The holidays are intended to be a cheerful time spent reconnecting with family and friends, sharing great food, and taking some time away from work. It’s meant to be an opportunity for creating sweet memories and showing gratitude for the blessings in our lives. Yet for many this can be a significant source of stress– especially if they haven’t fully worked out how they will share the kids with their ex.
Ideally by now, separated parents have either a detailed Custody Order or Parenting Plan that provides a comprehensive schedule for the holidays. If this isn’t your case, maybe add this to your to-do list for next year. While some people initially think that they are better off without a set schedule to allow for more flexibility, this rarely works out and most will opt for predictability in the long run.
As parents, it is our job to minimize the drama our children are exposed to while providing them with as much consistency as possible, particularly in their early and formative years. In that vein, some separated parents may try to share the holidays together, however, that only works if things are super amicable. For most estranged couples, less is best when it comes to extended amounts of time together. Having a clear schedule for the holidays (and sticking to it) while minimizing the number of transitions for the kids is key to reducing the tension for everyone involved.
Sometimes, despite a parent’s best efforts to coordinate calendars and gift ideas well in advance the other party is a perpetual procrastinator or simply refuses to plan ahead, and sadly it only takes one to complicate things for the whole family. In this case, all you can do is try your best to keep things on track, and if you anticipate litigation in the near future or are already in the middle of court proceedings make sure it’s all in writing so you have evidence for later if necessary.
Aside from all these logistics, most parents that recently separated will struggle with feelings of guilt, particularly this time of year. Know that it takes a while to adjust to working with more limited resources and not seeing your kids for every holiday now that they have two separate homes. Over time you will adjust to having your alone time, and you become less concerned with material things while gaining a greater appreciation for quality time with those you love. The trick to being at peace is finding a way to reframe what you believe you have lost into a positive light- it requires you to let go of the past and embrace what you have gained. While you work on this, keep these tips in mind:
1. Chin Up
No one expects you to be like Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, nor does anyone want to see you and your ex act like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. These are two extreme examples of how to co-parent after a separation, and most people fall somewhere in between. When in doubt on what you should do in a particular situation, ask yourself this: what would you want as a kid? If you try to walk a mile in your children’s shoes, you will gain a new perspective and find the strength needed to suck it up when required. This means that especially during the holidays, you will encourage them to have fun even when they are not with you. You won’t sob or cause a scene during exchanges. And you will not under any circumstances disparage the other parent. Sometimes you do just have to fake it until you make it.
2. Start New Traditions
As a couple you often have to make sacrifices to accommodate your partner and his/her family. The beauty of being separated is that you no longer have to do this during your scheduled time with the kids or your time alone. Now, you get to do you, which means this is the perfect opportunity to create new traditions. Whether you want to host a Friendsgiving, travel, or just lay low watching Hallmark movies in your holiday pjs, you can experiment with all the options that appeal to you and discard the ones that don’t. Generally, children are quite adaptable, but if there is something from prior years that matters to them, try to incorporate a bit of the past while you ease them into sharing your vision for a new way to spend the holidays.
3. Remember the Good
You may have moments of nostalgia, but don’t let your trip down memory lane turn sour. Stop negative thoughts from ruining your holiday spirit– the last thing you want to come across as is the Scrooge or Mr. Grinch! As best you can, try to over-ride bad memories with good ones, and instead focus on the present opportunity to rid yourself of any toxicity while being in a safe space surrounded with loved ones.
4. Find Peace
Life is full of challenges, but whether you cook the right meal or get the right gifts should truly be the least of your worries. As long as you try your best, that’s all that matters. Your kids know you are not perfect, and as teens they will certainly remind you of that regularly. The reality is our imperfections and past mistakes help shape who we are, and true friends don’t judge us for our faults, so why should you? Let the past go and stop worrying about things beyond your control. Let your heart and mind settle so you can enjoy the present.
This holiday season try not to sweat the little stuff, and instead focus on bringing joy into your daily life. A key component to raising resilient children is modeling a positive outlook as parents. Kids thrive most when they see their parents are doing ok, despite life’s setbacks. Our children don’t need big gestures from us, just a daily infusion of a little grace and love.
By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
