We all have our issues, maybe some more than others, but not everyone has self-awareness. Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes a catastrophic event to trigger a journey inward, such as a divorce or death in the family. Even then, not everyone will want to do the hard work to delve into the past and figure out their feelings. Most people in fact are wired to avoid conflict, and they would prefer to forget the past, just enjoy the present and try to not stress about the future. Then there are those of us who are just gluttons for punishment…
Over the past few months, I have immensely enjoyed finding my family after all these years– especially my baby brother, who I was never sure I would find. Yet, the journey to find him was filled with peril– the risk of being rejected, or accepted at first only to be later abandoned, the possibility that no one in the family would understand me or love me, or that perhaps in some way I have disappointed them all by not meeting their expectations. These are all normal fears– perhaps completely not rational, but emotionally quite real. Thankfully, I understand where these fears stem from and know how to cope with them, and so it is that now more than ever I believe that if something does not kill you, it truly only makes you stronger.
Hopefully after a divorce, most people will find a second chance at love. Before diving head-first into a significant new relationship, however, I urge people to find the courage and time to delve a bit into their pasts. Until they can understand the past and come to peace with the loss suffered, they will not be in the best position to open themselves up to another person. With any new relationship, sooner or later our issues of trust, attachment and abandonment will rise to the surface, and we need to be aware of our issues and how they may impact others if we want to form healthy loving relationships based on honesty and mutual respect.
