Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Can You Spot The Different Types of Abuse?
Every week I encounter someone trying to escape an abusive relationship. Unfortunately in law school I was only taught to identify two clear types of abuse: physical or sexual abuse, both of which are clearly defined and easily identified as acts involving unwanted touching. But the fact is I rarely encounter those in my divorce cases, and the far more prevalent forms of abuse are (i) emotional or mental; (ii) financial or (iii) digital. Unlike physical and sexual abuse, which are easy to spot, I'm afraid the other three are not, especially because they don't leave physical scars or occur overnight. So how does it happen? Well, first you have to understand that the abusers start out as masterful charmers that shower their victims with attention and affection in the beginning. It doesn't register on your radar that they are implementing sick manipulation tactics designed to gain power and control over you because at first their actions seem to be based on a genuine desire to care for you and protect you. In the interest of looking out for you, they start to screen your friends and family, who ask too much of you and don't deserve you; they monitor all your moves--when you are at work, when you get home, where you go out; and eventually once they have inserted themselves into your life, they take over the "burden" of managing your money. Ever so slowly, they build up their power, making the other person increasingly dependent on them, and once they feel securely in control that is when you start to see their true colors. Emotional abuse can be overt such as when someone puts down your intelligence or appearance or routinely assigns negative motives to all your actions, such as claims that you are selfish or lack generosity. But other abusers don't necessarily lash out in such blatant ways. In fact, one incredibly painful tactic they take is simply to emotionally withdraw-- they may ignore their partner for days, completely detach and create an uncomfortably frigid environment at home. Maybe they just disappear for hours instead of days, and when asked about their day they simply provide a one word answer or say "I needed to go out" with no further explanation. There is no doubt in your mind that something is wrong, but you just don't know how to fix it. Mental abuse is all about torturing your mind because it is just so difficult to [...]
Do You Need To Lawyer Up?
Lawyers are expensive, we can all agree on that fact. But if you were never trained as an attorney and now find yourself in need of legal assistance, the question you really need to ask yourself is can I afford to forego using an attorney? Only you know what is really at stake, and how well you think you can advocate for yourself or whether you believe you will be able to keep up with all the rules and deadlines imposed by the court process if you find yourself inside a courtroom. But when in doubt, why not ask for some help? Most courthouses have staff attorneys or clerks that can answer basic procedural questions, and many forms are either available at the clerk's desk or online. However, there are limits to what the court personnel can do for individuals, and they will not be appearing on your behalf in the courtroom or assisting in negotiations or litigation. If you want advice tailored to your specific situation, how about springing the $250-500 typically charged for a one-hour consult? In that meeting, you should get an education on the law and an overview of the legal process. Sometimes, we can offer to ghost-write certain documents for a flat-fee or charge a lower retainer, which is an upfront deposit towards the work required, for cases where we will not be going to court. This limited scope representation is increasingly being used by many as an affordable alternative to full-service representation for those with limited funds. The clients that can normally afford full legal representation earn at least $80,000 per year and have access to at least $15,000- either in savings, on a credit card or via a personal loan if they have family or friends with this ability. This is why at least 50% of families with domestic cases in Maryland do not have attorneys of record. But maybe they are getting some help behind the scenes? I certainly hope so given how much is at stake, including significant property rights, support obligations, and custody of their kids. During the summer, when kids are out of school, a lot of parents come to the unfortunate realization that they need to part ways. For those that do find themselves facing that unhappy scenario, I would urge them to consider getting some initial legal advice before making any major moves. Get a clear understanding [...]
Are You Missing The Point?
Dating in the 21st century has never been easier--you don't even have to leave your house to explore options and start a conversation with someone that might be interesting. It's also super easy to stay connected without much of an effort, just by liking a few posts on Instagram or Facebook or sending a quick text maybe not even with words, just an emoji to let someone know you are thinking of him or her. Once we establish that someone is geographically convenient and shares a few common interests, maybe we put in some effort to meet up, or perhaps just hook up. Then, if there is chemistry, this usually becomes the main focus for a while-- maybe weeks or even months, and if that is all you both wanted then great, mission accomplished, and you can both enjoy the fun while it lasts. But what if someone wants more than just a fun, temporary fling? What if you are actually looking for someone that will not just be around to meet your short-term entertainment needs? Well, then you first have to realize that not everyone you meet shares this same mind-frame, and next you have to develop a better way to screen. You cannot just focus on activities you enjoy doing with others-- we all like to go to the movies, try new restaurants, travel and have someone to take as our plus one to social events. Anyone that is half-way decent looking with mediocre social skills can fill this role, so this is not the point. Your mission is to dig deep, into the issues that really matter. 20 Questions is about mapping-- you need to figure out (1) a person's family history and educational background, (2) where they are currently in life, and (3) what life goals do they have? As you gather the answers to these questions, check your gut. Are they hiding something? Do their words match their actions? Do they mean what they say, and say what they mean? Are they bothered by your questions, or do they welcome and share in your curiosity? Ultimately, you want to find someone that shares in your core values. If education and career goals are important to you, don't dismiss the fact that someone else is nonchalant about these things. If you are financial responsible and incredibly organized, don't minimize the fact that someone else is [...]
5 Questions to Ask Before Saying “I Do”
Wedding season is now upon us, and on average each U.S. couple tying the knot will spend in excess of $30,000 for their big day. While it is easy to get caught up in all the details and the overall excitement, it is important to talk through some major issues. Here are the top 5 hot-topics I ask couples to think about before they say their vows: 1. Wedding Budget – Are you in agreement on the number of guests, the size of the bridal party, and how the honeymoon and all the event costs will be paid? 2. Household Finances- Have you fully disclosed your income, expenses, assets and liabilities? Do you know each other's credit scores? Are you in sync regarding your desire to save vs. spend? How will you handle your household budget? Do you need to see a Financial Planner together and look into life insurance and updating your estate documents and beneficiary designations? 3. Separate vs. Marital Assets- What assets do you want to keep as separate? Are you going to maintain a separate account for any inheritances, gifts, or premarital funds? What will you consider joint? Do you want to memorialize your understanding in a legal document, i.e. a prenup or postnup? 4. Family- Do your families get along? If not, how will you handle holidays? Do you want to have children and if so, when? Are there already other children from previous relationships? If so, are you on the same page regarding the role a step-parent will play in that child's life? 5. Conflict Resolution- How do you handle conflict together? Could you benefit from a class or some sessions with a couples counselor to improve your communication or coping skills? These talks are not easy or fun, but they are necessary because the reality is that getting married is not just about falling in love and hosting a big party to celebrate with family and friends the fact that you have met someone that you find special and have fun with, but rather it's about agreeing to build a life together, which requires you to be on the same page with your mission, vision and core values. Are you unable to talk about the issues I've just raised? Well, then perhaps you aren't really ready to get married just yet. No biggie-- engagements get postponed or called off all the time precisely because during the courtship phase most people aren't [...]
What Makes or Breaks a Relationship?
Yesterday, on the Washington Post Express FB Live segment of Baggage Check, I got to cover major issues that come up for couples with respect to money. But hopefully it is clear that money is just the topic, and the real issue is usually something much deeper like a need for safety and security, transparency, honesty and not having someone dictate terms. In order to understand the real issues at play, you have to be curious-- in other words don't just state your position, but ask your partner why s/he disagrees with it or has a different point of view. There are, however, some bigger, and perhaps far more disturbing issues that I see everyday with my divorce clients, and after 18 years of collecting horror stories here are some of the worst things you can do in a relationship: 1. Failing to disclose that you have an STD, especially incurable ones like HIV or herpes. To knowingly transmit a virus that will harm another human being is truly unforgivable. 2. Making your problems your partner's problems. It simply isn't fair to make poor choices (like not saving enough for a rainy day, racking up credit card debt needlessly, getting a DUI, not paying bills that impact your credit score, or having an affair) that now impact your partner. 3. Engaging in activities (such as a gambling addiction or sex addiction) that risk the safety and security of your partner, either in terms of health or financial stability. To selfishly indulge in anything that fails to take into account the impact to your partner shows a complete lack of respect and consideration. It demonstrates that your partner is not a priority at all. 4. Continually breaking promises will ruin the trust in your relationship. It could be little commitments, like agreeing to be home by 6pm but instead you continue to show up late for a variety of reasons, or big commitments like promising to pay off a debt or put money into a joint savings account and then you don't. The failure to follow through with your word eventually makes your word worthless, and your partner will lose all respect for you. 5. Not managing your anger properly is another common problem-- especially if it gets to the point of violent physical interactions, but even emotional abuse is deeply harmful. Anger is really an aggressive way of expressing disappointment. [...]
Can You Rise Strong?
Every day I see victims of horrible occurrences transform into strong survivors that overcome life's setbacks and move forward with formidable courage that inspires everyone else around them. This is what I love most about being a divorce lawyer-- not just seeing this metamorphosis, but actually being a central part of it. For over 18 years, I have essentially been collecting data on (a) what causes relationships to fall apart, (b) how different people manage their emotions during a time of turmoil, and (c) who comes out on top at the end of this process. Today, I want to focus on the last part of my information gathering-- because those who come out strongest at the end of the whole divorce process all share some very similar characteristics that we can all learn from: Openness- While everyone has a story as to what they believe caused the demise of the relationship, those that are open to hearing a different point of view also prove to be the ones most likely to show flexibility and creativity in reaching a resolution, while those that are not open to seeing things from anyone else's perspective (including mine or the judicial system's way of handling certain issues) will most likely fail at reaching a settlement and be highly disappointed when they learn that divorce court is not criminal court, and we are not set up to punish anyone. Emotional Intelligence- Those that lack emotional awareness are often incapable of truly solving problems. They are either sad beyond belief or so busy being angry, that they are unable to really be present when others are trying to focus on key immediate issues that need to be addressed or create a viable plan for the future. Meanwhile, those that can name the emotions they are feeling, and show empathy towards those that their partners may be grappling with, and take the time to process them are generally not overwhelmed by their emotions when we are talking about ways to mitigate the damages and move forward, so they are active participants in both the brain-storming and negotiations of the legal solutions to their situation. Realistic Expectations- Those that believe they are entitled to an immediate court date and should get 100% of what they want while the other person shouldn't get a thing are in for a pretty rude awakening. With over 14,000 new civil cases filed in Montgomery [...]
15 Ways Getting Engaged Changes Men Forever
The moment is here. You’ve met someone good enough to convince you that permanently deleting Tinder is a good idea. She’s funny. She’s charming. She’s beautiful. She’s smart enough to talk circles around you—and eloquently, at that. Yes, you’re officially ready to get engaged. Pulling the trigger on a proposal is likely the most significant decision you’ll have made in your life until this point. For the first time, you’re truly committing to something—in this case, someone—other than yourself. And that changes a man, whether it’s a palpably (hey, you’re hitting the gym more often!), or more subtly (would you look at that… you’re more of a team player now!). So here are the biggest ways you will find yourself inexorably changed after you’ve slid the ringer on her finger. And please, after you pop the question, make sure you and your partner have these ten pre-marriage conversations. Read the Full Article in BestLife
Difficult Clients: What To Do and When To Let Go by Tracy Schorn in Washington Lawyer
Regina DeMeo, a family law attorney in Bethesda, Maryland, had one such case. "I've been doing this for 18 years. Only 5 percent of my cases ever go to trial." That's because most people are reasonable, says DeMeo, "They do the cost-benefit analysis" and arrive at some sort of compromise. But not the ex-wife of one of her clients, who DeMeo says has cost her client over $120,000 in court costs over two years, defending himself. "She does not stop." Even when she loses? "Especially when she loses," says DeMeo, rattling off a litany of emergency filings, requests for protection from abuse orders, motions to compel or contempt motions, custody evaluations, demanded (and then rejected) exceptions, and motions to reconsider. "We never get a break. We were required to try mediation. It went nowhere. It was like Chinese water torture," DeMeo says. Read the Full Article in Washington Lawyer
How Does A Love Story Turn Into A Nightmare?
Remember as kids we would see some children burst into a puddle of tears over a paper cut while others remained stoic even when a broken bone might be sticking completely out of place? That's because even at an early age we are all exhibit varying degrees of pain tolerance-- and that remains true in adulthood. What each of us is willing to accept in a relationship is unique to our own level of tolerance, which is partially attributable to nature or nurture, but also depends a lot on the current situation we are in. So for example, someone that grew up with a lot of drama may have a high tolerance for it, and yet in a point in time when there's already a lot of drama in his/her life may find that s/he cannot tolerate much more. Ultimately, each of us chooses to invest time and energy in relationships that hopefully will bring us joy, and we all cherish that honeymoon period in any romantic relationship, where everyone is on their best behavior. Where we all struggle then, is when that period ends, especially if things really fall apart and take a turn for the worst. Putting aside for today the issue of why this may happen, let's talk about how this happens because it is important to see and understand what this looks like. When friction first arises, there are some pretty classic things people start to do, including making snide comments (those are overt forms of aggression) or they withdraw either physically or emotionally by staying late at the office, spending more time away, and not sharing as much about their feelings (that's more of a passive-aggressive way of "coping.") By not addressing these actions and the underlying feelings, tension will continue to mount, which then results in more heated arguments and/or increasing avoidance of one another. Now depending on each person's level of tolerance, as explained earlier, who knows how long this can go on for? Eventually, something has to give. Why? Because it's just not humanly possible to continue to endure daily or weekly comments from someone that either directly or indirectly suggest you are a piece of crap. If you are always "wrong" or never do anything "right," or they insinuate that all the motives behind your every move are deeply flawed, then why are you even with this person who basically thinks [...]
Should you put your pets in your prenup by Adam Cecil in PolicyGenius
For the vast majority of #millennials, animals have replaced children. Instead of going through the time, effort, and expense of reproducing, we outsourced the whole thing to cats and dogs, who now reside in our homes in record numbers. This can potentially lead to problems if you decide to “grow up” and “get married” – a.k.a. “give into pressure from mom and dad” and “enter into a legal and spiritual union with a 50% success rate.” If the marriage ends up falling apart, figuring out where Fido and Fluffy are going to live can be difficult, taxing, and contentious. One survey of divorce lawyers found that 27% have noticed a notable increase in the number of couples who fight over custody of their pets, with the theory being that some couples are taking advantage of the emotional nature of pet ownership to use pets as bargaining chips in their divorce proceedings. Read the Full Article in PolicyGenius