Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Tips For Protecting Your Credit During COVID-19
The past 10 weeks while staying at home, many of us have used the time to not just try new recipes and embrace Marie Kondo’s tips for purging and de-cluttering, but also to review our expenses, cut costs wherever possible and talk to creditors while looking into refinance options now that rates are so low. Of course, how well you can manage to clean up your financial picture is entirely dependent on your ability to (1) maintain a decent income and (2) protect your credit. Tip #1: Check your credit score, and correct any inaccurate information in those credit reports. If you have bad credit (generally below 670), you will not be eligible for some of the more favorable terms with lenders, and this impacts your ability to get insurance, rent or buy a home, purchase a car, or obtain deals with creditors. More importantly, it can affect your ability to find employment in certain industries, particularly those that require a security clearance, and inevitably it will also impact your personal relationship with family members or a significant other that have to suffer the consequences of your poor financial choices. Tip #2: Get educated. Many people lack the proper education to understand how to maintain a balanced budget and set aside an emergency fund. Families often don’t discuss money, and schools rarely delve into importance of financial literacy. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a catastrophic event like a divorce or a pandemic for families to realize they are living well beyond their means, and it forces people to reassess their priorities and get help where most needed. Money cannot buy happiness, but financial stability is key to enjoying a successful life, which is why various employers that want to invest in a stable workforce are jumping on the opportunity to invite guest speakers to present seminars promoting financial awareness. Sonya Smith-Valentine is the founder of Financially Fierce in Maryland, and she is a well-respected speaker on this subject. Here are some tips that she shared this week for those looking to protect their credit, particularly during COVID-19: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa0pGzNDBM4&t=413s
Tips To Protect Your Credit with Sonya Smith-Valentine
Regina DeMeo invites Sonya Smith-Valentine, the founder of Financially Fierce, to share tips for people worried about their credit, which can impact security clearances. They discuss things to do during a divorce to avoid having your ex ruin your credit, and the benefit of attending workshops or working with a professional to improve your financial literacy.
Dating During COVID-19
Dating later in life is always full of challenges for my divorced clients. First, there is the need to get up to speed on the rules of the game if they've been out of the dating pool for over 7 years (which is the timeframe when about 50% of divorces occur.) Second, there are often logistical issues to contend with like coordinating schedules if either of you have kids from prior relationships, or commuting issues, unless you happen to live in the same zip code. Third, there is the hurdle of finding a way to properly invest your time and money in this endeavor realizing that both are especially limited commodities for those juggling the responsibilities of raising kids while working and managing a single-parent household. Now throw a global pandemic into the mix, and you can see that dating in 2020 is not going to be easy for sure. And yet, those that are committed to finding love again will make the effort. Like the saying goes: where there is a will, there is a way. Various sources are reporting that online dating is quite active these days, despite COVID-19, and while stay at home orders have been in effect lots of people have availed themselves of modern technology, including via video chats and Zoom dinners to meet other singles out there. Perhaps the silver lining to this crisis, at least in dating is that due to our limited ability to go out, people are actually engaging in more meaningful discussions upfront about their core values, as well as their dreams and aspirations. As one of my wise friends pointed out a while ago, "a real relationship is in the being, not the doing." For many of us, 20 questions can be a great form of entertainment, but are you doing it in a mindful way? The point is to map (1)where someone has been, (2) where they are currently, and (3) where are they heading? Ideally, the goal should be to find a mate that appreciates how far you have come in your journey, and aligns with your vision for the future. Finding the right match takes patience and time, and while some of us might take a more laid back approach to this process, there are others that don't wish to waste time on their mission to meet their life partner. For the latter type, the opportunity [...]
Dating Tips During COVID-19
Regina DeMeo interviews dating coach, Amy Schoen, who shares tips for people that want to date during COVID-19. They discuss the benefits of working with a coach & having a dating plan to help navigate the process of finding the right partner.
Key Travel Tips During COVID-19
It might be hard to imagine that we are talking about resuming travel this summer while COVID-19 continues to affect over 200 countries worldwide, but sooner or later non-essential travel will resume and the industry is doing its best to prepare for that inevitability. For many, travel is an escape from reality. It’s a treat or reward after working hard for months, or a chance to commemorate a special event, like an anniversary or special birthday. Whether it is a romantic getaway, a family trip, or a chance to bond with a special group of friends, you want to make sure it all comes together without a hitch. This is why, now more than ever you really need to consider working with a travel planner, who is an experienced professional that is up to date on all the safety measures being taken at hotels around the world. Travel planners are usually paid by the hotels and other service providers, not the person traveling. You give them an idea of what you want and a budget, and they do all the research for you, then come up with some proposals. They are also there in case anything goes wrong during the trip, and can help you make alternate plans if you get stranded as a result of a blizzard or something else comes up. Traveler’s insurance is another thing that you really should look into especially while COVID-19 remains a concern. Read the policy carefully, but most will allow you to cancel or postpone a trip without incurring huge fees. And for those engaged couples planning a honeymoon, think of this coronavirus trend of micro-weddings (which are under 50 guests) as a blessing. The less you spend on the big day, the more you can splurge on your week(s) away! Here’s a great interview I recently did with my favorite travel agent, who works with many of my prenup clients, and has planned several of my family trips the past few years: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fornq6VAMzY
Mother’s Day During COVID-19
It is unbelievable to think we are about to complete eight weeks with stay-at-home guidelines in effect, and quite honestly I'm just happy to say my son and I are healthy and safe. We have (1) a safe place to shelter, (2) food and (3) basic necessities (including toilet paper and paper towels for at least a few more weeks). And thankfully, since neither one of us has any symptoms, we will be able to go outside and enjoy a walk outdoors later today. Last week, we got tested for the antibodies, and for better or worse the results came back double negative: not exposed, and zero antibodies. To be honest, I was a bit shocked, thinking we had already been exposed and had the antibodies. Those results, however, have definitely made me reconsider things-- including springing for a UV phone & key sterilizer, which has now become part of our daily routine. Mother's Day as a single mom the past 15 years has always been a bit unpredictable. Some years, my ex would come through and help our son find an appropriate gift to commemorate the day. Other years, they would both flake out, with minimal acknowledgement of the day, so I learned a long time ago to just make the day special for myself. But this year, all my normal treats are not readily available-- no mani/pedi, massage, haircut, brunch with friends, yoga class at the gym, outing to the movies, a museum or a show. And yet now, that all seems so unnecessary particularly when there are over 80,000 deaths in the U.S. attributable to this coronavirus, with many more expected in the coming weeks. There's really nothing like a pandemic to force you to put things into perspective. The world as we know it has come to a stop, and without the millions of distractions we would normally have to contend with, there is a golden opportunity to reflect, look backwards and connect all the dots. Look at the series of events that led you to where you find yourself today, appreciate your current condition, and then create a vision for your future. What matters to you most moving forward, once we are past this horrible state that we are currently all in together? Becoming a mother changed me completely--I could no longer just think about my own goals and desires. I had to rethink [...]
Are You Tired Of The Apologies?
I love this saying: your partner is like a plank of wood, and saying something mean is like hammering a nail into that plank of wood. You can apologize and remove that nail, but the hole in the plank is still there. And if you do that enough times, the plank will eventually break. Dr. Gottman, who is widely known as the guru of relationships, has written extensively about the importance of conflict resolution in order to make a marriage work. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment many still forget to avoid what he calls the "four dark horsemen" (1) criticism, including name-calling (2) contempt, (3) defensiveness and (4) stonewalling. When calmer heads prevail, of course we are all capable of apologizing, but to me those are just empty words if the person keeps repeating the same offensive act. At some point, it becomes clear that actions speak louder than words, and all the flattery and/or gifts in the world cannot negate the pain inflicted by the person who has made a commitment to love, honor, respect and cherish you. As people being to approach their breaking point, the question of couples counseling is often raised. For it to truly work, however, both parties need to have a vested interest in repairing the relationship. The two times I have tried it, I was either married or engaged, and we were living under one roof, so there was a definite incentive to try and make things work. And even then the outcome was that our different expectations and conflict resolution styles were simply incompatible. When you are on the fence about couples counseling, there is obviously something holding you back. If that is the case, then going to individual counseling first will help give you clarity about your own goals and desires. And what you may learn is that some things cannot be repaired, like when someone has betrayed your trust. Discovering infidelity-- whether financial, physical or emotional, is a huge blow to the very foundation of a couple's relationship. While some people do manage to rebuild trust, it is a long and hard road. Saying good-bye, however, also is not easy, especially the longer and more you've invested into building a life together. It takes courage either way, and you will need to build and rely extensively on a support network to get you through to the other [...]
How Quickly Can You Make Lemonade Out Of Lemons?
After dealing with over 1,000 bad break ups professionally (in addition to quite a few of my own) I often feel like Helen, from that 2004 Disney movie "The Incredibles" in the scene where their plane is getting ready to crash land and she tells everyone to "get a grip, we are not going to die." When you discover that your partner has betrayed you, either by hiding an affair, romantic communications with another, an addiction, alarming amounts of debt, poor credit, or simply nasty habits that s/he knew would be deal-breakers for you, the blow feels like a swift kick to your gut and simultaneously a dagger through your heart. It is completely different from coming to the slow realization that you are not compatible after methodically analyzing the information you gathered over multiple rounds of playing 20 questions with someone. The key distinction being that you were blind-sided by the harsh reality that the picture you had been presented with was a complete mirage, and hits you like a Mack truck that quite literally takes your breath away and leaves you feeling shattered. It is not easy to recover from such a blow, and you most certainly won't bounce back overnight. Just as you would seek medical help after a car crash, you need to find people you trust (including professional help) to help put you back together, and quite literally take it one day at a time. For years I have recommended to my divorce clients that were betrayed the book, "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" written by Tracy Schorn. It is a self-help step by step guide to taking back your power. She starts by identifying common mistakes that people make right after the discovery, which she calls "D-Day." Next, she encourages people to find your lifelines, including a good therapist that can guide you through the emotional rollercoaster you will be riding for some time, whether you want to or not. My job the past two decades has only focused on quickly performing an amputation to end all unnecessary legal and financial entanglements after D-Day, so that each party can move on to the next chapter in his/her life. But the reality is there are many who do not opt to sever all ties, and instead choose to work on repairing the relationship, including rebuilding trust and respect. I imagine a lot [...]
6 Tips For Couples Separating During COVID-19
Parting ways is never easy, but COVID-19 has definitely made my job as a divorce lawyer a lot more challenging these days, particularly while people shelter in place and the Maryland courts remain closed for non-emergencies through June 5th. But those of us that like a challenge are doing our best to rise to the occasion in order to ensure that people remain fully aware of their rights and options while we all adopt to a “new norm.” So here are my 6 key tips for couples looking to separate: Consult a Lawyer- before you make any major changes, you need to get a roadmap from an experienced matrimonial attorney that will explain to you all your obligations, the issues that need to be addressed, and your options for finalizing the divorce process. Consults are done as a flat fee, and your attorney should then be able to give you an estimate of the fees moving forward if you choose to hire him/her on a retainer. Understand Finances- gather all your information pertaining to your income, assets and liabilities and reach out to your financial advisor or CPA with any questions. If you don’t think you can use savings to finance the separation and divorce process, explore all your options for obtaining a loan, and make sure you develop a realistic budget for yourself. Get Insurance Quotes- reach out to your insurance agent and find out not only what you currently have, but what you might need going forward, such as your own health insurance once you cease to be eligible as part of your spouse’s plan or life insurance to cover any alimony or child support payments expected of you over the next several years. Estate Planning- it is unlikely that you will want your estranged spouse to inherit from you, or make any medical or financial decisions for you if you are incapacitated. As a result, you will need to find an estate attorney that can either create or update your existing documents, including a will, powers of attorney and medical directive, usually for a flat fee. Real Estate- at least 50% of the time, the marital home is sold in a divorce because the other party is unable to buyout the other party's interest and qualify on his/her own to refinance the existing mortgage to get the other person off the loan. Therefore, you need to reach [...]
Financial Tips For Couples Separating During COVID-19
The Maryland courts have been closed for over a month now, and do not plan to reopen before June 5th, except for emergency matters. For couples separating during COVID-19, the judges are hopeful that alternative dispute resolution methods like mediation or a Collaborative Divorce process will be utilized to reach a resolution outside of court in order to avoid the major backlog in the judicial system. In mediation, you can pay as you go, using one neutral professional to help you address the issues that need to be part of your comprehensive settlement. If you are not comfortable advocating for yourself, then you can opt for a Collaborative Divorce, where each party has his/her own attorney sit in the 4-way meetings, but the two attorneys are committed to working as a team to reach a resolution outside of court. If outside experts are needed, like a financial neutral, divorce coach or child specialist, the family agrees to hire one that is mutually agreed upon. Litigation should always be an option of last resort (at least in my opinion) particularly for families with children, not only because of the expense and time involved, but because you will most likely destroy any possibility for preserving goodwill and being able to co-parent amicably in the future. When choosing the process that you would prefer, you also need to look at what is a realistic budget. How much do you have in savings or what can you borrow to cover legal fees and court costs? In some cases, families that lack access to cash have borrowed from their home equity or 401(k)s to finance a divorce, or they are fortunate enough to have a trusted friend or relative advance the funds needed. But what happens if someone lacks sufficient income, credit or assets in his/her own name to pay for the divorce process? This person may need to look into divorce financing, which is a short term loan based on a conservative prediction of what an individual will get from the marital assets when the divorce is finalized. Back in 2013, Good Morning America did a segment on divorce financing featuring "The Fairy Godmother of Divorce." Nicole Noonan and I did not know each other back then, when I was asked to weigh in on the importance of this service. Since then, I have been able to refer her clients in need of [...]