Half my readers are women, who often complain about the dearth of men. The other half are guys, who are very open with me about the mistakes that women make in the dating game. I often feel like a U.N. peacekeeper trying to help negotiate a treaty between two warring nations. Seriously, this should not be so difficult! As one of my fellow bloggers, Austin Blood, said recently: If you want to date guys, you have to learn to think like them. Why? Well, once you start to understand them, they won’t drive you crazy– and nothing repels guys more than signs of a crazy chick.
Before you can even start to understand one another, however, you first have to meet, so, first things first– I have women that say they just aren’t even meeting guys; meanwhile I have guys lamenting about the fact that girls go out in huge groups making it impossible to approach anyone. I have to give it to guys on this one– they are right, attractive women that are not talking to guys need to carefully consider what steps they are proactively taking to make themsevles approachable. Are you making eye contact and smiling? These two simple things can go a long way, and yet you have to be aware of your surroundings.
Ladies, let me ask you this: have you ever seen guys go out in huge packs? No! Not unless it is a bachelor party or some sort of reunion. They are not interested in some big sausage fest, well unless they are inclined to just enjoy the company of men. Typically, guys tend to have one wing-man, or a wing-girl. I’ve often played the latter role, and it is actually a lot of fun to play wing-girl! As the wing-girl, I may start up the conversation with another girl, and then I quickly make it clear that the guy is just my friend. As the conversation unfolds, if I need to get lost, no big deal– I go find someone else to entertain me. Now that is a special skill– it is not for everyone, but that is NOT the point of this blog.
Guys have a legitimate gripe about girls that go out in huge numbers, and by huge we mean more than 3. Now, if you ladies are just interested in hanging with the girls all night, then that is fine. But if you think you are going to get a guy to break up a herd of women, you are very sadly mistaken. That is just a lot of esterogen, even for me to deal with, but more importantly let’s simplify this problem– think about the animal kingdom and how hunters pursue their prey. They don’t go running smack into the middle of a herd! They stick to the outside and wait for one that is apart from the herd. It is the same for guys, who are not sure whether you are going to be receptive to them or not. It is so much better to suffer rejection privately vs. publicly. So if you want to get asked out by a man, you cannot surround yourself with more than a few, and stick to the outskirts.
Another tactic that might work well is if you show up early, so that before you meet up with a bunch of people, you sit your butt at the bar by yourself. We all have phones and access to the paper, a book or Kindle, plus there are usually tvs and very gregarious bartenders, who can all keep you busy until the rest of your party shows up. There is no easier scenario than this for someone to then come up and ask if s/he can sit next to you and chat while you wait for your friends to show up.
By no means am I seriously suggesting that trolling the bars is the way to go. The last 4 years, I’ve just managed to meet people through friends, but whenever I think back to how that first interaction began, it was always at a moment when I was by myself. Either I was at the pool, on the balcony taking a quick call, in someone’s kitchen pouring a glass of wine, or on my way back from the powder room– it was NEVER when I was in the middle of a huge group of people.
Hopefully, by thinking more about the challenges guys face, women can start to develop some strategies that will make their lives a little easier– especially when it comes to that first chance encounter. So much in life is about being at the right place at the right time, and while I can’t predict when/where that will be for everyone, I can predict where that is not: in the middle of some pack! If you want a man to do his part and play the role of a happy hunter, then ladies please do your part and break away from the herd.
By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
