Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Have Your Plans for 2020 Gone Awry?
As we begin Week 5 of shelter in place, after celebrating holidays with our loved ones from a safe social distance, knowing that over 22,000 Americans have died because of COVID-19, it’s easy to slip into a mind-frame full of sorrow and regret. And while those feelings are completely valid and justified, we have to find a way to redirect our thoughts to a more positive mind-set. It’s not easy to break a negative loop, but you have to will yourself to do it. Make a commitment to not allow dark thoughts to linger. I know it’s not easy, but it can be done. Here are some examples of how I’ve re-framed major disappointments recently: This week, I had plans to take my partner out to a lovely birthday dinner followed by a show that I booked back in 2019. Instead, we’ll have to get a bit more creative and make the day special ourselves. Next month, I was planning to attend my brother’s wedding in Spain. Obviously that is no longer happening, but hopefully next year we can all come together and celebrate their one year anniversary. In June, I was supposed to attend my 30th high school reunion in New England. That event has now been canceled, but some of my classmates have been connecting via Zoom, and we have been invited to crash next year’s reunion festivities, which actually will allow me to catch up with some friends from the year below me that I have not seen in ages. All of these are minor issues, and I started with these on purpose– because it is easier to start with something like this and work your way up to harder issues like what will you do about paying your bills if things don’t improve in a few weeks? Rather than just panic, focus on the opportunities available for grants, loans or how you can cut expenses. Talk to your providers and try to work out deals. Now is not the time to bury your head in the sand, praying that this will all blow over. This is the time to be pro-active, figure out what you can control and implement changes to minimize the damages. This coronavirus crisis has thrown everyone’s 2020 plans out the window, and it is challenging us to adapt quickly, not just in our behaviors but the entire way we think. So much [...]
What Financial Resources Are Available To Couples Seeking To Split?
Before this COVID-19 crisis hit, we already knew that the average credit card debt per family was over $5,000 and that about 60% of Americans did not have enough saved to cover an unexpected $1,000 emergency. Now as we shelter in place in an attempt to lower the curve, businesses across all sectors are taking a hit while unemployment numbers soar. As a result, the inevitable and harsh reality that we will all have to face is that financially it is going to take us all a long time to dig out from under this mess. So how will married couples looking to split up manage? Same as they did after 9/11 or the Great Recession. When you don't have savings available, you need to look at all your options for borrowing funds-- and right now, family and friends are properly stretched to their limits, so I'd be very careful about trying to call in a monetary favor with them. Instead, talk to your financial advisor to figure out your options for getting some cash. Can you liquidate some investments or get a loan based on the investments you currently have? If you don't have investments, is there a home equity line or line of credit you can draw from? Are you able to borrow or withdraw from your 401(k), and is that a good move now that the loan limits have increased and the 10% penalty for those under age 59 1/2 have been temporarily waived? Once you figure out what is available, try to prioritize what needs to get accomplished. Recognizing that you will eventually need to establish two homes, try to work out realistic budgets for maintaining separate residences. And as part of that exercise, all parents should attempt to discuss a time-sharing schedule that will promote their children's best interest. Before you actually commit to anything, however, get some legal advice with an experienced attorney that focuses on family law. Consults are not that expensive, and can help you navigate the four main issues a family will need to address as part of a divorce: 1. Custody- (1) What schedule will you follow for sharing the kids? Literally, you need to look at a calendar together and figure out the time-sharing arrangement that will work best for your family. There are some shared schedules that are popular, but there generally is no formula, and sometimes you [...]
What Are You Most Nostalgic About These Days?
It's hard to believe that just two months ago, I was visiting my beloved hometown, NYC. My partner took me to see a show, "Come From Away" about a little town in Canada that rallied to help all the stranded passengers that had to seek shelter there while their planes were grounded during the 9/11 crisis. The story was incredibly uplifting, and without minimizing the pain we all felt back then, highlighted the collective power we have as humans to rally in order to surpass the most trying times. Who knew I would need that message now more than ever to help get through each new day as this COVID-19 pandemic continues to ravage our world? New York City, which in the past couple of weeks has seen over 1,000 deaths from COVID-19, is now the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak in the U.S., and the last place on Earth I would want to be right now. Never in a million years would I think I could ever utter those words, and my heart goes out to everyone there, not just my friends. The images on the news of empty streets juxtaposed with overrun hospitals are heart-breaking, and sadly we all know the worse is yet to come as we begin week 3 of the shelter in place mandate, with at least 4 more weeks to go. Here in the DC Area, which has been my home the past 25 years, our numbers are somewhat more promising, but we know that we need to remain vigilant if we want to minimize the spread of this virus. So for many weeks (maybe months) to come it appears our mobility and ability to socialize in person will remain quite limited. Never as an American citizen did I believe I would endure real limitations on freedom, something I think we all just took for granted here. Rations, curfews, and crazy lines at stores (beyond Black Friday sales) are a shock to all of us that grew up in the U.S. And, what makes this shelter in place mandate so particularly difficult is there is no clear end date to this madness. So, as this new norm sinks in what do I miss most? Living for decades with seemingly unlimited choices and freedom of movement. Perhaps we took it all too far, and this crisis is meant as a reminder that we should [...]
Are You Still Making Time for Date Nights?
It’s easy to slip into a comfortable pattern of wearing pjs all morning, adopting a minimalist grooming routine, and just hanging out in sweats or yoga pants all day when you are working at home during this COVID-19 crisis, but if you have a significant other that you truly care about, I suggest you make an effort to break it up a bit. At least one night a week, make time for a date night. Plan a special meal together, get out those table linens and candle sticks, and dress up as if you were going out. Find some good tunes, and toast to life with an adult beverage. If you have little ones, send them to bed early. Seriously, you need to carve out some special adult time to preserve your relationship. Now more than ever, you are each other’s lifeline. You need to be able to lift each other’s spirits and express your appreciation for being in a stable, loving relationship. Practice speaking each other’s love language, and don’t ignore the importance of physical intimacy. If you were having a tough time before this whole crisis began, use this time as an opportunity to do some repair work and reconnect. There are few reasons to be “too busy” during this pandemic to truly check in with your significant other. While we weather this COVID-19 crisis, work on communicating openly and honestly with your significant other about your concerns, areas in your relationship that need attention and build a plan for moving forward once this is all behind us. But also make time to have fun-- dance together, play games, share jokes to make each other laugh, and enjoy a date night. That is how you fell in love originally, isn't it? Well, here's a chance to fall in love all over again. By Regina A. DeMeo
What’s Your Best Alternative If You Can’t Stay Together?
Right now, even if you wanted to file for a separation or divorce, courts are closed during this COVID-19 crisis except for emergency matters. Once they do re-open, all those cases that were filed prior to the closures have to be rescheduled, which means your case will most likely not be wrapped up in 2020-- unless you roll up your sleeves and do the hard work upfront, so that by the time you file you qualify for a fast-track uncontested divorce that most courts streamline through the system. How will you get to a comprehensive agreement? Probably not without some help. If you have kids, you need to work out a Parenting Plan, which at a minimum lays out a regular time-sharing schedule, holidays, and a mechanism for making major decisions. Experienced family mediators, mental health professionals or parent coaches know how to assist couples develop a thoughtful contract that addresses everyone's needs, with the child's best interest being the top priority. With respect to money issues, let's be honest-- all of us just took a huge hit as a result of this coronavirus pandemic. The assets are what they are now, not what they were last year or even last month. Excluding families with the top 10% of the wealth, the finances for most couples are not that complicated. Gather the information related to all your income, assets and liabilities, and find a way to fairly distribute what you accumulated during the marriage. Again, if you need help with this, reach out to a financial professional, family mediator or matrimonial attorney that can assist you with finding a solution. What I predict will be the thorniest issue is support. Child support calculators are very helpful, but what if a person's income for 2020 is unclear? Also, in many jurisdictions, like DC and MD, we don't have calculators for spousal support/alimony claims-- instead we try to take a balanced approach looking at one person's reasonable needs and the other's ability to pay. Given the current situation around the entire world, I think we can all acknowledge that everyone is going to need time to rebuild their earning capacity, and no one can predict how long that will really take. Now more than ever, couples separating will need assistance developing creative and compassionate solutions. Hopefully, they will reach out to professionals with proven experience in reaching out-of-court conflict resolutions in order [...]
How’s Co-parenting Going During This Coronavirus Crisis?
For parents that have a Parenting Agreement or court-ordered time-sharing arrangement in place, sending your kids back and forth between two homes right now isn't easy, believe me I'm in the same boat as a lot of my clients. Hopefully, now more than ever you are realizing the importance of communicating effectively with one another and putting your child's needs first. Managing the current situation is going to require a lot of flexibility, as we all adapt on a daily basis to the constant changes impacting our lives. A few days ago, Virginia announced schools would remain closed through the rest of the academic year. So far, DC is hoping to resume in May. Just yesterday, Maryland informed all parents of its decision to keep the schools closed through April 24, 2020. As a result of these drastic changes to our children's normal routine, all separated or divorced parents really need to have a serious conversation about their custody schedules. Some parents may opt to maintain the regular schedule, while others might decide to tweak their time-sharing arrangement to minimize transitions. No matter what you do, you need to be on the same page and put it in writing. If you don't think you can talk to your former partner in a calm and rational way, then reach out to a family therapist, mediator or parenting coach, who can help you navigate through this crisis. These are experts, who are available to facilitate a discussion between parents that might be at an impasse with respect to a major decision affecting their children. The bottom line is your kids need stability and clarity, especially now more than ever. You need to put your feelings aside about your ex, and address this issue head-on: what schedule are you going to follow for the next few weeks, including limits on screen time and making time for some continued learning? And, what is the plan if someone gets sick in one household? Like it or not, you need to figure this out fast because courts are currently closed, except for emergency situations (and I highly doubt this will count). Once they do reopen, there is going to be a major backlog, and will you really be able to afford the legal battle? While you try to work things out, whatever you do, keep your children insulated from conflict as much as possible. Right [...]
Were You Planning a 2020 Wedding?
If you were planning to get married this year, life is hitting you both hard with a lesson many of us didn't get until kids came into the picture: your ability to survive together is completely linked to your ability to adapt while maintaining open and honest lines of communication. Now more than ever, young couples in particular need to seriously discuss what is most important to them. Is the big wedding really necessary? How realistic is it that people will want to travel to a destination wedding overseas any time soon? Where can you make budget cuts to preserve your financial resources, or minimize the costs for your families? Money talks are tough, but they are necessary. Your legal union has significant consequences that really should not be taken lightly. Your combined earning power and borrowing power may be completely different tomorrow compared to yesterday. While it may be unpleasant to discuss, you need to get on the same page about how you feel about spending vs. savings, as well as issues that might not currently exist but could pop up in the future, such as separate property interests, debt, business interests, intellectual property rights or potential family gifts and inheritances. Once you feel you have made sufficient progress on these talks, you need to put pen to paper. In this case, what I mean is not a one page term sheet that you both sign over drinks. What I am seriously asking you to consider is retaining attorneys to draft and review a multiple-paged contract, which clearly lays out your respective rights and obligations with respect to both property and any spousal support claims. A prenup may not be romantic, but then again either was that first time you had to talk about past partners, STDs and birth control with your partner, yet somehow you made it through to this point, right? Let prudence prevail here, and while you have some time together to think through various contingency plans for your wedding, take a moment to also secure that happily ever after in the event life has a couple of more surprises in store for you. By Regina A. DeMeo
Will Your Relationship Survive This Covid-19 Crisis?
Life's normal challenges can wreak havoc on a couple's relationship. Now imagine how damaging a pandemic of epic proportions can be, when our lives, liberties and financial stability are all at stake. This Covid-19 crisis is either going to make or break your relationship, there is no doubt about it. You will either find that you absolutely cannot imagine a life after this without your partner, or you will want to exit as quickly as possible when this blows over. I really don't see much room for feelings of ambivalence. Those that took the time to build a solid friendship, where there is immense trust, respect and mutual affection have the best chance of weathering this storm. But they will still need to work hard to communicate and problem-solve well during these times of great uncertainty. All of our priorities and values are being tested right now, as we contemplate what are true necessities and which jobs are actually "essential." Most of our plans are either on hold for now or they are being drastically revised beyond our control. Stressful situations tend to bring out the ugly side in people, especially those that lack good coping strategies. Right now, the last thing anyone wants to be around at home is someone that is unkind, unhelpful, excessively morose, abusing drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, or just totally shutting down. For now, there may not be much you can do until shelter in place restrictions are lifted, but soon thereafter I'm betting many will realize life is too short to put up with unnecessary b.s. and my divorce cases will pick up again. Trying times can, however, bring to light a beautiful side in many. I certainly appreciate my partner in a whole new way now than ever before. He (unlike me) is considered an essential medical provider, who is doing the best he can to keep his practice open to meet his patients' needs while caring for everyone's safety and trying to preserve his staff. For his own safety, I wish he would just close up shop, and we did argue about this, but ultimately I respect his decision to take it day by day, knowing he is doing the best he can to minimize the risks for everyone involved. Right now, all we can do is take it one day at a time, and for the time [...]
What Budget Changes Can You Make Immediately During This Covid-19 Crisis?
It's hard to think long-term, especially when you are in crisis mode. So many are taking it day by day, which is completely understandable. However, in order to minimize the financial hit your family will take in the long-run, do not put off reviewing where you can cut expenses asap. At home, it is important to identify true necessities versus luxuries. Take it by category, and drill deep. For example, with housing costs, where can you cut costs? We all need a roof over our heads, but if you are on a month-to-month lease maybe now would be a good time to ask for a reduction in rent or look at other alternatives? Food is definitely necessary to our survival, but where and what we buy is up to us. Transportation is another necessity, but maybe if your vehicle is leased and your contract is about to expire, now might be a good time to consider something cheaper or look into a purchase that will last longer? Medical care, obviously is critical now more than ever, but perhaps out-of-network options need to be re-evaluated, and certain non-essential services can be extended a little. If you think you are about to get laid off and lose some benefits, or maybe you have put off getting medical insurance, this should be a wake-up call to look into your options. And while you are at it, why not review all your insurance benefits? Do you have enough life and disability insurance? What about long term care? One of my friends, Ellen Davis, who owns Life, Health, Home Insurance Group, LLC, which is based in the DC Area just confirmed that she is offering a free 30 minute insurance review. Finally, we get to truly discretionary expenses-- and while clothing, travel and entertainment should be some of the easiest to cut, those expenses pertaining to our children like private school, their nannies, tutors, extra-curriculars, etc. are going to be some tough choices that no doubt will be challenging for all of us that are parents. Short term losses here can help you with long-term gains, but if you lack the expertise to make good financial decisions during these challenging times, reach out to a financial expert. Also, if you have legal obligations (like alimony or child support) do not delay in consulting an experienced matrimonial attorney about the feasibility of a modification. We [...]
Where Can You Find Solace During This COVID-19 Crisis?
Just a month ago, I attended a classical music concert at the Strathmore where Joshua Bell one of the world's top violists performed. Today, with almost 20,000 reported cases of COVID-19 in this country, that concert hall is closed along with all public venues not just in our area, but across the world. Life as we've all known it has completely changed in the past few weeks. And with all this growing uncertainty, it's important to pinpoint where we can find comfort during these difficult times. For those, like my son or my law students, who perhaps have never witnessed major adversity on a level like this, I find this is a great teaching moment to impart some lessons from our past: First, as I take my daily walks I often think about my grandparents. My father's parents managed to survive the Spanish flu, two world wars, and Franco's rule in Spain, which lasted until he died in 1975. My maternal grandmother, who was born in Ecuador in 1915, also survived these things along with immense poverty, until my mother was able to bring her to the U.S. where she lived to be 97 years old. Second, prior to the collapse of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Cold War, world travel was not unlimited. As a national gymnast in the 80's, I had to get special permission to spend two summers in Bulgaria, which was behind the Iron Curtain. Only from 1990 until September 11, 2001 did we truly experience a sense of freedom in travel like never before. Third, after 9/11 not only was our false sense of security shattered internationally, but there were major layoffs and salary reductions nationwide. Fortunately, I was not among the 33% of the staff cuts my firm made that year, and somehow we weathered the first recession I would experience in my legal career. Eight years later, the housing market collapsed, which led to the Great Recession. In that debacle, I lost my home and the entire $80,000 down payment. It took years to rebuild everything on my own as a single mom. Today, I draw strength from my family's story, as well as my own. Hardship is a part of life, and having a job, food, and shelter is no small feat. Everything else is gravy, and that is only worth enjoying when you have someone to share [...]