can really complicate the availability of money in your relationship. You also start to see a stark contrast between those that have done a great job investing and saving for a rainy day, while others have unfortunately amassed a ton of debt, and are a financial mess, which is never sexy. 2. Health- In your 20's, most of us are still in really good shape. Our metabolisms have not slowed down, we haven't had kids yet, and so in the dating scene it's like being a kid in a candy store with lots of great eye candy. Unfortunately, in your 30's most of us notice our metabolisms start to slow down. It takes more effort to stay fit, especially for women that at [...]
Are You Ready For Spring Cleaning?
After a few months of winter hibernation, I think most of us look forward to the arrival of spring. In DC, we are surrounded by beautiful blooms, including the famous cherry blossoms, and now we see many more people out and about along the hiking trails or dining outdoors, while enjoying the milder climates. And with each spring, there's always the added joy of celebrating Easter and/or Passover with family and friends. But for some of us, there is the added bonus of taking the opportunity to do some spring cleaning. Here are just a few suggestions for those seeking guidance on this front: Finances- Despite the annoyance of gathering documents and filing our taxes by mid-April, the upside is that it is the perfect time to organize our financial lives. Shred old documents that are no longer needed, and meanwhile create a system for finding the key information you do need, especially pertaining to your income, assets and liabilities. Take the time to reflect on your obligations, and whether you are working with a balanced budget. Are there financial goals you would like to meet? Develop a plan for reaching those goals and ridding yourself of debt. Personal items- Now is the time to purge the winter clothes you either did not use at all or know you won't use again. Only store the items you really want, and then as you pull out the spring clothes go through the same analysis: will I really use this or is it time to retire this outfit? Make yourself finish this purge process before you reward yourself with anything new, and encourage other members of your household to do the same. Digital files- Like it or not, we all are leaving digital fingerprints these days. Try to clean out old files and photos stored not just on your computer, but out there on the cloud. While you're at it, make sure you are not still connected to people you don't want as contacts in your social media accounts. Finally, consider going through your credit reports and making sure the data they have is correct. Relationships- I don't mean to be harsh, but we're now over 100 days into the new year. It is time to get rid of dead weight-- seriously, set limits on those around you that are dragging you down. There are unfortunately some incredibly needy and/or selfish people [...]
What Getting a Divorce Was Like Every Decade Since the 1900s
From couples scheming and lying to judges so that they'll agree to terminate a marriage to more amicable separations involving mediators, here's a glimpse of divorce through the years. Read the Full Article in Redbook
Are You Wondering “Why Me?”
Every week I meet someone who asks, "why me?" as we sit and discuss their break up. Let me tell you that after 18 years, sometimes the answer is quite obvious, and I have to sit and bite my tongue while I re-direct their attention to the legal issues that I need to address as their lawyer. But other times, it's not so obvious, and so I probe further so I can get a better understanding of the overall picture. There's actually a checklist in my head of questions, which goes something like this: Did something happen to damage the trust in your relationship? Are there certain behaviors that concern you about your spouse? Do you have different goals/visions for the future? Have you lost respect? Why? When did you stop being intimate? What is the source of conflict at home? Have you tried to discuss your issues, and what's been the response? Sometimes, the problem is just a difference in parenting or life style choices. But, the more I do this, the less shocked I become by the crazy actions people engage in every day that ultimately destroy a once promising partnership, including the usual complaints about infidelity, addiction to alcohol, porn, or drugs, getting an STD from a spouse, gambling, domestic violence, financial infidelity, or undisclosed mental health/high conflict personality issues. Unfortunately, when you are the victim of any of these actions, it is easy to sit and dwell on the question, "why me?" But none of this is about you-- this is actually all about the other person who has a serious issue, and once you are out of the situation, you need to move on with your own life. Bad things happen to good people every day I'm sorry to say-- otherwise most of us in the service industry, including doctors, nurses, lawyers, CPAs, mechanics, plumbers, handymen, insurance adjusters, or tow truck drivers (just to name a few) would be out of a job. But more often than not, I see really good things happen to good people while sooner or later really bad things happen to bad people because ultimately, we all reap what we sow, and the fact is for some, karma is going to be a bitch. Only you can control your thoughts and actions. I suggest you stop wasting your time asking "why me," and instead start wondering the real important [...]
Are You Getting Things Done, Your Way?
Let's face it- divorce sucks, even when you do it my way: privately, quietly and quickly. To start life over again, flying solo, is not what most of us had planned to do in our 30's, 40's or beyond... but so what? Life rarely plays out exactly how we expected it to, and over half of us, either because of death or divorce, will have to learn as adults to redefine what it means to live happily ever after. Everyone suffers setbacks-- even the rich and beautiful. No one is immune to disease, death or heartbreak. But none of the people I have ever met in the 18 years I have been handling divorces allow themselves to be defined by these setbacks. Not that it is easy for any of us to overcome hardships, but what is the alternative? When I graduated law school 18 years ago, I thought I would have 2 kids with my husband, work at a firm, and have a "normal" life until I retired. I had no intention of becoming a prolific writer and media commentator as a result of my own divorce. My plan was not to raise a child mostly by myself while managing my own law firm. Nor did I envision finding my father at 38, and discovering a wonderful new family for my son. Let's be honest, there is nothing normal about what has happened to me this past decade, and yet I feel fortunate to say there's only a few regrets, and mostly like Frank Sinatra said, I'm glad I got to do it "my way." For those of you that are not familiar with the lyrics of "My Way" below is the link to one of my all-time favorite classics, and here's hoping it inspires you too to persevere, and do things your way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E2hYDIFDIU
What Happened To Collaborative?
Litigation is the opposite of collaborative-- we do not exchange information voluntarily or have 4-way meetings while breaking bread together and engaging in open discussions focused on reaching a settlement. When we are in a court process, there are multiple rules and deadlines, formal questions or requests are made, and statements are taken under oath. A lot depends on strategy, and quite a bit also depends on sheer luck-- like the judge you draw on the day of your trial, or how well your witness presents on the stand. The pressures of litigation are immense, precisely because it is a very unforgiving process involving high stakes. Documents that are not properly authenticated or questions that are not properly asked, will be disregarded. Remedies that are not made in initial pleadings may not be addressed, and statements made by others that might seem relevant will nonetheless be deemed inadmissible unless you have that person there to testify. And while all these battles are playing out in an open courtroom, you know that it is all being recorded to document every mis-step, just in case anyone wants to appeal to a higher court later. So, when you think about the emotional and financial cost of litigation, it is easy to see why most families actually choose to settle their differences rather than take their chances at trial. In fact, most of my clients opt for mediation or a Collaborative Divorce to avoid an ugly, very public bloodbath. But, not all of them have a choice-- not when one party is making extraordinary or unreasonable demands. And, when I cannot waive my magic wand to help bridge the gap between a dueling couple, I am left with no choice but to fight the good fight, the old school gladiator way. This has now happened six times in the past 12 months, which has left many of my colleagues asking me the same question every time they see me in court, "what happened to Collaborative?" Collaborative is a great alternative dispute resolution technique, but it is not for everyone-- in fact, not for most. You need two people willing to trust the process, and their attorneys. Both parties have to be committed to avoiding court and working on a fair resolution for the family. Does it sound too good to be true? Sure, and yet I have on average had at least one [...]
Are You Worried About Parental Alienation?
All separated parents probably have some pretty unflattering things to say about each other, which is why they are no longer together. But, good parents try their best to filter their thoughts so that at least in front of the children they are not broadcasting those negative opinions. Parents that fail to do so, then fall into two categories: those that knowingly denigrate the other parent, and those that unknowingly do so. Regardless of one's intent, however, when someone makes disparaging remarks about a child's parent they have to realize that the person that really is being harmed is the child, not that other parent. It takes two people to create a child, and like it or not, that child will most likely identify with bits and parts of both her creators. Putting down someone's parent is essentially a critique of a child's origin, and psychologically it is not easy for anyone-- child or adult-- to handle that well. Is it easy to keep your mouth shut? Of course not, but take solace in knowing that at a certain age, the child will figure things out on his own. Sooner or later, he will realize who is the one that goes to all the school meetings and doctors appointments; he will see who buys most of his clothes and pays for his haircuts. The goodwill you build by hosting all those playdates, planning fun birthdays, and taking him on great trips will accumulate over the years to prove the dedication you have to your child's overall well-being. Let this be your record, it will speak for itself. For those that feel they are wrongly being maligned, I know first-hand that it is not easy to hear your child repeat an alternate version of reality. But all you can really say is that each person is entitled to his/her own view of a situation. If it is really bad, you should try and get your child into counseling. And if it is truly unbearable, there is always court as a last resort. Unfortunately, proving parental alienation is not easy, and then it still begs the question as to what a court should do about it? In extreme circumstances, some courts have given custody to the non-alienating parent and ordered extensive therapy for the child. But how can therapy ever fully heal the huge void a child will inevitably feel if we [...]
Are You Paying It Forward?
Sometimes, you just can't pay back an act of kindness. For example, a stranger pays you a compliment and then gets off the elevator, someone anonymously donates to your cause, or a passerby sets you in the right direction, and then disappears. What do you do when that happens? Some of you move on and consider yourself lucky that day, while others feel a tremendous obligation to pay the kindness forward almost as a way to acknowledge that there is a greater force at play here. Those of you that are more spiritual and mindful know exactly what I am talking about when I say that upon receipt of an act of kindness there is not just joy, but an immense sense of responsibility to pay it forward. Some of us have consciously made this part of our daily life, and in doing so have come to understand that the best gifts in life actually are not tangible. You cannot see them, but rather you can feel them deeply: love, happiness and inner peace. To truly appreciate the gifts that life has to offer, however, you have to step out of the rat-race mentality, and you cannot try to just isolate yourself in a little island. You have to get out there and connect with others-- and I mean really get out there and see other parts of the world. Test your comfort zone, put yourself at the mercy of others, experience a little humility and let the universe provide you with the right answers. Recently, I stumbled upon the Kindness Diaries, which is a documentary series on Netflix. This guy, Leon Logothetis, actually travels around the world relying on the kindness of strangers-- to feed him, provide lodging and even pay for his gas! It is an unbelievable story, and one that brought tears to my eyes, as it reminded me of the beauty we can encounter in this world. Not all of us have the luxury of taking such an extended vacation, but as much as you can, whenever you can, considering testing new boundaries in your journeys, and in the meantime, just do a social experiment at home by trying to commit one small act of kindness a day. Positive energy is all around us, you just need to tap into it. By Regina A. DeMeo