Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Can You Keep It Together During Crazy Times?
These are difficult times for everyone, everywhere. The rules keep changing every day, and most of our daily routines that keep us grounded have been tossed out the window. I have only been back in the U.S. 10 days, after a much needed break from the daily drama I deal with as the owner of a family law firm, part-time professor and full time parent to a teenager that thinks he's already 21. When I left for vacation on Feb. 26th, I was only aware of 2 cases of the coronavirus in the West Coast. Upon my re-entry, there were over 1,000 cases. March 9th, my first day back at work was pretty normal, with court operating as usual and a successful mediation that afternoon. The next day, I went to GWU Law to connect with my clinic students, who had just returned from their Spring Break, and we shared stories about our trips without any possible indication that those might be our last for some time. On March 11th, I drove my partner to the airport, fully intending to join him in Florida a few days later. Then, Thursday morning everything changed. Instead of getting on a plane to visit family in Florida this past weekend, I stayed home and went shopping for food and supplies. My son's school notified all parents that for the next 2 weeks (at least) students should stay home. Then the emails started to roll in with all the cancelations of mediations, court appearances, conferences, networking events, presentations, and no more in-person classes or meetings with my own students. If you are an extrovert like me, this exercise in social distancing can be a particularly difficult challenge. We derive tremendous energy and intellectual stimulation from live interactions with others. Isolation is soul crushing. If you are an uber planner (again like me) all these sudden cancelations can also be devastating. Networking events, family trips, outings with friends, etc. are all off the books for the next several weeks with no certainty of when we'll be able to reschedule. But even if you are not an extrovert or planner, the uncertainty caused by the current situation is unprecedented. Things we once took for granted, like the ability to go to a yoga class, or pick up toilet paper at any store, or meet up with friends for a quick bite at a restaurant are [...]
What Will You Do for Yourself This Valentine’s Day?
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and whether you will share it with someone or not has nothing to do with whether you commemorate the day. In my earlier days, I used to rely on people to make that day special for me, but as I got older (especially after my divorce) I realized the only one that truly has the ability to make any day special is me. You know yourself better than anyone else, especially what you like and what makes you feel good. So why not take it upon yourself to schedule a little treat that you know will bring you joy? If you do have someone special in your life, make sure to acknowledge the day even if it is just with a small gift. Truly, the worst thing you can do is ignore the day– even if that person may have told you s/he isn’t into Valentine’s Day. You certainly don’t need to go crazy, but you also don’t want to send the message that you don’t care at all. Not sure what to do? Play it safe with a card and something sweet– remember, there’s never a down side to showing someone that you don’t take the relationship for granted. If you are currently in between relationships, know that you are far from alone. Maybe host some single friends for dinner or treat yourself to your favorite take-out? While streaming your favorite series or sipping a glass of wine by the fireplace, don’t allow negative thoughts to creep in and ruin the moment. Let go of the past, and instead appreciate where you are now and envision where you want to be 12 months from now. How is it that I’ve come to such a zen place? To be honest, a few years back was my worst Valentine’s Day ever– the person I was with did not get me anything, and to add insult to injury he explained that “since you’ve been so critical about my spending, I decided not to buy you any gifts this year.” After that relationship blew up, I made a conscious choice to take a break from guys for a few years. During that time, I learned to make the best of all holidays, either by myself or with loved ones. It was a self-imposed exercise that taught me a lot, and in many ways best prepared me [...]
What Are Your Relationship Dealbreakers?
While generally it is a good thing to be flexible, have an open mind, and keep an open heart as we encounter new people in life, there is great wisdom behind the idea of developing your list of deal-breakers before you start dating. First and foremost, many of us don't want to waste our time and energy on a relationship that is doomed from the beginning. Furthermore, we all know that once you jump into the sack your judgment becomes clouded, and then you run the risk of staying way longer than you should because your hormones have taken over. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I believe that each failed relationship takes a huge emotional toll on us; therefore, it is in our best interest to do what we can to minimize the need to mend a broken heart. Deal-breakers are something I deal with every day as a divorce lawyer. After 20 years in this industry, very little surprises me anymore, and while I still believe in marriage, long ago I stopped believing in unconditional love (except between a parent and child) or that love can conquer all. Unfortunately, not enough is taught ahead of time about (1) how hard it is to make relationships work, (2) how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, or (3) how to properly repair the harm we cause our loved ones. Before you get back out into the dating pool, especially after a divorce or the end of a long-term relationship, take a little time to reflect on what went wrong, what you want going forward, and where you are presently in terms of your capacity to really let someone into your life. As part of this assignment, really ask yourself not just the qualities your partner "must have" but also what you "can't stand." Would you ever get into a car without having some sense of direction as to where you are going? Dating without some sense of your deal breakers is like hitting the road without a road map-- and although initially there might be a lot of excitement in this careless abandonment, the risks are high and eventually you will tire of the constant crash and burn. So, before you jump head first into a relationship, think through not just your wants but your can't stands. Some deal-breakers should be easy to identify, like not wanting someone who [...]
Are You Asking the Right Questions?
When you reach out to a family law attorney, you are investing both time and money to become educated on the law, court process and your options. Make sure you use the time wisely, not just to spill your guts-- that's something you should do with a friend or therapist. In the meantime, here are 4 key questions to keep in mind during your consult: (1) What Should You Expect During An Initial Consult? Aside from telling your story, use this opportunity to learn about your attorney's experience and philosophical approach to family law cases. Does this person focus on family law or dabble in a variety of practice areas? Is this someone who is quick to start throwing grenades or more of a calming influence likely to promote settlement talks before filing in court? Are they able to give you a roadmap and referrals to other services you might need? If it doesn't seem like a good fit, go get a second opinion. (2) What is a Parenting Plan? This is an agreement parents develop with respect to their regular time-sharing schedule with the kids, as well as provisions for all major holidays and summer arrangements, and it establishes a mechanism for making major decisions, particularly with respect to education and medical issues. It should also address issues of child support and payment of extra-ordinary expenses. Some parents opt to use a mediator or Parenting Coach to work this out prior to filing anything in court, which can significantly reduce the cost and aggravation for the family. (3) How Much Will This Cost? Most family law cases are billed on an hourly basis, with rates varying based on the experience and reputation of the attorneys. It also depends greatly on the process you choose for getting divorce. If the parties just need someone to draft the agreement they worked out themselves, this will take very little time. If both parties agree to mediate, they can normally split the fee for each 2-3 hour session. If you each hire separate attorneys, but are committed to working on an agreement prior to going to court, this cooperative process can also keep costs at a minimum. Filing first is going to require substantial litigation retainers upfront, and this is usually the most expensive option. (4) What is an uncontested or mutual consent divorce? In many states, a request for divorce [...]
Can you get a prenup after you’re married? by Mia Taylor on Policygenius
For those who may have skipped the prenuptial agreement and are having second thoughts about doing so, all is not lost. Even after exchanging vows it’s possible to create a legal document outlining the division of assets, debts and more. Though once you’ve walked down the aisle and said “I do” the document is called a postnuptial agreement. Here’s what you need to know about postnups and why you might want one.
Seeking a ‘healthy divorce’? Here’s what ‘Marriage Story’ got right (and wrong) by Nicole Spector on Better
Family law attorneys share their thoughts about embarking on a 'nicer' divorce, and where “Marriage Story” rang true — and where it didn't. Family law attorneys share their thoughts about embarking on a 'nicer' divorce, and where “Marriage Story” rang true — and where it didn't.
Are You Ready To Call It Quits?
Severing ties is never easy, but once you realize things are not getting better and cannot continue the way they are, the next best thing to do is often to plan a peaceful and graceful exit. If you need help with this, aside from getting some legal advice maybe consider talking to a therapist or divorce coach to help with the unsettling emotions caused by all the change and loss that are inevitably part of the separation process. Only about one-third of divorces are actually "angry," and unfortunately those are the ones that wind up in court costing the family a ton of money. Most opt for a more cooperative approach, which is far less expensive and also less stressful. These couples express a commitment upfront to work on gathering and exchanging all the necessary information to discuss options for reaching a resolution on the legal issues involved in a divorce, including custody, alimony, child support, and/or property division. Forward-thinking couples don't try to place blame and re-hash the past. Rather, they focus on the legal issues that need to be addressed in order to part ways and move onward to a better place. In mediation, these families are able to confidentially discuss their problems with the guidance of a neutral third-party that will assist them in tackling difficult decisions. Here is a 2 minute video that explains the mediation process: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeuhYVirH2c It is unfortunate that January is known as Divorce Month, but hopefully couples will take the time to learn about their options and chose a process that minimizes the financial and emotional toll for everyone involved. By Regina A. DeMeo
Are You Planning a Wedding in 2020?
Over 25% of couples get engaged during the holidays, and on average they will spend almost $40,000 in the DC Area. Those who are planning to tie the knot this year need to quickly work on their guest list, then lock in a venue and caterer. Other vendors will then need to be vetted, including a florist, photographer, and the entertainment, and all these service providers will most likely require a contract and deposit, which need to be reviewed carefully. As this all starts to come together, difficult money talks are inevitable, and emotions can run high. Pay attention to how your partner handles conflict, and don't ignore your own feelings as you navigate the negotiation process and deal with other family dynamics, which are inevitable. If you have concerns about your ability to communicate respectfully and effectively, invest in some pre-marital counseling sessions. Learn what pitfalls to avoid, and gain insight into healthy habits needed to maintain a positive relationship. Meanwhile, if you find that you have vastly different views on money, consider a joint meeting with a financial advisor or float the idea of a prenuptial agreement, maybe both. Prenuptial agreements are meant to ensure that everyone is on the same page with respect to what will be joint vs. separate, and we set limits on alimony (both in terms of duration and amount). These contracts are fairly straight forward and common now, plus fairly inexpensive in comparison to the other costs involved with a wedding! Here is a short 2 minute video describing the prenup process: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngUIZt8SQ5I Love and money don't always mix, but a prenup (or post-nuptial for those that procrastinate until after the honeymoon to get this done) is a simple legal solution that can allow everyone to move forward with some peace of mind. Dealing with your future in-laws... well that's a much more long term work in progress. 🙂 By Regina A. DeMeo
Do You Have a Clear Vision for 2020?
As 2019 comes to an end, are you thinking about the ROI with respect to your investment of time, money and energy this past year? Unfortunately, it is very easy to lose track of how we spend these limited resources, unless we adopt a strategic approach by prioritizing upfront where we want to spend our best efforts in the new year. To develop a clear vision of the direction you should head in for 2020, ask yourself the following: 1. Work- are you happy doing what you do where you are? Do you feel appreciated, and properly compensated? If not, you need to either speak up or consider a change. 2. Money- do you have a good grasp of your finances? Are you operating with a balanced budget so your expenses don't exceed your income? If you are going into debt each month, it's time to acknowledge the situation is not sustainable. Ask for help from a financial advisor and come up with a plan to become fiscally responsible. 3. Friends- do you feel you have a good support network? We all go through phases in life where friends move away or get caught up in their own lives, but it's important to either remain connected with a core group we can count on, or build new one. 4. Health- have you been putting off a doctor's visit or time at the gym? No excuses allowed here, we have to make time to care for both our physical and mental health with regular exercise, check ups with our providers, maintaining a good diet and keeping a decent sleep regiment. These are critical to our overall enjoyment (with quality) of life. 5. Family- are you struggling to navigate family dynamics? These are tricky for everyone, particularly because these are in constant change either with additions, subtractions, or reconfigurations going on that involve a variety of personalities with differing emotional IQs. It takes a lot of work to build a roadmap to avoid the landmines in this minefield, but the payoff is an immense sense of comfort and belonging like no other. 6. Significant Others- have you found the love of your life? If not, be patient and use the time to work on yourself and strategies for putting yourself out there. If your relationship isn't making your heart sing, ask yourself some tough questions, e.g. are your expectations realistic? [...]
This Holiday Season, How Much Are You Willing To Give?
Holidays can be tough, especially when dealing with challenging relationships. Aside from the financial investment you will make when purchasing gifts, there is the far more difficult task of deciding how much time and energy to put into a relationship during the holidays. Most of the time, we simply calculate this based on our ROI (return on investment) but with families, the calculation is not always so simple and clean cut. Sometimes, we have to "suck it up" for the sake of a loved one, or in the overall interest of maintaining peace among the various tribes that are a part of our lives. If you have to grin and bear it for a period of time (as most of us will have to do at some point during the holidays) here are some helpful tips: 1) take a deep breath and filter your words before speaking to someone you don't particularly like; 2) if you feel your head is starting to spin, extricate yourself from the conversation and go find a quiet place or take a walk outside to calm down; 3) set boundaries for yourself ahead of time so that you know topics to avoid. When all else fails, try to remember to GIVE: be Gentle, show Interest, Validate feelings and keep the conversation Easy. This is the season of giving after all, and if you are fortunate enough to be surrounded by friends and family for the holidays, then you also have plenty to be grateful for, so make sure you pay it forward. One simple way to do that is to stay in control, opt to take the high road and make sure you don't lose your cool or let someone ruin your family's festivities. By Regina A. DeMeo www.reginademeo.com