The holidays can be tough, especially for couples that are on the brink of splitting up. If you are dreading spending time with your spouse, can’t fathom getting anyone gifts or don’t hold out any hope that this time together will actually be enjoyable, then don’t torture yourself and those around you.  What is the point in being miserable together until the new year?  Now may truly be the best time to come up with a plan to exit gracefully.

Unfortunately, when children are involved, a clean break isn’t as easy to accomplish.  For parents with minor children, you need to pick the option that will cause the least disruption to everyone.  No one wants to have the children associate the holidays with their family falling apart, so if you can grin and bear it, maybe you just need to suck it up until January.

How do you know what’s the best call to make?  You alone probably are not in the best frame of mind to make this decision.  Emotions tend to cloud our judgment, and family/friends can have their own biases playing into their opinions, so your best bet is to reach out to a neutral professional and get some solid advice before taking any drastic actions.

  1. Get Counseling– an experienced counselor can help you better understand your feelings and  come up with a Plan B to celebrate the holidays apart. If you truly need to stay together until the new year, that professional can work with you to develop some coping strategies to get you through this difficult time.
  2.  Seek Legal Advice– make an appointment with an experienced family lawyer to understand your rights and obligations arising from your marriage. If you share children with someone, you need to learn about the custody and child support laws that apply in your jurisdiction.
  3.  Decompress– everyone needs a little time away from work and other stressors in life in order to think clearly.  Book some time for yourself to unplug from everyone and everything, then allow yourself to sit with your thoughts, unless you’re like me and if you have ants in your pants then go for a long hike or other outdoor activity that lets your mind wander and process all your pent-up emotions.
  4. Journal– sometimes, there are things we just need to vent to no one in particular.  Maybe you just need to create a list of all the events or past actions that have hurt you.  Let it all out and then sit with it.  Eventually one of three things will happen: (1) you find that the good outweighs the bad, and you’re able to forgive and move on; (2) you realize that the transgressions are just too much and you can’t see a future together; or (3) you decide to stay but the status quo needs to change, and you come up with concrete solutions to discuss in an honest and respectful way with your partner.
  5. Find Joy– whether you enjoy cooking, baking, decorating, volunteering, or hosting a party during the holidays, make sure you pursue those activities with others that make you happy.  Learning to focus on the positive is a key skill to help regulate your emotions.

For over 25 years, I have helped my divorce clients develop a plan during the holidays to get out safely and move to a better place.  While some family transitions are far more complicated than others, eventually everyone (including the kids) adapts to a new norm. The key is to have a good support network, develop good coping skills, and go at the pace that works best for you.

Hopefully these 5 tips will come in handy as you figure out your holiday plans.  As best you can, carve out some time to really reflect and figure out what changes you want to implement so that you can live your best life and be the best version of yourself in the new year.

By Regina A. DeMeo