Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
How Do You Switch From Being A Yuppie To Hippie?
I don't think most yuppies transform into hippies overnight. Those of us that go the corporate/law firm route after grad school tend to embrace a certain look, gravitate towards urban dwellings and maintain an intense life style for many years. We work hard, then play hard. And during this phase of our lives, huge sums of money are spent not just on impressive homes, but also on expensive cars, clothes, travel, and entertainment. We embrace a "healthy" competitive atmosphere both at work and with our friends, and often rely on generous amounts of alcohol to help to ease all our pains. The yuppie life-style takes a drastic change for many only after we become parents. All of a sudden, maybe that hip urban pad isn't the best place for kids. Then there's the whole issue of work-life balance that starts to creep into your agenda at the office, and while some firms may be open to a flexible schedule, most won't be thus, forcing you to decide what changes/sacrifices you are willing to make in your own life to get what you really want. Only after I came back from maternity leave did I learn that (contrary to representations previously made) my firm was not open to a flexible schedule. I also realized that commuting to into downtown DC from my home in upper North West was more trouble than it was worth. So, I decided to open my own firm in Bethesda, and eventually I moved out of DC completely opting to raise my son in the suburbs. As part of this quest for a calmer life, I pursued additional training in alternate dispute resolution methods, including mediation and Collaborative Divorce. I also got a life coach and started journaling and meditating to help process all these changes I was experiencing both professionally and personally. And ever so gradually, I found myself arguing less and inquiring more, focusing less on advancing positions and more on finding solutions. As my priorities continued to change, I cared less and less about the latest "hot spots," expensive cars or fancy clothes, and really that money needed to be reallocated towards my child's needs not my frivolous wants. I found great joy in my mommy organized playdates, and soon my craving for those hard-core kick-boxing classes were replaced by yoga, especially those classes with a guided meditation component. Soon thereafter, I heard myself passionately talking to friends and colleagues about the need to feed into positive energy and limit our exposure to [...]
What Crap Are You Holding Onto?
After a bad break-up, it's normal for feelings of disappointment, sadness, anger or betrayal to linger for a while. It's okay to vent these feelings with those you trust, or write them in a journal until finally you've got it all out of your system. But hopefully at some point you realize enough is enough-- you have to move on, and to do that you need let go of all those heavy thoughts weighing you down! How do you move on? Well, first you have to train your brain to stop dwelling in negativity. To break a negative loop, you have to change your focus to more positive things. Try engaging in activities that make you happy like going for a nice long walk or run, catching up with family and friends, and treat yourself to a day at the spa or a little shopping therapy. Go on a trip if you need to escape your present environment for a bit, and during whatever down time you can find pick up some inspiring books and put on some soothing music while you breath in the soft scent of candles or incense and surround yourself with a positive vibe. Try to start your day with 2 minutes of silence and think of at least 3 things you are grateful for in life. Then throughout your day, keep redirecting your brain away from negative thoughts. Stay present rather than dwell in the past and what could've been or should've been-- what difference does it make what you might glimpse in your rear view mirror? The next part of your journey is ahead of you, not behind you. If you find there are others in your life dragging you down, gracefully try to minimize contact with them. And if your surroundings are not allowing you to enjoy peace and quiet, implement whatever changes you need to turn your home into a tranquil sanctuary that allows your spirit to breath and rest. Like it or not, this will involve some purging on your part-- including all closets, basements, garages, storage units, whatever. All the junk in your life has to go. This is an essential part of the healing process. When it's all said and done, you will feel an incredible sense of accomplishment. Getting to that point, however may take a while. To be perfectly candid in addition to years of working with a life coach [...]
The Most Common Reasons Marriages Fail, According To Divorce Lawyers
Regina A. DeMeo, an attorney who has been practicing law in the Bethesda, Maryland, area for the past 18 years, says she’s seen a sharp spike in “people wanting out because of financial differences or financial infidelity” since the recession of 2008.“I find that people are much more aware of the instability created by staying in a marriage with someone that lacks financial responsibility, and there's less tolerance of someone that isn't doing his [or] her best to contribute and maintain financial security for the family unit,” DeMeo tells HealthyWay.The money issues that send people into DeMeo’s office are always unique to the couple, but they tend to fall into two basic camps: The marriage where one person says the other is spending too much or the marriage where one spouse feels the other isn’t maximizing their earnings or savings. That can mean anything from someone who doesn’t save to the person who feels like their spouse should work harder or move up the ladder faster at their job.“The fact is that marriage is more than just a partnership built on love,” DeMeo says. “You are presumably helping each other to build a life together, and in order to feel safe and secure in this endeavor, you need to be on the same page about spending prudently and saving. If you don't respect your spouse's choices and trust your partner with money, I don't see how you can make it work in the long run.” Read the Full Article in Health Way
5 Things Your Kids Learn From Travel
When I was 9, my grandmother took me to visit her family in South America. That was a memorable trip for me mostly because I was not prepared for the immense poverty and huge disparity between the haves and have-nots. Then as a teenager in the 1980's, I was given special permission to travel to Eastern Europe during the Cold War to train with some of their top athletes. That was another huge culture shock, mainly due to my lack of experience with their language, the different foods, and a political ideology that completely contradicted the one we revered back home. A few years later, I opted for a semester in Paris, just as the Berlin Wall collapsed; then in the early 90's I spent a year studying in Spain, my father's home country, right before I back packed through Europe by myself before turning 21. Here are the 5 key life lessons I learned from all those experiences: 1. Adaptability- The sooner you adapt to a new time zone, learn a few key phrases and learn to convert to another country's currency, the easier everything gets. Be open to learning about a new culture with different customs. The more willing you are to modify your routines, the less aggravated you will be when things don't go exactly according to plan. 2. Time Management- If you are relying on catching a plane, train, ship or shared car service, you have to budget your time carefully. Failure to do so can have severe consequences. You also need to prioritize what you want to see, because rarely do you have time to do it all. 3. Preparedness- In addition to having the right travel documents, reservations and local currency, you just never know exactly when you'll be able to stop for a snack or rest stop, so you always need to carry some food and water, and empty your bladder whenever you can. If you don't want to wander around lost, always get a map first and know where to meet up with others if you separate from your group. If the weather might change suddenly, then pack an extra sweater, poncho or umbrella. As someone once told me, "there is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing." 4. Vulnerability- It's okay to admit you are lost or need help, and the funny thing is that when you do most [...]
Can You See The Silver-Lining Of Divorce?
Whether your marriage lasted six months or thirty years, parting ways is never easy because of the maelstrom of emotions evoked once either party announces that s/he is done trying to work things out. Simply put, admitting failure isn't easy for anyone, and accepting that all your dreams of a happily-ever-after with your spouse are not ever going to come true is a hard and bitter pill to swallow. Anger and sadness, mixed with the fear of change, being alone, or the unknown are all difficult feelings to work through, but most of my divorce clients eventually come to the realization that in order to move forward they need to face their deep-seeded fears and off-load the negative emotions, which hamper their progress in starting a new chapter. Eventually, those of us that are determined to move onward and upward, come to appreciate some of the most powerful lessons divorce can teach you, including the following: 1. Enjoy Being Alone- it is a good thing to just enjoy your own company. On your own, you can either re-engage in activities you once loved, or decide to learn new skills. Learn to entertain yourself. This is essential if you don't want to cling to someone like s/he is your life-support in your next relationship. 2. Mindful of Finances- when there is no one else to rely on, you really are motivated to maximize your income and curb your spending wherever possible in order to save for a rainy day. Unfortunately, when we cohabitate with someone, we all have a tendency to lose track of what is spent and assume that things will be okay with two incomes. 3. Be Healthy- under stress, many resort to bad habits like drinking too much, over-eating, and not sleeping enough. Once you have removed yourself from a negative environment, most find that they sleep better and have more energy to exercise. Soon thereafter they start to eat healthier and reduce their drinking. These are all good habits to adopt sooner rather than later. 4. Positive Relationships- after a divorce, you cannot help but analyze what went wrong, and what you'd do differently in the future-- not just with a spouse, but with all your relationships. You appreciate the family and friends that stick by your side in both good and bad times, and you soon learn to eliminate the dead weight in your life. Ultimately, divorce is a catalyst to a greater awakening than [...]
33 Tiny Habits That Are Slowly Ruining Your Relationship
"Of course we all want to do thing according to our own timeline, especially when we're not at work, but if you constantly blow off your partner's request to do something within a certain time frame, then they'll begin to resent you because you obviously aren't really listening or making their requests a priority." -Regina A. DeMeo, Esq., couples' therapist based in Washington, DC Read the Full Article in Redbook
Relationship Mistakes That Will Make Your Partner Resent You
Your relationship has been going great for the last couple of months or years, then suddenly your partner becomes cold toward you. If there’s been a sudden change in behavior and your partner is acting like he or she is sleeping with the enemy, there could be some unresolved hurt and anger that needs to be addressed. Once resentment sets in, it can seriously impact the health of a relationship. Psychologist Jeanette Raymond, author of Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t! told The Cheat Sheet resentment often arises when a couple’s relationship expectations are not being met. Read the Full Article in The CheatSheet
21 Subtle Signs That Your Partner Is Being Emotionally Abusive
These are the major things to look out for. Read the Full Article in Redbook
Do Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures?
When a relationship is unraveling, and you no longer feel safe or that you can trust your partner, you need to stop listening to the empty promises that person keeps making and start taking some measures to protect yourself. What does this look like? Here are just a few examples: Separate Your Bank Accounts If each month, you keep depositing your entire paycheck into a joint account, and each month that money disappears in ways you simply cannot fathom or don't agree with, then perhaps it is time to stop putting all your money into one account. Set up your own separate account, and then only deposit into the joint account what you think is necessary to pay truly joint expenses, and if that still doesn't solve the problem, then pay your share of the joint expenses directly to the providers and stop using a joint account. No Joint Credit Cards If the joint credit card bills are out of control, then maybe it's time to reduce the spending limits, close or freeze those accounts (usually you can't close it until the balance is paid off), or take someone off if s/he is just as an authorized user. When you have a joint credit card, what's to stop someone from racking up debt you don't agree to and then having them stick you with the bill? You need to protect your credit, and unless someone is a minor, there's really no need for you to let another person borrow on your credit. Taxes If someone fails to save enough to cover their tax debt, there is no reason you need to take this on as your problem. Married couples can and do often file separately, and you should check with a CPA about the pros/cons of filing jointly before you commit to being on the hook with Uncle Sam for someone else's tax debt. Travel & Entertainment Were you planning on taking a trip together, but now you learn that your partner doesn't have any money to contribute to this joint adventure? Well, maybe you need to postpone the trip until s/he saves enough to cover part of the expenses you thought would be joint. As kids, we all had to finish our homework before we could go outside and play, right? Same rules should apply as grown-ups-- can't sign up for expensive outings until you know you can afford [...]
5 Small Habits That Can Kill A Relationship
We can all agree on some major reasons to call it quits, like infidelity, abuse, or engaging in reckless behavior that endangers the lives of others, but here are 5 small habits that can eventually cause good people to part ways: 1.Going global- if in the heat of the moment you say to your partner things like "you never load the dishwasher" or "you always forget to throw out the trash" you basically are telling them that they can never live up to your standards. Eventually, they will just stop trying, which is the opposite result you were after. Instead, try to be specific about a particular incident and not talk about past episodes. Praise the person when a task is completed to your liking, and you will see that everyone responds far better to rewards than punishments 2. Lack of encouragement- if you have a tendency to be critical, and are not very good with compliments, this can be really hard on your loved ones. There is already enough negativity out there, and while I am all for openly talking about problems, to me the point is to find a solution and not just bitch and moan about your personal gripes. When someone makes an effort to brighten your day or show you they care, you need to acknowledge and praise that effort. 3. Procrastinating- Of course we all want to do things according to our own timeline, especially when we are not at work. But if you constantly blow off your partner's request to do something within a certain timeframe, then s/he will begin to resent you because you obviously aren't really listening or making his/her requests a priority. Ask them upfront for a timeframe, and be honest if that won't work for you so you can both agree on a realistic timeline. 4. Being Tardy/Absent- If you are routinely late or fail to show up to things, regardless of all the great excuses beyond your control like work, traffic, train delays, etc. the stories will eventually grow old, and your partner (or kids) will come to the conclusion that s/he can't count on you. Rely on modern technology if you have to and use your calendar not just for work but also personal commitments, then come up with some strategies to build-in extra time for delays. 5. Disorganized- It's fine to have an occasional mess here or there, but if disorganization is a constant pattern [...]