Every week I meet someone who asks, “why me?” as we sit and discuss their break up. Let me tell you that after 18 years, sometimes the answer is quite obvious, and I have to sit and bite my tongue while I re-direct their attention to the legal issues that I need to address as their lawyer. But other times, it’s not so obvious, and so I probe further so I can get a better understanding of the overall picture. There’s actually a checklist in my head of questions, which goes something like this:
Did something happen to damage the trust in your relationship?
Are there certain behaviors that concern you about your spouse?
Do you have different goals/visions for the future?
Have you lost respect? Why?
When did you stop being intimate?
What is the source of conflict at home?
Have you tried to discuss your issues, and what’s been the response?
Sometimes, the problem is just a difference in parenting or life style choices. But, the more I do this, the less shocked I become by the crazy actions people engage in every day that ultimately destroy a once promising partnership, including the usual complaints about infidelity, addiction to alcohol, porn, or drugs, getting an STD from a spouse, gambling, domestic violence, financial infidelity, or undisclosed mental health/high conflict personality issues. Unfortunately, when you are the victim of any of these actions, it is easy to sit and dwell on the question, “why me?” But none of this is about you– this is actually all about the other person who has a serious issue, and once you are out of the situation, you need to move on with your own life.
Bad things happen to good people every day I’m sorry to say– otherwise most of us in the service industry, including doctors, nurses, lawyers, CPAs, mechanics, plumbers, handymen, insurance adjusters, or tow truck drivers (just to name a few) would be out of a job. But more often than not, I see really good things happen to good people while sooner or later really bad things happen to bad people because ultimately, we all reap what we sow, and the fact is for some, karma is going to be a bitch.
Only you can control your thoughts and actions. I suggest you stop wasting your time asking “why me,” and instead start wondering the real important questions, like 1. what do I want to do with my life? 2. what is important to me? 3. what do I want to achieve? 4. what will make me happy? Focus on those answers, and then go do that!
By Regina A. DeMeo
