Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Have You Worked Out Your Holiday Plans With The Kids?
The holidays are intended to be a cheerful time spent reconnecting with family and friends, sharing great food, and taking some time away from work. It's meant to be an opportunity for creating sweet memories and showing gratitude for the blessings in our lives. Yet for many this can be a significant source of stress-- especially if they haven't fully worked out how they will share the kids with their ex. Ideally by now, separated parents have either a detailed Custody Order or Parenting Plan that provides a comprehensive schedule for the holidays. If this isn't your case, maybe add this to your to-do list for next year. While some people initially think that they are better off without a set schedule to allow for more flexibility, this rarely works out and most will opt for predictability in the long run. As parents, it is our job to minimize the drama our children are exposed to while providing them with as much consistency as possible, particularly in their early and formative years. In that vein, some separated parents may try to share the holidays together, however, that only works if things are super amicable. For most estranged couples, less is best when it comes to extended amounts of time together. Having a clear schedule for the holidays (and sticking to it) while minimizing the number of transitions for the kids is key to reducing the tension for everyone involved. Sometimes, despite a parent's best efforts to coordinate calendars and gift ideas well in advance the other party is a perpetual procrastinator or simply refuses to plan ahead, and sadly it only takes one to complicate things for the whole family. In this case, all you can do is try your best to keep things on track, and if you anticipate litigation in the near future or are already in the middle of court proceedings make sure it's all in writing so you have evidence for later if necessary. Aside from all these logistics, most parents that recently separated will struggle with feelings of guilt, particularly this time of year. Know that it takes a while to adjust to working with more limited resources and not seeing your kids for every holiday now that they have two separate homes. Over time you will adjust to having your alone time, and you become less concerned with material things while gaining a [...]
4 Tips for Getting Through The Holidays In 2024
The holidays can always be a bit tricky with family, but this year might prove to be even more challenging than others as many of us struggle to come to terms with both the state of our economy and the political climate in this country. This of all years is definitely not the time to flaunt your success or debate politics when spending time with your loved ones. Here are some key tips to stay clear of drama during the holidays: Avoid Hot Topics- It may be difficult for you to understand why someone would vote a certain way or feel uncertain about the future, but right now it is probably best to rein in that curiosity while many work on processing their feelings and try to heal. There is immense disappointment and fear among many at all socio-economic levels. Whether you think it's rational or not is beside the point, each individual's perception of what is in jeopardy is what shapes his/her version of reality. Set Boundaries- Every family has at least one person in the mix that is just a little oblivious, a bit insensitive, or maybe just a downright curmudgeon. While you can't control their behavior, you can certainly manage yourself. Extricate yourself from a difficult conversation, and have a few clutch phrases ready to help shut down any uncomfortable moments, such as "I am not ready to discuss this now, but I will circle back to you when I am." It's also okay to say, "I am really hurt/upset about this and can't talk right now." My favorite is "This isn't going to be a productive conversation right now, so we need to stop." If you rehearse these statements beforehand, it should greatly decrease the chances of you saying something harsh in the heat of the moment. Self-care- Carve out some time for yourself, and don't let anyone guilt trip you because you want some time alone. There's no need to apologize or feel badly about wanting some time to decompress by yourself, just know that it's solely up to you to speak up when you need a break to go recharge your batteries. Here are some great excuses to do just that: take a long walk or bike ride, do some yoga, play some tennis or a round of golf, or maybe just go into a separate room to read or take a nap. [...]
5 Tips For Getting Through The Holidays
The holidays can be tough, especially for couples that are on the brink of splitting up. If you are dreading spending time with your spouse, can't fathom getting anyone gifts or don't hold out any hope that this time together will actually be enjoyable, then don't torture yourself and those around you. What is the point in being miserable together until the new year? Now may truly be the best time to come up with a plan to exit gracefully. Unfortunately, when children are involved, a clean break isn't as easy to accomplish. For parents with minor children, you need to pick the option that will cause the least disruption to everyone. No one wants to have the children associate the holidays with their family falling apart, so if you can grin and bear it, maybe you just need to suck it up until January. How do you know what's the best call to make? You alone probably are not in the best frame of mind to make this decision. Emotions tend to cloud our judgment, and family/friends can have their own biases playing into their opinions, so your best bet is to reach out to a neutral professional and get some solid advice before taking any drastic actions. Get Counseling- an experienced counselor can help you better understand your feelings and come up with a Plan B to celebrate the holidays apart. If you truly need to stay together until the new year, that professional can work with you to develop some coping strategies to get you through this difficult time. Seek Legal Advice- make an appointment with an experienced family lawyer to understand your rights and obligations arising from your marriage. If you share children with someone, you need to learn about the custody and child support laws that apply in your jurisdiction. Decompress- everyone needs a little time away from work and other stressors in life in order to think clearly. Book some time for yourself to unplug from everyone and everything, then allow yourself to sit with your thoughts, unless you're like me and if you have ants in your pants then go for a long hike or other outdoor activity that lets your mind wander and process all your pent-up emotions. Journal- sometimes, there are things we just need to vent to no one in particular. Maybe you just need to create a list [...]
5 Key Considerations In Favor of a Prenup
Marriage these days is nothing like those of prior generations. Over 1/3 of women these days outearn their husbands, and over 75% of couples have a two-income household. As everyone has become painfully aware of the divorce rates (along with the financial and legal entanglements that arise from these unions) prenuptial agreements have consistently been trending upwards over the past two decades-- not just with the trust fund babies or second marriages. Working with couples about to marry, here are some key points I ask them to consider: Property- what do you want to keep as separate versus what will you be building together? For many, there may not be much at the moment, but perhaps there are intellectual property rights, the expectation of an inheritance or interest in a future business that they need to protect. Spousal Support- do you think each person should be self-supporting and that a full waiver of alimony is appropriate? Or maybe we can just minimize the exposure for each party by setting up some caps in terms of the amount and/or duration in the event someone might need financial assistance in the future if the couple parts ways. Managing Expenses- while sharing a home together, what are the expectations with respect to how much each person will contribute? Many people these days maintain separate accounts, but fund one joint account in proportion to their incomes to cover agreed-to expenses for housing, food, and travel. House- in the event of a split, who should be the one to move out and after how much notice? How will we determine if a buyout is feasible, and if not how long before the home gets listed for sale? Dispute Resolution- should someone want to terminate the marriage, in the event of a legal dispute wouldn't you want a provision that requires mediation, arbitration or the Collaborative Process before anyone goes to court? These forms of alternate dispute resolution not only save time and money, but also are completely confidential. Ultimately, the entire drafting process for a prenup can usually be done quickly and for far less than the cost of your entire catering bill. Furthermore, unlike a wedding which is over in a day, the final product is a durable, thoughtful contract that protects you both indefinitely until death or divorce. A truly loving partner will work with you to find a mutually agreeable solution to any [...]
What Goes Into A Parenting Plan?
We all know that many couples are opting not to get married these days, and yet they are still creating families. In the United States, we now have about 40% of children born to unmarried women. Whether the fathers are involved or not afterwards varies greatly, but as soon as the couple starts to experience major disagreements about parenting it's imperative they get some professional assistance with creating a Parenting Plan. When parents are contemplating a separation, they need to clearly establish in a legal contract what their respective rights and responsibilities will be with respect to the children. A Parenting Plan is a legal contract that outlines (1) the level of financial support each party will provide for the children, (2) a mechanism for making major decisions about the children’s health, education and general welfare, and (3) a the time-sharing arrangement they will have on a regular weekly basis, as well as holidays and summer. The first step in developing a parenting plan is to discuss with an experienced professional what the parents will say to the children about the separation, and hopefully develop a shared narrative that is age-appropriate. Next is to work together to acclimate the children to two separate homes, and possibly two different sets of rules in each house. The more that children can be shielded from sudden changes, and major disruptions to their lives, the better off they will be in the long run. Each family has a different set of dynamics and the needs of the children can vary greatly, especially depending on their ages. Therefore, a significant amount of time and care needs to be given in devising a time-sharing schedule that will promote predictability, consistency and stability for everyone involved. Sometimes, the input of a mental health expert may be needed depending on the complexity of the situation or if the parents have extremely differing views. Often, families need to consider a graduated schedule, which allows for a ramp-up period so the children can adjust to transition between two homes. Some families benefit from having one schedule during the school year and then a different, more liberal schedule for the summer months. Each family has their own traditions/holidays/special days that are important to them, and these need to be considered carefully and memorialized. Setting up a communication protocol for the parents is key to a successful co-parenting relationship going forward. [...]
Uncontested Divorce Lawyer: Do You Need One for Your Case?
Divorce, often a complex and emotional journey, presents various paths depending on the circumstances. An uncontested divorce, where both parties agree on major aspects like asset division, alimony, and child custody, is one such path. It raises an important question: is an uncontested divorce lawyer necessary for a process that seems straightforward? This article delves into the crucial role of a lawyer in ensuring a smooth, legally sound uncontested divorce. Understanding Uncontested Divorce An uncontested divorce occurs when both spouses agree on all key issues of their separation, paving the way for a faster, less costly, and less stressful resolution compared to contested divorces. However, the legalities and procedural intricacies of divorce remain, necessitating professional guidance. The Role of an Uncontested Divorce Lawyer Legal Guidance: An uncontested divorce lawyer provides invaluable advice, ensuring your rights are protected while navigating the complexities of divorce laws. Document Preparation and Review: Handling numerous legal documents is a critical aspect of divorce. A lawyer ensures all paperwork is accurately prepared, completed, and filed, minimizing the risk of errors that could delay the process. Objective Perspective: Emotional involvement can cloud judgment. A lawyer offers an objective viewpoint, helping you make informed decisions that align with your long-term interests. Mediation and Negotiation: If disagreements arise, a lawyer can serve as a mediator, facilitating constructive discussions to maintain the uncontested nature of the divorce. Benefits of Hiring an Uncontested Divorce Lawyer Efficiency: Legal expertise streamlines the process, saving time and reducing stress. Accuracy: Professional handling of legal documents and adherence to court procedures ensures accuracy and compliance. Protection of Rights: A lawyer's guidance ensures that your rights and interests are safeguarded throughout the process. Conflict Resolution: Lawyers can preemptively address potential issues, avoiding future disputes. Do You Need an Uncontested Divorce Lawyer? While it may seem an additional expense in an amicable separation, the benefits of hiring an uncontested divorce lawyer are significant. They bring clarity, efficiency, and legal expertise to a process where mistakes can have long-lasting implications. Especially in cases involving children, substantial assets, or potential future conflicts, the advice and representation of a skilled lawyer are invaluable. Choosing the Right Lawyer Selecting the right uncontested divorce lawyer is crucial. Look for someone with: Experience: An attorney well-versed in divorce law and familiar with local court systems. Communication Skills: Clear, empathetic communication is essential for understanding and navigating your unique situation. Reputation: Seek a lawyer [...]
What’s Your New Year’s Resolution for 2024?
As we wind down 2023, my biggest take-away is this: repair what you can and walk away from what you can't. Both personally and professionally over this past year I learned to isolate areas of stress and determine which ones I could fix and which ones were beyond my control. There is a powerful lesson in quitting, especially with lost causes. Letting go allows us to stop wasting time and resources on futile people or projects and instead focus our energy on positive endeavors that are achievable and completely within our control. With that in mind, here are 5 key areas in our lives that we can strive to improve upon in the new year: 1. Personal Relationships- We are social beings, not meant to be as isolated as many of us have become the past 3 years as a result of Covid. Navigating relationships with colleagues, friends, family and/or a significant other have never been easy, but it's certainly become more complicated as we all grapple with the lingering effects of a pandemic that has changed how we all live and interact with others. As we now accept our "new norm" it's important to identify those individuals that are worthy of our time and effort and say good-bye to those that are not. 2.Physical Health– How comfortable are you with your own body? If you want to lose weight or tone your muscles, change your workout or maybe even get some medical intervention to fix things you don’t like about yourself, go do it! Focus on yourself for a bit, and don’t feel guilty about it. The great thing about setting physical goals is that within a short period of time you can really start to see results, and this will boost your spirits greatly. The undisputed fact is the more positive your energy is, the faster you will recover from whatever heart break or disappointment comes your way. 3. Intellectual Stimulation– Are you bored at work or at home? Having a great mind is a gift you should not squander. We all suffer lulls either at home or at our jobs, but rather than allow your brain to just atrophy find something new to learn and challenge yourself. Learn a new language online or in a classroom, sign up for continuing education courses that will either help you advance in your career or maybe assist you with changing jobs. Or [...]
Are You Staying Together For The Wrong Reasons?
During COVID, a lot of us switched to working remotely and/or reduced our social engagements significantly, and while some (mainly introverts) may have thrived under this new norm, for others (mainly extroverts) this level of isolation has proven to be quite unsettling. Tack on the wildcard of how all the changes the last three years have impacted your financial well-being and future prospects, and you truly have the conditions for a perfect storm.As parents, many of us also struggled to see our kids through this pandemic, which truly took its toll on a lot of children-- particularly those in high school that did not get to experience a normal transition into becoming a young adult. There is nothing more heart-breaking than seeing your own children struggle and/or be deprived of certain experiences you took for granted in your own life at their age, including prom, senior week and/or graduation ceremonies and parties.When you are in the middle of a perfect storm situation, the last thing a person can stomach is making any decisions that will cause further disruption into an already unstable environment. And so it may be that for some couples, even in an incredibly toxic relationship, the choice to leave and further destabilize things isn't an easy choice. For those watching on the sidelines, it may be hard to comprehend, but trust me when I say that implementing major changes is hard even under the best of circumstances, let alone during the worst of times. Finding your way to a safe harbor isn't always so clear cut, but it usually starts with an awakening stage. This is when you realize that you are staying in an unhappy situation for all the wrong reasons, e.g. for the sake of the dog or kids, to maintain a certain lifestyle, or to avoid being alone. Once you start to see this, you will start to ask those around you to weigh in and ask what their thoughts are on certain red flags you've tried to overlook for far too long. You will also begin to articulate your doubts out loud, maybe suggest some options for counseling, and with each new bid to connect that is rejected, your resolve to find alternatives to staying together will grow stronger by leaps and bounds. Now we are moving past the awakening stage to formulating an exit strategy. The path to freedom is clear [...]
A Guide to Divorce Mediation: The Role of a Mediator in Your Case
Let's imagine you're at a crossroads in your marriage. The joy and happiness that once filled your relationship have faded, replaced by dissatisfaction, disagreement, and, ultimately, the realization that you both want different things. Many people contemplate divorce around this time when they realize they are not looking forward to the holidays spent in constant tension and disagreement. This is where divorce mediation comes into play. Divorce mediation is a voluntary and confidential process where a neutral third party, the mediator, helps the divorcing couple reach a mutually agreeable resolution on various aspects of their separation. This process is not about determining who is right or wrong; instead, it's about finding common ground and working towards a resolution that respects both parties' interests and needs. The goal of divorce mediation is to foster dialogue, reduce conflict, and promote understanding. It offers a platform where you can express your needs and concerns, hear your spouse's perspective, and negotiate a settlement that works for both of you. Contemplating Divorce Around the Holiday Season? You’re Not Alone The holiday season is often a time of joy and celebration. However, for some couples, it may also be a time of stress and tension. This is when many people contemplate divorce. The reasons for this phenomenon are manifold, ranging from heightened stress levels, financial pressures, unrealistic expectations, to the realization of unresolved issues in the marriage. Spending more time together during the holidays can highlight differences and conflicts that you may usually overlook or ignore in daily life. The holiday season can also magnify financial difficulties, as the pressure to spend on gifts, travel, and festivities can lead to disagreements and tension. Perhaps, the most profound reason is the reflection and introspection that the end of the year brings. Many people contemplate divorce around this time when they realize they are not looking forward to the holidays. You might start to question whether you want to spend another year in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage. If this resonates with you, divorce mediation can be a beneficial first step towards a new beginning. The Role of a Divorce Mediation Attorney While a divorce mediation attorney might sound similar to a divorce mediator, their roles are distinctly different. A divorce mediation attorney represents one party in the mediation process, providing legal advice and guidance. The divorce mediation attorney helps you understand your legal rights and obligations. They [...]
Don’t Accept The “Penny Method” When Dating
Although many of us may have experienced this when dating, it helps to clearly define what this tactic looks like: the ‘penny method’ is all about intentionally and methodically weaning someone off the initial effort that was used to win them over at the start of a relationship until they’re happy with just breadcrumbs. It is a manipulation tactic used to control the other person while chipping away at their self-esteem, in a sick attempt to build a co-dependent relationship. Here's a glimpse into how this works. The person seeking to win someone over is very charming in the beginning and goes a bit overboard with generous gestures starting with the very first date. Within a month you will hear "I love you" and maybe even get a commitment ring. You will get whisked away on romantic trips such as a weekend in New York City or a quick trip to the charming parts of South Carolina. There's lots of talk about marriage and locking in the future with plans for more luxurious experiences, like an all expenses paid trip to Greece. They start referring to you as their spouse, and maybe even add you to their country club membership, with many more promises of a life together with a fairy tale ending. And yet, ever so slowly in private they start to withdraw their attention and affection. The little surprise notes and funny texts disappear, and unfortunately get replaced with daily digs that aren't funny. Generous gestures are swapped out for constant reminders of how lucky you are to get whatever crumbs are doled out to you, particularly on special occasions, which are now down-played like never before. Even the compliments that used to come without any prompting before a date night stop entirely, and instead you find these nights now end with horrible arguments that make no sense. Rather than feeling cherished and loved, you start to feel like nothing more than a convenient roommate, if that. Promises are slowly retracted, and every attempt is made to make you feel like you are either too demanding or unstable and perhaps need to get a shrink and get on meds. (Checking in with your own counselor actually isn't a bad idea here). While you struggle to decipher what has led to such a drastic change, definitely go back and retrace all your steps. It will all make sense [...]