Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
What’s Your Incentive To Compromise?
In family law, it is well documented that over 90% of cases settle before trial, but the reasons driving such a high rate of settlements is probably less clear to most people, except those of us that have spent decades working with families in the legal trenches. Not only is the court process expensive, but it is also far from speedy or private. As time goes on, many find that living with tremendous uncertainty during a very public display of one's worst life moments takes quite a toll on a person's health and emotional well-being. Many of my clients report issues with sleep deprivation, sudden weight loss or gain, hair loss, lack of focus, increased irritability and compromised immune systems. You don't need to have an M.D. to realize there is a direct correlation between a person's messy divorce and an undeniable deterioration in his/her health. Now if the parents can barely keep it together, just imagine what this is doing to their kids, who rely on the adults for everything. Too often, the children are stuck in the middle watching their parents create chaos while taking needless digs at one another. The uncontroverted research is clear: the more the children are exposed to conflict, the worse off they will be for a very, very long time. So, when we look at managing the risks of a litigated case, it's not just about weighing your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) vs. your Worst Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (WATNA), but all the factors I just mentioned about your health, finances, privacy, and impact to your kids that have to be taken into account. Fortunately, most rational people are able to take into account all the relevant data points and decide there is more to be won from reaching a compromise than there is to be gained from a prolonged court battle. It is not about letting someone else off the hook, but rather it's about letting yourself (and your children) move forward with your dignity and sanity intact. I realize that HCPs (High Conflict Personalities) do not make it easy to disengage and reach a compromise, and sadly those are often the ones driving that 10% of cases that do go to trial. These really are the worst of the worst, but all I can say is if given a choice, I hope you find a way to [...]
Should We Just Agree to Disagree?
I realize there are many out there (although none in my immediate circle of friends) that support the President's idea of a wall to limit immigration from countries south of our border, but I am having a really hard time understanding how this can be a "National Emergency." To me, as both a family lawyer in the DC Area for over 20 years and the mother of a young child, there are far more pressing issues like the need for (1) gun control, (2) access for all to good medical care and public education, and (3) getting a handle on this opioid epidemic. Putting aside political views, however, which can always be debated, let's focus on the offensive statements being made by our own political representatives suggesting that all those emigrating from Central and South America are either rapists, drug dealers or gang members. How can we let all these insinuations just slide? My own mother, who came here from South America, was none of those things, and she is one of the hardest workers I have ever met in my life. Luckily, she was able to come to the U.S. legally in the 60's, and later she brought over my grandmother, who helped raise me and then stayed in this country, which granted her citizenship, until her death at age 97 just a few years ago. Now, I may not look it (because I inherited my father's European features), but I am first generation American. And, I may not sound like a minority because I went to some of the best schools in this country. But with each day that passes, I definitely feel more and more like a minority-- outraged by the racial comments being made by our own elected officials, and the blatant discrimination that continues to plague those in our under-served communities. Admittedly, my view on this wall issue might be tainted because of my family background-- but unless you are 100% Native American, aren't we all children of immigrants, who came here for the chance at a better life? And if you believe in the American dream, how can you justify blocking innocent children from the chance to pursue that same dream? If none of what I just said resonates with you, then we'll just have to agree to disagree-- on a lot. But, rather than waste my breath yelling in some demonstration filled with [...]
When Your Spouse Cheats On You – Financially by Tracy Schorn on The Girlfriend
After 36 years of marriage, Sheila Sammons, 62, suspected her husband was having an affair. Distraught, she googled at 3 a.m. and found a not-exactly-legal suggestion on how to reveal a double life: Run a credit report. Sammons was shocked at what she discovered: “Two different P.O. boxes and three accounts with different financial institutions that I knew nothing about.” Betraying her was incomprehensible enough, “but never in a million years did I think he would steal money from me. Ever.” Turns out he was doing both.
What Is Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity may not be recognized as grounds for divorce in court, but that does not mean you should ignore it. If your partner is not being transparent about his/her finances, that is a legitimate cause for concern because a loving partner that you can trust will want to make sure you feel safe and secure-- not just emotionally, but financially. Hiding assets, debt or gambling addictions are all unacceptable behaviors that should not be ignored. I talk about it all the time with my clients, and am honored to be a contributor to this week's article just released by the AARP that discusses this topic in depth: https://www.thegirlfriend.com/article/spouse-cheats-financially/
How Well Do You Know Your Partner?
Have you ever had someone surprise you? You thought you knew the person well, but then s/he surprises you in response to a difficult situation. The truth is, you don't know what you don't know... until you see how a person reacts in an adverse situation. We have all had friendships that go on for 5, 10, even 20 years, and all of a sudden that person shows you a side that you had never seen before. Why would it be any different with a partner? People have tried to come up with all these rules of thumbs in dating, for example: 1) wait at least a year before you can say you really know someone; 2) wait until you meet all of your partner's family and friends; 3) wait until you have lived together for some time; or 4) wait until you have your first fight. While all of these are good pieces of advice, they still cannot take into account all the variables that life will throw at you. We all age, some just do it better than others. And over time, we all encounter challenges with our careers, family obligations, health or finances. How we face these difficulties is not easily predicted. Some people bury their heads in the sand when confronted with problems. Some become angry or defensive, with a high tendency to blame everyone else but themselves. There are those who just seek to numb the pain, without addressing the real issue. Others, focus like a laser and want to tackle the situation head on. As you get old or sick, maybe suffer some setbacks in your career or finances, lose a loved one or simply change your perspective on what your goals and objectives are in life, you need to keep checking in with your partner to see whether you remain on the same page, and if you are not, honestly ask yourself: is this is a deal breaker? After handling divorces for over two decades, I would have thought that I would no longer be surprised by people, and yet just about every week I hear a new story that reminds me just how unpredictable people can be when faced with a scary situation that is completely outside of their control. So when your partner responds in a way that makes you question your judgment, try not to be too hard on yourself. [...]
This Valentine’s Day, What Are You Doing For Yourself?
Whether you try to ignore it or not, Valentine's Day is just a few days away. If you are in a relationship, then like it or not the pressure is on to do something- at a bare minimum a card and some candy. Most of us over age 40 are probably done buying into the hype of over priced flowers and expensive dinners out, but for those with a significant other they still need to be on the same page with their partners as to what is an appropriate way to celebrate this Hallmark holiday. If not, there's no better time like the present to clear up any misconceptions about how V-Day should play out. And for those that are single, not having to deal with any of that awkwardness may indeed seem like the best gift of the season, but actually I believe we can all strive for more. First, let's be honest. The chances of finding a romantic love that lasts forever are pretty slim: About half of all marriages end in divorce, and of those that stay together, maybe half are happily married while the others seem to just grin and bear it either because of kids, fear of being alone or broke, or an unwillingness to make a major change to their social status. With only a 25% chance of success, it's easy to see why so many find themselves believing they are "unlucky" when it comes to finding love. Second, identify what you want most out of any particular holiday this year, starting with the one that is most imminent, and come up with an action plan. One of the most liberating things I've discovered whenever I'm not in a relationship is that I get to plan what I want most without the need to compromise. Too often, we sacrifice too much of our own wants when we are with someone, and inevitably that will lead to resentment or regret. So regardless of your single, committed, or it's complicated status, can you just focus on what your own needs and wants for even just a moment? Visualize what you would do for yourself if it was only up to you. Then think about the steps required to actually get that done, and ask yourself whether you are really committed to implementing your action plan. I firmly believe that if you really want something, you will [...]
How Are You Coping With Winter Blues?
For many, it has not been an easy start to 2019. The longest government shutdown in U.S. history definitely took a psychological toll on most of us in DC, not to mention the devastating economic impact across various industries here. On top of that, freezing temperatures have caused major delays or school closures in this region, and unless you are seemingly immune to the cold, this weather is not inspiring many of us to venture outdoors for long. This creates the perfect storm for what I refer to as the Winter Blues. As tempting as it may be to just wrap yourself in a blanket, order meal delivery and binge watch on your sofa all day, honestly the best way to combat those feelings of isolation, boredom or lack of direction in your life is to motivate yourself to complete at least 3 tasks a day. For example: cook at least one meal a day, get to the gym, and make plans to connect with at least one friend/colleague. If you stick to this, when you complete your tasks you will feel so good that hopefully you will want to repeat the experience the next day, picking another 3 tasks you can tackle, and ideally this momentum will keep building. Another good tip is to build in rewards for yourself. So if you hate organizing your closets/drawers, try to have a prize in mind that will give you something to look forward to at the end of that task. If getting your tax documents together is a painful experience, then maybe plan a lunch date with a friend at the end of the week to celebrate the completion of that unpleasant yet necessary assignment. They say that misery does enjoy company-- and if you can manage to convince other members of your household to help with the difficult chores on your list, you will find the time goes much faster and together you'll develop a better appreciation of each other's efforts. (Just watch a few episodes of "Tidying Up" with Marie Kondo on Netflix, if you need a visual reference.) It is my sincere hope that brighter, much warmer days are right around the corner with no more government or school shutdowns, but in the meantime take the opportunity if you have it to make your days at home as productive as possible-- clean out those disaster areas, get your [...]
Are You Making Time For Yourself During The Holidays?
Despite all the pressure to find the right gifts for family and friends, and distribute the correct amount in bonuses and tips to our service providers during the holidays, I do love the fact that at the end of every year we must all take some time to think about others and recognize the role they play in our lives. That said, you don't want to lose sight of the fact that with the precious time you will have off during the holidays, you need to carve out some me time, and you shouldn't let others give you a guilt trip because you want a little time on your own. All families have drama, and there is such a thing as too much time together. Only you know what triggers you and when you're hitting your wall. This year, why not develop some coping and escape strategies in advance rather than trying to react in the moment? Another tip to keep in mind is this piece of advice my friend gives to her kids before they say anything in the heat of the moment: 1) is it kind? 2) is it necessary? 3) is it true? If the statement does not pass this three-prong test, then keep your mouth shut. Now we all know there's a limit to how much we can take from others and keep to ourselves. That being said, try to always take the high road. There's a saying I love to share with my divorce clients, "don't wrestle with a pig. The pig likes it, and you just get dirty." Rather than make a scene, walk away and go do something you love to do-- take a walk, practice some yoga while listening to music, go to the gym, hit golf balls at the driving range, treat yourself to a massage, go to the movies, find a quiet room to read a book or write in your journal or bake some cookies. Whatever it is that you enjoy doing, go do it instead of getting dragged into family drama. Hopefully you will eat a lot of yummy food, laugh a lot with loved ones, and be full of joy and gratitude as we close out 2018. If you are looking for some peace, however, don't count on others to do that for you-- that is something only you can create for yourself. Happy holidays! By [...]
How Are You Coping With The Challenges of Single Parenting?
None of us aspire to be a single parent, just like none of us dream of getting divorced when we're exchanging our vows in front of some officiant with probably 50 or more of our closest friends and family as witnesses. So let's first acknowledge and accept that the choice to be a single parent is not an easy one, and for some people it was not even a decision they made willingly, but rather it was just thrust upon them. But there isn't much time to wallow in self pity about the fact that things didn't work out as you'd hoped because there's now a little one counting on you to make it all okay, and while this is no small task, every day I get to see so many strong and resilient people rise to that challenge. In addition to getting over your personal disappointment or anger that things did not work out as expected when you first thought to bring a new child into this world, single parents continue to face difficult issues through each stage of the child's life. As first, people usually focus on securing the basics, and by secure I mean getting to the point that you are not relying on anyone other than yourself to provide for all the basic needs for yourself and your child. That can take no time at all for people with a great education who never left the workforce, or it can take years for those without a college degree and/or minimal work experience. Those in the latter category are at a severe disadvantage when it comes to moving onward and upward from a split, unless they are able to find someone quickly that comes in and rescues the day. These days, I would not hold my breath waiting for that to happen. Long after you have secured the basics for yourself and your child, there are still so many variables that play into whether you will weather life's storms okay: Will you and your child remain healthy? Will your ex be a cooperative or difficult co-parent? How will the introduction of a new significant other impact your family dynamics? Will someone decide to relocate outside the child's home state? Will you have on-going legal expenses to deal with your ex? Any one of these variables can throw you off course on your path to creating a stable [...]
How Do You Know If You’ve Met “The One”? 7 Signs Someone’s Not Quite Right Long-Term by Elana Rubin on Elite Daily
This idea of "the one" has been ingrained in our minds ever since we were kids. We'd watch romantic comedies, Disney fairytales, and read young adult novels in which happily ever after told us that there was one person we were "meant to be" with. But in reality, there are plenty of people who could be "the one" for you, and will mesh well with you at different parts of your life. In any relationship, you could be wondering if you've met the one: Are they the person of your dreams? Is your connection completely unparalleled to other relationships you've had in your life?